


(Never) Let Him Know

by SilentJo



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Tokyo Ghoul, Blow Jobs, First Time, HidexKaneki, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Male Slash, Masturbation in Bathroom, Mutual Masturbation, POV Kaneki Ken, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Sexual Assault, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-03-04 16:25:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 64,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13368591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentJo/pseuds/SilentJo
Summary: Ken Kaneki leads an ordinary life. He attends school and has a part-time job, though when he's on the clock he mostly daydreams about his favorite customer - a young man named Hide. Not willing to admit his growing feelings, Kaneki continues to hide his crush. When a work accident throws them together, a whole new world opens up for both of them - but it is also one where Ghouls lurk in the shadows...





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cover art created by @notChaott on Twitter
> 
> **Trivia has been added to the chapters!


	2. Chapter 2

My day started out just like all the others before it. I went to my college classes in the morning, then my part-time job at the local grocery store in the afternoon. And just like any regular day, I found myself waiting for _him_ to arrive. My attention was drawn to him the first time he visited the store, but I know I've seen him around campus as well. He was a soft-hearted kind of guy, respectful and friendly. A refreshing change from the rushed and moody customers that come in to shop. I felt such a duality when we interacted, both calm and nervous at one time. Even as I fumbled to get his correct change, he kept that smile on his face and thanked me genuinely before leaving. Anxiety twisted in my chest as I watched him go. That emotion replaced with a sudden loneliness I wasn't expecting. Without realizing it, my mind raced with thoughts of how or when I'd get to see him again.

That was two months ago, so those aching feelings have only burrowed further into my body. My only respite is when he visits the store, where I can get my small fix from his presence. Watching him pick out his groceries, I wonder what he's going to make with them, as well as for who. A guy like him would have a girlfriend, so I'd imagine that he would cook for her. Sometimes, those thoughts would wander off track, where suddenly I was the one sitting at the table as he lovingly served me his home-cooked meal. I'd catch myself before I let the dream play out for too long. Just long enough to enjoy the pleasant moments but avoiding the inevitable disappointment when he makes it clear that I was in the wrong place. I knew better, but I'd still indulge myself anyway.

"Ah, he's here!" I quietly proclaimed as I watched Hide walk through the sliding doors and pick up a grocery basket. Just knowing he was in the building was enough to make my stomach float. A smile crept across my face and even the customers I rang up would notice and subsequently raise their spirits as well. To think he had such charisma to affect not only my mood but those I interacted with as well...

But it's foolish of me to believe that it could move any further than where it is right now. A one-sided crush is all this is, like it or not. I made up my mind to never let him know how I felt. Why would a guy as perfect as him even think of giving someone like me that same kind of attention, especially as another guy?

"Good evening Kaneki, it's nice to see you again, are you taking customers?" Hide said as he approached the beginning of my register line.

"Oh, hello Hide, yeah I-I'm open," I said nervously as I smiled and waved him over. He unloaded his basket onto the belt, and I rang up his order as usual. I found it hard to look at him during most of the transaction, but as he focused on the card reader, I'd steal a glance and admire how flawless his face looked. His gentle milk chocolate eyes darted back and forth between the credit card screen and his wallet. Suddenly, he met my eyes, catching me as I watched him. I quickly looked away, feeling my cheeks flare up with embarrassment. As his transaction finished, I grabbed his receipt. With the last ounce of courage left in me, I looked his way to hand it to him and saw him smiling. "Oh, uhm, here's your receipt, th-thanks for shopping at Mado's, g-good night."

"Thanks, Kaneki, see you next time!" Hide said as he took the paper from my hand. His fingers lightly grazed the back of my hand, sending a chill up through my arm. He waved as he picked up his bags and walked out the door. All I could do was trace the path that his fingers had just taken with my own and watch him go.

"Kaneki, while it's slow, why don't you go outside and bring in some of the carts," my manager said as she walked past the registers on the way to her office.

"Sure thing, Miss Akira," I replied, even though I knew she had gone too far to hear it. She was the one who had hired and trained me, so I felt like she deserved a lot of respect. Her father was the owner of Mado's Grocery and Supplies, although I didn't see him often. I grabbed my black and white hoodie from the coat rack near the exit and stepped out into the cold November evening. Our lot was small but crowded since there were other shops along with our building. Cars weaved in and out of the lanes as I slowly gathered the carts. A horn blared behind me as one vehicle nearly backed up into another. Startled, I kept moving forward and glanced back for a moment. Before I could bring my attention back to the front, a pair of headlights blinded me from the left.

After that, I collapsed into darkness.

_"Kaneki! Kaneki! Wake up, please! Someone call an ambulance quick! I'm sorry, Kaneki, so sorry!"_

Whose voice am I hearing? Why do they sound so panicked and emotional?

I opened my eyes; the world blurred around me. A shock of pain made me twist them closed again. "Aghh!" I cried out, still unsure of what was going on around me. I heard other voices surrounding me, but none of their words made sense. It was like the murmur in a crowded subway. A siren pierced through the rest of the garbled noise, gradually gaining volume. But where was it going? It sounded close by; I wonder where it was headed.

_"I was leaving the lot when my phone went off. I only took a moment to look at it, and when I looked back, he was just suddenly there. I panicked, and I accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake. Officer, I honestly can't tell you how sorry I am! Please take care of him. I'll do whatever it takes as long as he's okay!"_

That voice again... So, if what he's saying is true...

"Nnngh!" I cried out again as I felt my body being moved by someone other than myself. The pain only intensified, even with my eyes closed I could feel the world fading away. As I lost consciousness, all I could hear was that lone voice begging for me to survive.

The same voice that put me in this situation also seemed to be the only one concerned for me at that moment. I didn't want to lose that voice, that connection, but the pain won in the end.

Perhaps I'll find that voice again if I live through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Idea originally came from my present job. I regularly go out to the parking lot and retrieve shopping carts. One day I was bored and thought to myself, "I wonder how it'd play out if someone ended up hitting me with their car out here." Yeah, pretty morbid, but no worries, I've managed to do my job without any vehicular assaults so far. From there, I started thinking of how to relate it to a story. There was so much I could do with a beginning like that, and finally settled on having it be a relationship fic with Kaneki and Hide. I normally don't like to change canon events, but as I continued working on this story's outline, the more I felt like making things different.


	3. Chapter 3

"Kaneki, it's good to see you awake. My name is Dr. Yoshimura, I was your attending physician when you were brought in from the accident two days ago. How are you feeling now, young man?"

I had barely opened my eyes before he began speaking to me. Despite hearing I'd been unconscious for two days, I felt incredibly exhausted. "I-I'm tired, sir."

The doctor nodded and continued, "That's understandable, you did suffer a concussion which has drowsiness as a side effect. You also broke your left arm. Dislocated left knee, significant bruising to your left hip, as well as numerous abrasions and lacerations are the rest of your injuries. We've been mostly concerned with your head injury and will continue to monitor you in case there are any complications related to the concussion. For now, the best thing for you to do would be to get some rest."

So many injuries from an accident I can barely remember... I closed my eyes when suddenly I recalled the voice that I had heard that night. "Do you know who hit me, Doctor?"

"All I know is that the person responsible has been dealing with the police and all of the legal issues involved in the accident. They should visit with you shortly though. Is there anything else before I go, young man?"

Police and legal issues, all of that just sounds so complicated right now. If the voice I heard calling out my name so frantically was having to deal with so much hassle, I wonder if they still felt as remorseful as they had sounded that night. Perhaps they only pretended to be concerned. If that's the case, then I'd rather not face them, at least not while I'm still here recovering.

_"Please take care of him. I'll do whatever it takes as long as he's okay!"_

No, even if they were only feigning concern, I wanted to face the source of the raw emotion that I clung to that night.

"Nothing I can think of, thank you, Doctor," I said as I closed my eyes and dozed off once again.

* * *

The next time I woke up, the light was just starting to show through the edges of the closed curtains of the hospital room. I blinked several times to clear my vision. Even slightly moving my left arm was enough to send shocks of near-electric pain through it. Wincing, I instinctively tightened my other hand, only to discover someone was holding it. Turning my head slightly to the right, I was surprised to find Hide in a chair next to my bed. He was asleep sitting up, his head resting at an awkward angle against his shoulder while his left hand was holding my right. Realizing who it was, I jerked my hand back in a panic, which simultaneously caused my left arm to ache again as well as wake Hide up.

"U-umm, hello Hide. How did you know I was here?"

Still looking half asleep, Hide rubbed at his eyes before looking at me. His state of alertness shot up as soon as he realized I was awake. "Oh, Kaneki! I'm so glad you're awake now! I-I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for everything!" Hide bowed beside my bed, his face hidden from view as he repeatedly apologized.

And that's when I made the connection. Hide was the mystery voice at the scene of the accident. Which meant that...

"I-It was you, the accident..." was all I could say as I contemplated just how shitty my luck could be to end up getting struck by my crush. I wished that this would all just end up being some elaborate dream because this reality was just too much.

Hide took his seat once more. He explained the details of the accident again just like I had heard them at the scene. "I hate the fact that I've hurt you like this, Kaneki. I keep replaying that night in my mind, and it's just so incredibly frustrating how stupid I was for not being cautious while I was driving. My negligence has cost you so much."

My face had to be several shades of red at this point. "No, no, don't worry about it Hide. I'll be just fine, accidents happen," I said with a laugh that hopefully sounded genuine.

"No, this was all my fault, so I'm going to take responsibility and take care of you while you recover. Whatever it takes, Kaneki. I owe you at least that much for the pain you're going through right now."

The last time I saw Hide, I could barely muster up the courage to hand him a receipt and wish him a good night. Now he's by my side swearing to take care of me. To be getting this much attention from someone I've been admiring for so long... I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. Streaks of wetness streamed down my face, cooling some of the blush on my cheeks.

"Oh no, I didn't mean to make you cry, Kaneki! Or could it be the pain? I don't remember the last time they brought you any pain meds."

"Yeah," I said as I clumsily wiped the tears from my eyes before resting my fingers against my chin, "it's got to be the pain." I'm such a liar, but it's better than making him feel sorry for being the cause of my crying.

"Okay, I'll go let one of the nurses know you need more, be right back!" Hide jumped out of the chair and flew out the door.

This must be a fantasy, something my overactive imagination came up with to deal with my interest in Hide. The pain felt real enough, but all this interaction with him just felt too good to be true. Even if he was at fault, why would he show so much concern just for me? To him, I'm just someone that rings up his groceries a few days a week. I don't deserve this much attention from him.

"I'm back, with reinforcements!" exclaimed Hide as he was followed in by one of the nurses. She quietly injected liquid into my IV line, added her dosage to the chart at the end of my bed, then left just as quickly.

"A woman of few words I see," joked Hide as he settled back into his chair.

The medication didn't take long to work, and I felt my eyelids fluttering as I struggled to stay awake. In the end, it was a losing battle, but just as I slipped away, I felt Hide's hand wrap itself around mine once more, his warmth encircling each finger.

On second thought, I'd rather hope for this to be a reality rather than a work of fiction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Yoshimura as a Doctor was something I felt matched well with his personality.
> 
> -I should probably say that at this point in my writing process, I didn't intend for this story to have any Ghouls in it at all. It was initially an AU where everyone was a normal human. But as with most stories I write, the plans at the beginning don't always match the finished product.


	4. Chapter 4

After two days, when the doctor was satisfied that there wasn't any danger following the concussion, I was discharged and sent home. The pain had gotten more tolerable, however trying to get around with an arm cast and leg brace was difficult. Fortunately, Miss Akira gave me a leave of absence from Mado's while I recover. They're even keeping me on the payroll, so my bills won't get behind. I have a feeling they're being required to do it since it was a work-related accident, but I'm okay with believing it's an act of kindness on their part.

"Hey Kaneki, how long do you normally set your dryer? This machine is so different from mine; it's almost ancient!" Hide yelled from the bathroom.

"I don't use it unless it's raining, to save on the electric bill." I thought of Hide hanging up my laundry on the balcony and pinning up my underwear and quickly reconsidered. "On second thought, just run them in there! A-An hour should be enough time for a load that size." How could I possibly look him in the eye after he's been handling my boxer briefs...?

He walked back into the living room and let out a satisfying sigh. "Well, that's all set, is there anything else you need help with, Kaneki? I still have some time before I catch the train home."

"No, no. That's more than enough, Hide. I appreciate your help, but I can handle the rest." I'm still getting used to the fact that he's here at all. To go from seeing him for a few minutes several times a week to having him visit daily is a rather drastic change. He meant it when he said that he'd take responsibility. I feel guilty whenever I see him doing my chores, but when I try to take care of things myself, he just steps in and tells me to sit down and rest. Watching him makes my heart pound in my chest. I get nervous wondering if he will notice. But he's still the same Hide, friendly and caring. I don't want the way things are between us now to change, so I'll make sure he won't ever find out how I honestly feel. If he learned that and found it disgusting, he'd disappear forever. No, I'm satisfied if this is as far as it goes between us.

"You sure? Well, I'll be back tomorrow so I'll just take care of things then, see ya later Kaneki." He walked past the couch where I sat and patted my right shoulder as he made his way to the door. He stopped and turned back to me, running a hand through his dirty blonde hair. "Look, I'm really sorry to bring it up like this, but I think it's time for you to bathe, dude."

It's true that I hadn't washed since I came back from the hospital, but with him around I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Ah, yeah I suppose I should, I'll be fine on my own though, you can go home." I got up from the couch and balanced myself on my crutch before moving towards the bathroom. Just as I passed him, my good knee gave out, and I found myself falling. I braced for the imminent impact with the floor, but all I felt was an arm wrap around my back, halting my descent. Hide had kept me from falling. I dared to look up at his face, the smile that usually held residence there had been replaced with a serious expression I rarely saw from him.

"I think this clearly proves that you can't handle this yourself. I'm helping you whether you like it or not," Hide said as he flung my right arm over his shoulder and walked me into the bathroom. He let go and started to take off my leg brace as I hung onto the bathroom counter for balance. "Look, I'm sure this is probably a little awkward for you, but I just don't want you to end up getting hurt again if there was something I could do to prevent it, okay? Don't worry, we're both guys here, no need to feel shy. Unless you've got a big secret, we both have all the same parts, so it's no biggie if we see them," Hide said with a laugh, attempting to lighten the mood.

He helped me with the rest of my clothes before leading me to the shower seat and easing me onto it. Covering the cast with plastic guards the hospital had provided me, he handed me a small towel which I quickly used to cover up my crotch area. Hide disappeared behind me for a short time, only to reappear just as naked as I was.

"B-But why are you... Hide, why did you take off your clothes?!" I averted my eyes as I spoke, my voice sounding more like a puberty-stricken teenager than a college student.

"If I'm going to wash you, then it would just make sense to keep my clothes from getting wet, right? I'll get the shower going." He walked away to get the water to temperature. This couldn't be happening right now! I did what I could to avoid looking in his direction but couldn't help myself. Steam had started to surround the edges of the room. I could make out the silhouette of Hide's back, his slightly tanned skin glistening in the light. All I could think about was how it would feel to run my hands across him. As he turned around to bring the shower head back, I quickly looked away to avoid seeing the details of his front side. He pulled over a bucket and flipped it over before taking a seat next to me.

"Okay, I think it's a decent temperature, but let me know if it's too hot or cold. Lean forward; I'll get your back first." I complied, and he began rinsing me down, taking care to get everything wet. He reached for the soap and lathered his hands up. Gentle, yet firm, he slid his hands over my soapy skin. I kept my eyes closed, focusing only on where Hide's hands were at that moment. Chills went through me as he glided across my back, crossing over to my right shoulder and spanning the length of my arm. "See, this isn't so bad. Now lean back, and I'll take care of the front."

Obeying him once more, I leaned back, eyes still closed and waiting for him to continue. The lack of contact became too evident, so I opened my eyes to find out the cause. Hide had frozen in place, speechless as his own eyes focused on one area of my body in particular. Enjoying the sensations that Hide had provided had left me feeling a little _too_ excited, and my body had reacted in kind. The towel I had used to maintain my modesty was no longer lying flat as my erection had made itself known beneath it.

"Oh shit! Hide I'm really sorry, this is just..." I tried covering it with my hand, leaning forward to make it less noticeable. I felt my face turn hot with embarrassment as tears started to pool in my eyes. This moment just couldn't get any worse. Hide is going to be disgusted and leave after this.

But rather than walk out of the room, Hide grabbed my hand and moved it aside, the towel sliding off and exposing me in the process. "Hey, hey calm down. There's nothing to be ashamed of here! Your body naturally reacted to being stimulated by my touch." He let go of my hand, and I just let my right arm fall to my side.

"And since I'm to blame for causing this reaction, I'm responsible for taking care of it."


	5. Chapter 5

All I could do was stare blankly at Hide. He was waiting for an answer, permission to get me off. This must be some kind of dream, right? I'm so embarrassed right now I can't even fathom that this is real. But still...

"O-Oh no, I couldn't. It's not your fault, Hide! You can just step out; seriously, I can take care of this on my own. There's no need for you to..."

Hide cut me off before I could finish speaking, raising his voice to me for the first time since this all began. "There you go believing you can handle everything on your own without help again. I've made things so difficult for you, let me handle this one thing!"

He slid the bucket he had been sitting on over and sat down behind me. His arms wrapped around my waist, his right hand grasped my cock and began stroking it.

"If it'll help ease your mind, I'll do it like this, so you won't have to see me."

His left hand pressed against my stomach. Soap still coated his hands, making his motions against me provide little friction. This was unlike any kind of pleasure I had ever given myself. My will to hold myself together was crumbling away. Soft moans escaped from my lips as he squeezed his hand around me and stroked the shaft from base to head. I felt the pressure building within me, his hot breath against the nape of my neck intensified the ecstasy that he was subjecting me to. My need to release grew stronger, my hips started moving on their own, driving myself against his closed fist.

"I-I'm close, Hide!" I barely recognized my voice now, wrapped in lust and desire.

Hide tightened his grip on my cock, rubbing his fingers just under its delicate end with each forward stroke. "Don't hold back, Kaneki. I've got you."

With a weak whimper, my body gave in as I finished in his hand. The evidence of my climax dripped from Hide's fingers. My mind felt hazy as though the steam from the shower had seeped into it. I didn't want to lose this euphoric feeling and kept my eyes closed as long as I could to prevent reality from setting in.

Hide rested his chin against my right shoulder, pressing his chest against my back as he also sought rest after such activity. His hands remained, holding me gently.

"We should finish your bath before your hot water runs out," Hide said as he let go of me and reached for the shower head, rinsing his hands clean and lathering up more soap as he moved his seat back in front of me.

I felt hot and I knew it wasn't because of the water. Despite how great that just felt, I couldn't bring myself to look him in the face as he finished washing me. Rinsing the last of the soap away, he stood up and offered me a hand. But my attention had now ended up somewhere else as well. During the course of things, Hide was stimulated by something too, because his arousal had shown itself. He noticed me staring but didn't acknowledge it, choosing instead to start walking away.

"Wait!" I cried out as I grabbed Hide's wrist before he could get out of my reach. My erection had been the direct cause of my interaction with Hide, but why would he have this reaction just from washing me? Perhaps it was just a natural thing, nothing more. I couldn't help but feel responsible though. "About, uhm... that," I said as I brought my eyes to his crotch. "I-I should be willing to do the same for you, right?"

He looked down at me, smiling once again. "No, don't worry about it, Kaneki. It'll go away on its own eventually, or I'll take care of it once you're dried off and dressed."

"No, I feel like it's my responsibility. Please."

Hide relented with a shrug of his shoulders, sitting down in front of me once again, facing away from me this time. "If you insist, go for it."

Okay, I just have to take care of him the same way he did with me. It can't be that difficult, just have to grab his... I reached around and touched him. So hot to the touch, I wrapped my fingers around it, feeling its warmth transfer through to me. My hand trembled as I started to move my fist against his shaft. Could I do this? I was beginning to lose the confidence I had when I first offered to return the favor to him.

"It's okay, Kaneki," Hide said as he covered my hand with his own. "I don't want you to feel pressured to do something you don't want to do. You don't owe me anything."

"I know that, and w-well, it's not that I don't want to..."

"Why don't we do it together then?" He shadowed my hands with his and started to jerk himself off using my right hand. It didn't take long to hear Hide's lustful voice start to come out. His moans were sultry and sensual; to think that I was playing a part in making him this way! Without realizing it, I started rocking against him, keeping with the rhythm he set with his own hands.

"Mmm, Kaneki. Keep doing that. It feels good."

I was so wrapped up in the moment, all I could do was abide by his wishes. He grabbed my left hand and pressed it against his chest. I held him close, pushing myself against him further.

"Keep going; I'm almost ready to come," Hide whispered.

He squeezed my fist against his cock tightly, thrusting with passionate force. He shuddered violently as he came, his body arching against me as Hide experienced the same rapture he'd exposed me to a short while ago. I held him close as he came down from that high, his breath slowly returning to normal. I let him go so he could stand up.

"That... That was amazing! Here, let me help you wash that off your hand." Once that was done, he brought a couple towels over. He wrapped one around his waist and used the other to dry me off. I wasn't sure if there were any words to say after what happened, so I just sat in silence. After getting himself dressed, he peeled off the wet plastic from the cast and helped me into a nightshirt and pajama bottoms. Finally, after reattaching the leg brace, he helped me to my feet and walked me to my bedroom.

"Th-Thank you, Hide. For everything." A million other words were flying around in my mind, most of them including some synonym of 'love,' but none of them made it as far as my mouth. I just couldn't take the chance that my confession would drive him away. Besides, what went on just now wasn't anything romantic anyway, he said so himself. Just a natural reaction that probably meant nothing to him other than just getting off.

"No thanks needed, man! But I should get going though. I'll be in a real jam if I miss the last train. I'll see you tomorrow, good night." He flashed that smile again, then closed the door behind him. I wanted to call out to him, to tell him he could stay here for the night. Anything to keep him close just a while longer. But I couldn't do it. Whoever he had to be dating wouldn't appreciate him spending all his time with me. I don't want to make things difficult for him.

So, I settled into bed, replaying what happened tonight in my mind like a highlight reel. Even though I knew better, I could fool myself into believing the connection we made was real, just for a short while, couldn't I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -A major theme in Tokyo Ghoul was that Kaneki would always try to handle everything on his own. I wanted to include that detail here, which is why Hide mentions it when Kaneki first tries to refuse Hide's help with his erection. I like making references to the source material and enjoy when readers comment that they picked up on them.


	6. Chapter 6

Surprisingly enough, the days since that incident in the shower went by without either of us mentioning what happened. It further confirmed my thoughts of it meaning nothing to him. He didn't treat me any differently, which was a relief and made things less awkward. At my last check-up, my doctor said I no longer needed the leg brace and that I should start walking to strengthen it. They changed my arm cast as well, replacing it with a less bulky version that made it easier to move. My hip still gave me trouble though, and due to that, I started to walk with a noticeable limp.

Hide started driving us to school after my brace was removed. I told him that walking would be good for me, but he insisted on taking me himself. It's getting harder for me to say no to him, mainly since one of the last times I seriously tried was when I got aroused in front of him. I remembered the expression he made as he insisted on handling the problem himself. I won't lie, it still turned me on imagining his face as he sat behind me, wondering what was going on in his mind as he made me come. A knock on the door shook me from that fantasy.

"Time to get going Kaneki, you ready?" Hide said through the door. I pulled myself up from my chair and leaned against the arm while I balanced my backpack on my shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm coming out now," I replied as I started for the door. Taking small steps is more comfortable on my hip, though it takes me longer to get around. Hide hasn't once acted impatient with me though. I opened the door to see him smiling as he reached out to take my bag.

"And I'll take that, no need adding extra weight to yourself while you're still recovering. You know I don't mind carrying your stuff."

"I-I know that, but still..."

"Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I may not be able to stay over as long to help you out anymore. I picked up a part-time job, but only for a short while. I'll still make sure you're taken care of, so don't worry, okay?" Hide looked back at me, smiling. I felt like he was waiting to see my reaction to the news.

"Is that wise? With your classes, you don't want to put too much strain on yourself. You already spend so much of your free time helping me; I don't want that to hinder your studies."

"It's only a few hours a week; it'll hardly make a difference. And my studies haven't been affected at all. I'm not worried and you shouldn't be either," Hide said as he turned back and opened his car door for me.

He parked in the lot and we started making our way into the school. Our first classes were in the same area, so we typically walked together. There have been moments where Hide gets ahead of me since my pace is much slower. He'll realize I'm not at his side anymore, then stop to wait for me to catch up. He tries to disguise it, but I usually catch this look on his face that seems like he's sad about something. Today hasn't been much different, with Hide getting further ahead while I'm left limping along slowly.

"Hey, Gimpy! Try hopping along a little faster, some of us want to make it to class sometime today!"

I turned around to see who was harassing me and saw that it was my friend Touka's younger brother, Ayato. He'd always had a bad temper and a mouth to go with it. It didn't surprise me that he would be the one to call me out like this. I ignored him and continued on my way when I noticed Hide start to tense up; his hands squeezed tightly into fists.

Hide suddenly whirled around and reached past me, grabbed Ayato by his shirt and pulled him closer until their faces were mere inches apart.

"What kind of sorry bastard makes fun of an injured person like that? Maybe I should beat you until you're in the same situation, so you can see what it's like! You ever insult Kaneki like that again, and I'll do just that!"

He let go of Ayato's shirt and backed away from him. Adrenaline still racing, I could see his breathing had increased. Something I couldn't believe I was seeing was the look of hate and anger in his eyes. Not once have I ever seen him react so aggressively to anything or anyone.

Ayato straightened his shirt collar and replied, "Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try that. I bet even if you did manage to hurt me, I'd still get around faster than that crippled little wimp. Does he always get you to fight his battles for him? Or maybe you're protecting him as payback? Rumor is that you're the one that ran him over and gave him that gimpy leg to start with!"

Hide had no control over himself after hearing that. He charged at Ayato, grabbing him by his throat and shaking him violently. I got over there as quickly as I could, and just as Hide pulled his arm back to throw the first punch, I grabbed it at the elbow with my free hand and held tight.

"Hide, please stop! You don't have to do this for my sake, it doesn't have to go this far," I exclaimed as I continued holding Hide's arm to prevent him from striking Ayato.

Hide continued his ranting, focusing on the boy that he had in front of him.

"It's true! I did cause him to get hurt, but you have no idea what it's been like for him! You didn't see him barely alive on the ground, or in his hospital bed, crying from the pain. Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to see him limping like that, knowing that _I'm_ the one responsible for his pain? You little prick..." Hide stopped struggling against my grip and dropped his arm as well as his hold on Ayato's neck. "You couldn't handle half as much as Kaneki's gone through over the last few weeks. If I ever see you bother him again, I'll... I'll break half the bones in your body; you got me?"

Ayato's fearful expression made it clear that he got Hide's message loud and clear. He gingerly rubbed his hand against his neck. "Whatever, it's not worth the effort."

He walked away quickly as the crowd around us began to do the same. Only Hide and I remained, and I realized I was still holding onto his arm. I let go and ran my hand through my hair nervously. My fingers rubbed at the side of my neck before resting on my chin.

"It was just some younger kid's teasing, it really doesn't bother me, Hide. It's not like it's the first time I've been bullied like that, but honestly, I don't mind it at all."

Hide was still breathing heavy, he was even shaking. What I saw next hurt more than anything that came out of Ayato's mouth that day.

Hide was crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Yep, Hide threatens to break half the bones in Ayato's body just the way Kaneki did in the manga. It was very satisfying to write that bit and put Ayato in his place.
> 
> -Another reference, this time with Kaneki's habit for touching his chin when he's not telling the truth, as he tries to convince Hide that he wasn't bothered by Ayato's bullying.


	7. Chapter 7

"Hide, why are you crying? Please don't be upset; I'm fine with it!" I wanted to pull him close and hold him until he felt like himself again. But being in the middle of campus made that difficult. I settled for putting my hand on his shoulder instead.

"I'm sorry, Kaneki, but I know you're not 'fine with it.' You're too nice to be treated that way, whether you're bothered by it or not. I let my emotions get the better of me back there, and I apologize if I scared you. I meant every word I said, though. I feel so guilty seeing you like this and knowing it's my fault. I'm trying to make things right with you, but honestly, I don't think I could ever do enough to manage that." He wiped his sleeve across his face, erasing the paths his tears took down his cheeks.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Hide. You've gone far beyond what anyone would do for someone in this situation. You were good enough to keep me company and help me while I recover. Whatever your reasoning, you're a good person and shouldn't feel guilty about what happened to me." It amazed me how easy it was to say that to Hide. I don't think I could have said something like this to him before the accident. Not without stuttering over every other word or speaking too low for him even to hear me.

Hide took in a deep cleansing breath then smiled. "You're too kind, man. But I think we should get to class. I feel like I should redeem myself after all this depressing stuff. How about we go out tonight after school. My treat?" He put his arm over my right shoulder and pulled me close.

"Umm, yeah sure. Sounds good," I said as we made our way to our respective classrooms. It was a relief to see Hide acting like himself again. I wonder what he had in mind for tonight, the anticipation of it made me smile.

* * *

"So, you've never been to a club before?!"

"You don't have to say it with such a surprised voice, Hide. I just like to keep to myself, but it's certainly interesting in here. And kind of loud." The music was blasting throughout the building. The bass thumped hard enough for me to feel the reverberations in my chest.

Hide led me towards the bar. "I'll buy you a drink, what do you want?"

"Well, I haven't tried much alcohol either, so I don't know what I'd like."

He covered his face with his hand and chuckled, "Really?! You are old enough to drink, right?"

"Of course I am! It's just... I never really had the opportunity, and drinking alone didn't seem like much fun, so..."

"Well, that's ending tonight my friend! We should probably start you off with something light since I'm not sure how well you handle your alcohol. You won't be drinking alone; I'll be right here with you so have some fun, okay?" He turned to the bartender and ordered our drinks. He soon handed me a glass, "Here, this is orange juice and vodka. It's called a screwdriver. Since you don't know your tolerance yet, just go easy and sip it."

"Mmm, it's not too bad," I said as I tasted it. We walked around the bar for a little while, listening to the music and watching other people dance to it.

"You want to sit down for a bit? We can find a table towards the back."

I nodded, my hip had been aching a little more than usual since the morning. I took some pain medicine before leaving my place but sitting would help more at this point.

We made our way towards the back, Hide taking my right hand to lead me through the crowd. His hand was warm and it distracted me from the surroundings. Hide came to a sudden stop, which made me run into him. I looked to see what caused him to halt so suddenly and saw another guy in front of us.

"Well hello, Hide, it's been too long since we've seen you here." The man wore a well-fitting yet eccentric purple suit.

"I've just had better things to do, Tsukiyama. I see you haven't changed at all."

"And why would I change, dear Hide? Just because we've had some disagreements in the past, that doesn't mean we can't make up for them here in the present. Oh, and who do we have here?" He ducked to the side to get a closer look at me. "I didn't realize you had brought a guest with you. What is your name, dear boy?"

"Uhm, I'm Kaneki Ken. I-It's nice to meet you."

"Well isn't he just the cutest!" He walked around Hide and leaned closer to my face. "So well-mannered and easy on the eyes as well. I could just simply devour you!"

"He's not interested, so back off. Let's go Kaneki," Hide said as he took my hand once again and quickly walked away from Tsukiyama. Once we got a good distance away, he turned to face me. "Keep your distance from that guy, okay? He's only good for causing trouble. Hmm, maybe we should just take off and find somewhere else to go."

I didn't know why Hide had such an aversion to this Tsukiyama guy; he seemed like a decent person. My glass was empty, and I started to feel a little light-headed. "No, we don't have to leave, I'm sure it'll be fine. Did you want to get more drinks, I'm out of mine."

"I'm still not finished with my first yet, but I can go get you a refill if you'd like," he said as he took my empty glass. "I'll be right back, don't go anywhere."

The lights grew more intense as they synced with the music, flashing and spinning in all directions. My head started to feel strange, and the urge to pee hit me as well. I looked around for a bathroom and slowly made my way towards it.

Tsukiyama stepped in front of me just as I reached the doorway to the restroom. "Ahh, little Kaneki, how are you doing? I apologize for earlier. I fear that Hide may not be over our little spats from when he used to frequent this establishment. My, you look a little pale, are you feeling alright?"

"I-I just need to use the bathroom, thanks for asking but I'm fine."

"You don't look fine, dear Kaneki. Here, let me help you," he said as he opened the bathroom door for me. Thanking him, I stepped inside and went into a urinal stall. Leaning against the privacy wall, I relieved myself but suddenly felt dizzy.

Tsukiyama started talking from across the room but I couldn't make sense of what he was saying. As he approached his words grew clearer.

"Let's find a place for you to sit down. I imagine your injuries haven't completely healed yet, have they?" He glanced at the cast on my left arm.

"How did you know about..."

"I have my sources, Kaneki. Your accident didn't go unnoticed. And since I have you here in private, I'll even share this little detail with you. There's more to your accident than what Hide has likely told you."

"W-What do you mean?" Tsukiyama was getting closer. I pressed my back against the wall but could retreat no further. My limbs grew numb; even if I could run away, I wouldn't have made it very far.

"Enough talk, why don't we get to know each other a little more... personally?" One of his legs moved between my own, his knee nudged against the front of my pants. The sudden contact sent a chill throughout me. Even in this haze, I felt his leg stimulate me and force my breath to quicken. He pinned my free hand to the wall and leaned in for a kiss. Did I really want him to kiss me, though?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Even this early in the story, Hide is aware of Kaneki's chin touching tell, since he says, "I know you're not 'fine with it.'" Hide has been known to be very perceptive.
> 
> -I wanted to see Hide and Kaneki in a social setting and thought a bar or club would work. Tsukiyama being a "club guy" fit for his character since he's so flashy and dramatic. Keep in mind that I still hadn't planned for anyone to be a Ghoul, even though I just had to throw in the line about Tsukiyama wanting to devour Kaneki.


	8. Chapter 8

Tsukiyama briefly kissed me, then moved to my neck and started to lick and suck on the tender flesh. It felt terrific, between that and the friction he was creating over my cock with his knee, I couldn't help but cry out with desire.

But it wasn't Hide that was making me feel this way, so it wasn't right.

"W-Wait, please."

"You're not bound to him, are you? It doesn't appear that you two are exclusively seeing each other. Besides, your body's telling me you want this just as much as I do. So, relax and enjoy the moment."

My head felt dizzy again. Between the drink and the man currently rousing my lust, I felt frozen and helpless. All I could think of was where Hide was and how ashamed he'd be of me.

The door to the bathroom suddenly flung open, calling our attention to see who had entered.

"I told you to back off, Tsukiyama! Take your disgusting hands off him now!" Hide yelled into the room as he approached us. Tsukiyama stepped away from me, holding up his hands in surrender with a smug grin on his face.

"Well now Hide, you should have just said he was yours and saved us all a lot of trouble. Enjoy the rest of your evening, gentlemen. And don't forget what we talked about, dear Kaneki." He straightened his jacket and walked towards the door, pausing next to Hide.

"I'd suggest not making an enemy of me, Hide. There are things I know that would completely unravel the happy little life you're making for yourself. Ciao!" He walked out of the room, leaving Hide and me alone.

"Are you okay, Kaneki? I got so worried when I came back and found you gone! When I was looking for you, I noticed I didn't see _him_ either and started fearing the worst. I'm so glad I got here before anything worse happened."

He looked me over, inspecting my body for damage I suppose. His eyes concentrated on my neck where Tsukiyama had been focusing his attention. "How dare that bastard leave a mark on you!"

He pulled me close for a hug. "You can't be so careless, okay? Just trust that when I tell you to avoid people, it's for a good reason. He likes to take advantage of people, especially the ones that I..." He took a moment to breathe, then held me tighter, nuzzling his face into my shoulder.

Although I was happy having Hide this close, I grew insecure after recalling Tsukiyama's statement about Hide and the accident. I didn't have the energy to stand any longer and felt my legs give out from beneath me.

"Whoa! I gotcha buddy, let's get you home," Hide said as he caught me before I hit the floor. We must've left the club since the music started to fade suddenly. I was so tired, I figured now was a good time to rest though. I felt safe again, knowing Hide was with me.

* * *

I woke up the next morning with a ridiculous headache. "Urgh, why all this pain over one drink?" I grasped the sides of my head, slowly acclimating my eyes to the light within my room. I wasn't expecting to find Hide sleeping next to me on the bed.

My first instinct was to cry out, but he looked so peaceful I kept quiet. He was sleeping on top of the covers while I was tucked beneath them. I looked below the sheets and saw I was completely nude. Fear started to set in as I struggled to remember what happened after we left the club last night.

"Mmm, oh hey Kaneki. How'd you sleep?" said Hide as he rubbed his eyes, not at all bothered by the current situation.

"Uhm... Good, I guess. My head hurts, and I-I can't remember much from last night," I said as I rested my head against the palms of my hands.

"You were passing out on your feet. I didn't think you'd have such a bad reaction to one drink. I got you home, but you were mumbling to yourself about not feeling right, so I stayed to make sure you didn't get sick. Then you said you felt hot, so I helped take your clothes off before getting you into the bed. Do you want me to get you something for your headache?"

"S-Sure, the pain meds in my medicine cabinet should work."

Hide left the room and soon returned with a glass of water and my pill bottle.

"Umm, Kaneki... You didn't happen to take these yesterday, did you?"

"Yeah, my hip was bothering me, but I didn't want to cancel on you, so I took them before I left the apartment. Why?"

Hide tossed the bottle into my lap. I looked at the label and realized my mistake.

"You're not supposed to drink alcohol while taking those. I should have realized you were still on meds and avoided the whole club scene. That's why you had such a bad response to just one drink. I'm sorry, Kaneki."

"Don't worry about it, Hide. This was completely my fault! You got me home safe and took care of me even though you didn't have to."

"I couldn't protect you completely though," he said as he glanced at my neck. What was there that was making him so upset? I got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom. Halfway there, I realized I wasn't wearing any clothes. Afraid to turn around to see the expression on Hide's face, I continued and closed the door behind me. I limped over to the sink and mirror and looked at myself.

"What the hell is that?!" A huge bruise had developed on my neck. Did I fall at some point and hit it against something?

"Everything okay, Kaneki?" Hide said through the door. "Can I come in?"

"Uhm, sure. Oh, wait!" I scrambled to the dryer and pulled out a clean pair of underwear. I could at least cover myself partially right now. "Okay, I'm ready."

Hide walked into the bathroom, "Did you see it?"

"Yeah, I must have been a real mess last night, falling and hurting myself."

"Kaneki, that isn't a bruise on your neck, it's a hickey."

"What?! How did I get one of those?" My mind still ached, trying to remember things from last night just intensified the pain.

Hide stood before me and looked me in the eyes, "Do you really not know how you got it? How much of last night can you remember?"

"I remember getting the drink from you. Then we walked around for a while before I had to use the bathroom. I ran into Tsukiyama on the way there, and we talked for a little while. And then he..."

_He kissed me._

The memories played back like movie scenes, Tsukiyama coming on to me, kissing and sucking on me. I understand why I have the mark on my neck now. I also recalled the words of doubt he planted in my mind, but now isn't the time to bring that up.

"I-I remember now. This is so embarrassing. How could I have let him do that?"

"I told you Kaneki; he takes advantage of people. He must have realized you weren't well and made his move while you were vulnerable. It's not your fault, so don't feel ashamed. You weren't yourself at that moment, so it's okay." He smiled at me, "You should eat something first if you're going to take those pain pills though. Let's see what kind of magic I can work in your kitchen today!"

"Thank you, Hide."

I'm sorry he had to see me like that. Watching me getting aroused by another guy isn't what I wanted Hide to see. I wanted it to be him doing those things to me, but I just can't bring myself to tell him. I really am a lost cause. And yet, he's still here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -"There are things I know that would completely unravel the happy little life you're making for yourself." Just a simple reference to the OP for the first season of the Tokyo Ghoul anime, Unravel by TK from Ling tosite sigure.
> 
> -Of course Kaneki would be dense enough to not realize he had a hickey on his neck.


	9. Chapter 9

Hide left that morning for his part-time job. I saw him off at the door and watched him get into the elevator. He made a goofy grin and waved as the doors closed in front of him. I turned to go back to my apartment when I heard someone call my name. I ducked my head back into the hallway and noticed that Touka was the one getting my attention. She moved a few doors down from me around the time I started college. Since we shared some classes, we became friends and talked regularly.

"Oh, hey there Touka. How are you doing?"

"Eh, can't complain. I heard about my little brother's actions the other day, and I just wanted to tell you that I gave Ayato a good beating for pulling that crap. If he bothers you again just let me know, and I'll take care of it."

She's always been hard on the outside, but once you get to know her, she can be pretty sensitive and emotional. The tough side of her isn't just for show either. She can back up her talk any day of the week. I learned that lesson a few times.

"Oh, that's not necessary, he's just a kid, he'll grow out of that kind of behavior soon enough."

She nodded before continuing. "So that guy that just left... Is he the one that threatened to break half the bones in Ayato's body?"

"Oh, you mean Hide? Uh, yeah, I suppose he did say that. I'm sure he wouldn't do it though! Things were just a bit heated at that moment."

"I don't know, from the way Ayato described it, he was serious enough about what he said to him. Is Hide always that protective over you or is there something more to it?"

Our friendship had gotten to where we could confide in each other when things got to be more than we could keep to ourselves. She'd talk to me about school issues, and I'd occasionally vent a little about work. I briefly mentioned having a crush on somebody that frequented the store, but she never kept digging for more details, so I never felt like what I was saying would get back to him.

"He's actually the one I told you about before. You know, the customer I like? Hide was the driver that accidentally hit me in the parking lot. Since then he's been helping me around the apartment while I recover. That's why he was with me during the incident with your little brother. Being closer to him the last few weeks has made me like him more, but I don't believe the feelings are mutual."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, Kaneki. Judging by the way he defended you so fiercely against my brother, there could be more to it than just simple friendship or him feeling indebted to you. But don't take my word for it, just be observant of him."

"Yeah, I'll do that." I said in an admittedly dismissive tone.

Touka grabbed me by the neck of my sweater and pulled me close to her. "Even if his position isn't obvious, you should just man up and tell him how you feel anyway! You've felt this way towards him for months. You should just get it off your chest and see where it leads the two of you."

I looked away from her, unsure if I should keep sharing myself with her. She's never judged me too harshly or given me bad advice, but she's more outgoing than I am. Confessing to someone wouldn't be as hard for her as it would be for me, so I'm not sure if she understands my perspective.

"Thanks, Touka. I'll do my best." She let me go and brushed at my collar to straighten it up.

"I know you're a shy guy, but you'll never get what you want by standing still. Enjoy your weekend, see ya later." Touka briefly waved as she walked back to her door and went inside.

Like I said, she rarely gives me bad advice.

* * *

"You didn't have to come back today, Hide. I know you must have been tired from staying up with me the night before. You should go home and get some sleep."

"What, and miss out on taking care of your laundry or cleaning your floors? Are you trying to suck all the fun out of my life?" Hide smiled as he continued to work around my apartment. Despite the grin on his face, he still looked exhausted. My arm was close to healed and in a sling now. I've gained some ability to take care of things around my place, but admittedly there are still some things that I can't do with just one good arm.

"I just don't want you to overwork yourself. I'm sure between school and your new job; you aren't left with much time to rest."

"I'm fine, Kaneki. I'm only coming over every other day now, so it's not as bad as you think. I don't want to go back on my promise to help you, so this is just as important as school and work to me."

I nodded, "It won't be long before I can go back to work myself. I have an appointment with my doctor next Tuesday morning. I should get an idea of how much longer I'll be on medical leave while I'm there. Getting back to the store will be nice. Despite all that happened, I do miss it."

"You shouldn't rush going back to work, Kaneki," Hide said in a more serious tone than he had previously. "Anyway, forget about that, what do you want to do for dinner tonight? I have a recipe for hamburger steaks that I've wanted to try. I could go get the ingredients and make it tonight, totally up to you though."

I couldn't help but wonder about the intense reaction he had to me mentioning returning to work. He's probably just tired, no need to push it if he doesn't feel like talking about it.

"That sounds nice, Hide. If you're going to Mado's, do you mind if I tag along? I haven't seen Miss Akira since she came to see me in the hospital after the accident."

"No! Uh, no it's not necessary, it'll only take me a short time to do the shopping, I wasn't planning to go there anyway. I'll be right back!" And just like that, he was out the door before I could even think to put my shoes on.

* * *

"That hamburger was better than the one my favorite restaurant makes, thank you Hide!" I finished the last of the food on my plate and put down my fork, full and satisfied.

"You're welcome! It was nothing, really. Who knew I'd finally get a chance to cook a real meal for you, huh Kaneki?"

That reminded me of all the times before the accident when I'd imagine him making me dinner. The realization that he just made my dream a reality set in, and my face felt hot suddenly.

I insisted on doing the dishes, to which Hide finally relented and went to sit on the couch and turned on the TV. The news was running another story about Ghouls, the human-like monsters that survive by eating people. Hide paused briefly before changing the channel.

When I finished with the dishes, I joined Hide on the couch, sitting to his left. During the next commercial break, I looked over and noticed he had fallen asleep. Watching him, I couldn't help but smile at how sweet he looked. I grabbed the blanket to my left and draped it over him carefully. Since it's the weekend, it probably won't be a problem if he stayed the night. He needed to get some rest anyway.

Just as I was about to get up, he leaned on me, resting his head on my shoulder. A comforting sigh escaped from his lips as he snuggled up to me. Resigning to the fact that I'd wake him by moving, I pulled some of the blankets over myself and leaned my head back against the couch cushion. I'm sure the smile on my face didn't fade once I drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -I know that at the beginning of the manga, Touka is still in high school and preparing to start college while Kaneki is in his first year of college. I altered this to have them both attending college at the same time. It could be argued that this takes place a year later than the manga's beginning, that way she'd be a first-year and he'd be a second-year student. Or just chalk it up to artistic liberties.
> 
> -I wanted someone to be there for Kaneki to confide in and to offer advice. I saw that person being Touka and went with it.
> 
> -"What, and miss out on taking care of your laundry or cleaning your floors? Are you trying to suck all the fun out of my life?" One of my favorite lines for Hide.


	10. Chapter 10

"Looks like your arm has healed well, Kaneki. The sling isn't necessary anymore but hold onto it just in case. If you feel any discomfort, you can put it back on, but try to get more activity out of it. I can put you in for some physical therapy appointments if you'd like."

"Thank you, Dr. Yoshimura. So, am I cleared to go back to work now?"

The doctor looked at my arm, "Well, I'd prefer that you built up your strength first, but if you have to go back, I can allow you to do so on a light duty basis. No heavy lifting or pulling. In other words, stay away from those carts, okay? I'll notify your supervisor about your clearance and light duty restriction. I'll see you again in two weeks for a follow-up."

"Yes, thank you, Doctor."

Walking back home, I considered texting Hide to let him know I was alright now. But the more I thought about it, the longer I hesitated. If I tell him that I'm better now, wouldn't that mean that he'd have no reason to come over anymore? I thought that maybe if I delayed telling him, I could enjoy his company just a little bit longer. So, I put the sling back on and went home.

* * *

"Sorry to hear you'll be in that sling awhile longer, Kaneki. Don't worry though; I'll still have you covered here with your chores!"

It was hard to look him in the eyes, especially considering how exhausted he looked. He had work and school today and still came over to help me. Even as we were eating the dinner he brought over; I saw him dozing off between bites of food. It wasn't fair to him, and yet I couldn't tell him that I didn't need his help anymore. Instead, I decided to focus on a different problem.

"Hide, I know it isn't my business, but I feel like I should say something. I-I think that you should quit your job before you over-exert yourself. I'm not sure why you feel it necessary to work, but if you end up sick or worse, it's just not worth it! You can barely stay awake right now. If this keeps up, you could get hurt. I-I'd hate to see that happen to you..."

Hide's fatigue seemed to retreat as he listened to me; his smile felt more intense than usual.

"I'm happy to know that you're worried about me Kaneki. I know how much I can take, and I'm nowhere near that point yet. I appreciate your concern, though. So, I was thinking... Do you want to catch a movie with me this Friday? I'll have the whole day free, so I'd like to get out and do something fun. I'd be thrilled if you'd join me."

He sidestepped the issue again. But more importantly... the movies?! With me?

"U-Uh sure, that does sound like fun. But only if you get enough rest before then, okay? Skip coming over here if you need to. It wouldn't be much fun if you fell asleep halfway through the show."

"Haha, I guess you're right, Kaneki. I promise I won't fall asleep though."

* * *

True to his word, he was alert and energetic Friday afternoon when he came by to pick me up. We got a quick meal at the burger place near the theater before getting tickets to the latest monster flick. We took our seats in the middle of the top row and looked out to see a nearly empty room. There were a few other people that were seated much further down and out of our way. Hide sat to my right so I'd have a place to prop my arm up on the rest to my left.

"Is this a good spot? I always like sitting here; it feels like we're the only ones in the room once the movie starts," Hide said as he settled in.

"Yeah, it's nice. I don't go to the movies that often. Thanks for inviting me to come along."

"No worries. The pleasure's all mine, Kaneki."

As the show began, the lights dimmed, reflecting the screen's brightness back against us. Now and then I'd steal a glance towards Hide to see his reactions to the movie. I didn't expect him to be interested in this type of movie genre. He seemed to enjoy it though, smiling and laughing at all the right scenes.

As my attention went back to the movie, Hide put his left hand down on the armrest between us, covering my hand with his own. I suppose we could share the space, nothing wrong with that. His warmth felt nice when combined with the darkened room. At least no one was nearby to see us. His thumb slowly rubbed the back of my hand, gentle and soft. I felt a chill run through me as he continued touching my hand, massaging the area under my thumb. How was I supposed to react to this? Maybe he was trying to get me to move my hand or something. I slowly retracted my arm, giving up the space for him to use.

Hide glanced down between us, then looked at me and smiled. His hand wandered over to the top of my right leg, pausing for a moment just above my knee. Hide slowly moved his hand further up my thigh, his fingers grazing the fabric of my pants with firm but steady pressure. In my panic, I couldn't think of any words to say, but my body understood it loud and clear. My pants grew tight as his lingering touch made me hard with anticipation. I felt myself ache as he got closer, wondering just how far I was willing to let him go. How far _should_ I let him get?

"W-What do you think you're doing?!" I whispered as my temporary paralysis lifted and I crossed my legs to both hide my erection and avoid any further advance by his fingers.

"I wanted to see your reaction. You're cute when you're embarrassed; you know that?"

Hide turned to face me, casually draping his left arm over the back of his seat while laying his face on his forearm. Seeing him look so handsome did nothing to calm my lustful urges. My face felt flushed as I attempted to slide further up in my seat, trying to avoid his wandering hands while also trying to make sense of what he was saying.

"You should save that sort of stuff for your girlfriend, don't you think?" I didn't know how else to explain his actions. Maybe he was tired and thought that he was sitting next to her instead of me.

Hide just stared at me, confusion written all over his face, illuminated by the light from the movie screen.

"Who said I was dating anybody?"

"Well, I know you never mentioned anyone, but someone like you... I just figured you would be in a relationship with someone."

Hide reached out and put his hand on my forearm.

"Of course I never mentioned anyone, Kaneki. Why would I do that when you're the person I'm interested in dating in the first place?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theater scene art created by reddit user u/bluedotdenizen
> 
> Trivia:  
> -The main theme for this story was keeping secrets. In Kaneki's instance, it was keeping his feelings for Hide to himself. Now he is also hiding the fact that his arm is now healed, and the sling is no longer necessary.


	11. Chapter 11

I could only stare at Hide as he smiled at me. Did he just say that he wanted to date me?!

He took my right hand and pulled it toward his face. He ran his lips lightly against the back of my hand before pressing it against the warmth of his cheek.

"It's always been you, Kaneki. From the first time I saw you behind the register at Mado's. I knew then that I wanted to get to know you better. I'm just sorry for the circumstances that got us to this point."

Frozen in place, I could do little more than move the tips of my fingers across his smooth skin. Every word I attempted to speak right then just got stuck in my throat. Hot tears began to pool in my eyes until finally, I managed to move on my own once more.

"I-I need a minute. D-Don't go anywhere; I'll be right back!"

I stood up on shaky knees and carefully made my way down the theater steps. I barely made it to the bathroom before the tears fell. All these months I never once believed that the feelings I had could ever be returned. Hide just turned that all around with one sentence. Realizing that he felt the same way as I do was such a relief, I couldn't help but sob uncontrollably. As much as I hated leaving him alone just now, there's no way I wanted Hide to see me like this. I wiped my eyes frantically, willing myself to calm down so I could get back to him. Now isn't the time for crying, Kaneki! Like Touka said, I won't get what I want if I stand still. This is where I gather up the courage to admit my feelings for Hide.

I held my head over the sink and splashed some cold water on my face. I must take this chance now, I may never get another one. Taking a few deep breaths, I walked to the exit. As I pulled the door, another set of hands was pushing from the other side.

"Ah Kaneki, there you are! I was starting to think I scared you away with what I said."

Shaking my head frantically, "Oh, no Hide. What you said... I-I feel the same way. About you, of course," I said in a low voice.

"Really? You had a crush on me as well? You were always so shy, I couldn't pick up on it at all!" Hide looked around the lobby then looked back at me. "We should finish this conversation at home, let's go."

* * *

I struggled to open my door, my shaking hand unable to align the key to the lock's opening.

"Kaneki, there's no reason to be so nervous," he whispered into my ear as he helped steady my hand and got the door open. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

I had just barely locked it before Hide pressed me against the back of the door. Holding my face in his hands, he leaned forward and kissed me. He gently stroked my cheeks as his lips parted and his tongue begged me for entry. I gave in to the demand and let my tongue mingle with his. With my left arm still bound in the sling, I could only reach my right arm out, running my fingers through his hair.

Eventually, Hide pulled away so we could catch our breath. I looked up at him with lustful eyes, craving more than just one taste of his lips. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close and rubbing my back.

"I've wanted this for so long! I can't express how happy I am right now, Kaneki. To be able to hold you in my arms like this... It's like my dreams are finally becoming a reality!"

"I never gave myself the chance to believe this could happen. And now that it is, I don't want it to end."

His lips pressed against mine once more, briefly. "It won't have to, Kaneki."

I was the one to pull him close this time, no longer amused by the distance between our bodies. Resting my head against his chest, I reached under his shirt, longing to feel the warmth of his skin. He followed suit, only to be hindered by my arm sling. Unable to take my shirt off without first removing the sling, he instead backed away and pulled off his shirt. His slim arms and slightly muscular chest and stomach were a feast for my eyes.

"I'll take the sling off," I said as I pulled the strap over my head to remove it.

"You don't have to, not if it'll be uncomfortable for you without it," he said as he reached out to offer support to my forearm.

"It's fine for now, I'll be careful not to strain it too much," I told him as I tossed it to the side.

Hide left a trail of gentle kisses from my wrist to shoulder, "I'll be extra careful as well."

I suddenly felt very self-conscious of the body beneath my clothes. Hide looked so fit and healthy, while my body was admittedly weak and unappealing in comparison. Hide didn't hesitate to pull my shirt off once the sling was out of the way. With my skin exposed under the apartment's dingy fluorescent lights, I instinctively crossed my arms over my chest.

"After I waited so patiently for you to get naked, you're going to cover up? Not fair!" He circled behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me off the floor.

"Wh-Whoa Hide! What are you doing?!"

"Whatever I have to do to see that fine-looking body of yours! I promised to be careful with your arm, so I'm going to have to make this a fair fight by getting you on the bed!" He half-carried, half-dragged me towards my bed, laughing all the way. Once we got there, he gently shoved me back onto it. As I lay there, arms at my sides, he stood over me with an accomplished grin.

"You're beautiful, Kaneki. Every inch of you. You won't ever forget it, because I'll never stop telling you," Hide said as he joined me on the bed, straddling me as we started to make out.

The pressure of his body against mine made me harder than I was in the theater earlier in the evening. I reached between us to undo my pants, wishing for more direct contact. I tried to squirm out of them but found it impossible while Hide was still on top of me. Sensing this, he slid off, grabbing the waistband of my pants and guiding them off me.

Feeling bold, I sat up and grabbed Hide's pants and pulled his down as well. He liked that I took the initiative to strip him, got off the bed and pulled me to the edge. With my legs over the side, he kneeled in front of me, eyeing the trembling bulge pushing against my boxer briefs.

"W-What are you gonna do, Hide?"

"Make you feel really, _really_ good," Hide said as he pulled my underwear off and held my cock in his hand. Without breaking eye contact, he took me into his mouth. The warmth and wetness of it made me tremble immediately. I'd never had a blowjob before, but what Hide was doing right now was nothing short of pure sensual bliss. His tongue spun around the head of my cock as he slid his wet lips back and forth along its length. Driven by the desire for more stimulation, my hips started moving in rhythm with his motions.

"Hide, I won't last much longer if you keep that up!"

My words only encouraged him to continue. Loud slurping noises filled the room as his pace increased. My cock began to twitch, anticipating my oncoming climax. He refused to slow down, wrapping his lips tightly around me.

I yelled out as I thrust myself further into his mouth and came inside it. Hide slowed his movements, and I could feel his throat muscles contract. As I regained my senses, I realized what I'd just done.

"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come in your mouth like that, Hide. But did you... Did you swallow it?"

Hide's eyes looked glassy as he nodded his head in response. "Mmm hmm. It's okay Kaneki; I like it that way so don't feel bad. It was just as hot for me as it was for you, trust me." To prove he was speaking the truth, he stood up and revealed his cock, fully engorged and looking like it was aching for attention.

Even though I just had one of the most amazing sexual experiences of my life, seeing Hide in that condition got me hard all over again. But I didn't want to reciprocate with a blowjob. I had an overwhelming desire to have Hide inside me. As close as the two of us could be to each other.

"Kaneki, can I?"

"Yeah, I want you. All of you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short delay for this chapter, I know I was managing two chapters a week for a while. But at least I was able to get this one out today for my birthday! The next chapter may be delayed as well since I have a work trip that will take me away from home for the rest of the week. But please let me know what you think of the story so far. I'm really enjoying writing this story. Every time I think I've got the ending figured out, I think of more ideas, so it should be an interesting journey for Hide and Kaneki. Thanks again for reading, commenting, and leaving me kudos, see you next week!


	12. Chapter 12

"Ahh, Hide! That's too much! I can't take much more if you keep rubbing me there!"

Hide didn't waver as he continued preparing my body for our first time together. He'd pulled a small packet of lube and several condoms from one of his pockets and tossed them onto the bed. Ripping the lube open, he generously coated his fingers before pouring some of it directly on my ass. From there, he slowly inserted his fingers, one at a time, and started massaging my insides.

"Your prostate is one part of you that'll feel amazing if it's stimulated, Kaneki. But it's important to get this area ready before anything else can happen. Doing this helps avoid some of the discomfort. I think we can move on, so don't come just yet."

It surprised me that Hide was so experienced with this type of sex, but I was thankful that he knew what he was doing. I didn't have any problem putting my trust in him since he'd never do anything to hurt me. He withdrew his fingers, their hasty exit leaving me with an empty sensation. As I lay on my back, Hide got up on his knees and picked up a condom, tearing it open with his teeth. I ached with desire as I watched him sheath his cock with the thin latex covering.

"I'll go slow at first, Kaneki. Just relax," Hide said as I felt him press himself against me. The slickness of the lube, as well as preparing me helped guide his cock inside me. The emptiness I felt vanished; instead, a warm fullness took its place. It felt strange yet satisfying, with only some discomfort. The further in he went, the more I could feel those same areas he'd previously touched with his fingers being teased once more.

"Mmm, I'm in. Are you okay, Kaneki? Does it hurt?"

"No, I'm fine. You can move if you want, Hide." He started to thrust slowly. In this position, he was hitting just the right spot. It hadn't been that long since I'd finished in Hide's mouth, and yet I could feel myself building up for another release.

Hide lay on top of me, his erratic breathing next to my ear intensified the pleasure I felt from him. He leaned my legs up and held them in place with his arms. This new position offered him the opportunity to go even deeper, which unleashed a new wave of excitement within my body. I wanted more of him.

"Ha-Harder."

"Okay. This isn't hurting your hip, is it? Let me know if it does, and I'll stop."

To be honest, there's never a time when it doesn't hurt to some degree. But I'd rather deal with the pain than to have him pull out of me right now.

"It's fine, don't stop!"

Hide wasn't holding back any longer. Every motion inside me pressed against my prostate and brought me to my second orgasm of the evening. I cried out as I came hard, my cock spasming as it released itself across my chest and stomach.

"Oh wow, you're squeezing me so tight right now, Kaneki! I'm so close!"

I felt a sudden rush of exhaustion and weakness after I finished, but having Hide thrusting eagerly into me kept me from giving in just yet.

As Hide finished, I felt him pulsing within me as his weariness caught up with him. He collapsed next to me, although aware enough to avoid falling on my left arm.

"How do you feel?" he asked as he leaned in to kiss me on the lips gently. "I wasn't too rough with you, was I?"

"No, it felt amazing. I've never experienced something like that before. I'm lucky to share this moment with you, Hide." I slid closer to him and rested my head against his shoulder while he draped his arm across me.

"We're both lucky then. You're precious to me, Kaneki, and all I want is to stay by your side."

The warmth of his body and his words melted me as I curled up against him. I drifted off to sleep thinking it was comforting to know we both wanted the same thing.

* * *

As I woke up, I heard noises coming from the kitchen. I found Hide at the stove making breakfast.

"Good morning sunshine!" Hide said as he kissed me on the cheek before turning his attention back to the sausages and eggs that were sizzling away in the pan in front of him.

"Morning, Hide. You didn't have to get up early to cook, don't you have work today?"

"Yeah, but there's still time to eat together before I go in. I got a shower already, but you still have time before the food's done to wash if you want."

"Sure, be right back." I walked away with a smile on my face. Our first night together was something I'll never forget, but his ability to surprise me doesn't seem to have an end. The last few days have been a whirlwind of new and happy moments. As enjoyable as they've been, I can't help but think that something negative lies ahead. Maybe it just comes from spending so many years alone. Hide managed to get me to open myself up to him, which was something I never thought could happen. Maybe it's normal to feel like my good fortune is bound to run out.

I took a quick shower, not wanting to waste too much of Hide's time. I slipped into my clothes and put on my sling. He had just finished the last of the side dishes and put them on the table when I got back to the kitchen.

"Perfect timing, let's eat!"

"Thanks for the food, it's delicious today." I was starving after waking; I suppose all our activity last night had a hand in that.

Hide smiled as he ate. "You're welcome. I do have to get to work soon, but we don't have to rush. How are you feeling after last night?"

"A little sore, but overall I can't possibly complain." I didn't tell him that I had to take a pain pill when I got up to help with my left leg. It may be an injury that'll never fully heal, but I don't want him to feel like he needs to handle me as though I'll break easily. If I learned anything during our first time, it was that I enjoyed it when he gave me everything he had.

"Good, I'm glad your first experience was a positive one. I still have some food left on the stove if you want seconds."

"Oh no, I couldn't possibly eat more. You should take the rest for your lunch." I felt terrible that my cooking skills weren't quite up to par with Hide's. It would have been nice to make him a bento for him to bring to his job.

"Normally I wouldn't, but I do have a long shift today, so I'll do that."

"Ah, so I suppose you'll go home after work then."

"I don't have to if you'd rather I come back here. It is still the weekend, so we don't have to worry about school. Plus, I'm sure there's more laundry to do after the mess we made last night, so I can take care of that this evening. So yeah, I'll stay with you again if you'll have me."

I looked down at my arm, perfectly healthy yet disguised in the sling. The truth nearly escaped from my lips at that moment.

"I'm heading out," he said as he finished putting his food into a portable lunch container and wrapping it up. "I'll see you later this evening, Kaneki. Don't miss me too much!" He kissed me on the cheek as he rushed out the door.

I reached up to touch the spot where his lips had just been and knew I'd already failed his last request.

* * *

My phone's message notification went off around noon. Checking it, I saw I had a voicemail from Mado's.

_"Hey there, uh... Kaneki. This is Mr. Mado. Akira is on vacation this week, and I just saw your doctor's clearance to return to work. You'll have to come in to sign some papers before coming back to work, so I expect to see you today. Good day."_

I hadn't heard the owner's voice in some time, but I supposed that I should get there ASAP if he was the one handling things today. I decided to leave the sling behind since I was only going to fill out paperwork. I'd be back well before Hide returned, so there was no need to keep up the charade. I threw on my winter jacket and headed out to the store. My limp had gotten less exaggerated since the incident with Ayato, but it was clear now that I'd always have trouble walking normally. Still, the walk to the store was nice after spending most of the last month indoors and inactive.

Mado's looked just the same as I'd left it. I walked through the sliding doors and expected to see Mr. Mado at the front register. Instead, I saw Hide talking to a customer while bagging their groceries. My heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach as I realized that this was the reason why he kept avoiding the topic of work. He spotted me as his customer walked away, his face frozen with confusion and guilt.

In unison, we both exclaimed, "What the hell are _you_ doing here?!"


	13. Chapter 13

Hide stared at me, particularly at my left arm, which was missing the sling that I'd been wearing in front of him regularly.

"What are you doing here, Kaneki? And why don't you have your arm in the sling? You said it'd be a couple of weeks before you could take it off for good."

"Hide, I..."

Mado came out of the front office and approached us. "Ah, so you did get my message. Come on, let's get this paperwork out of the way so my daughter doesn't think I'm completely useless when I'm here."

"Y-Yes sir," I said as I cautiously walked away from Hide, who still looked puzzled, but went back to work checking out the next customer in line.

It took some time to get through all the legal papers, but once I was done, Mado let me go for the afternoon.

"As you can see, we brought in some help during your absence. The boy said he'd only stay until you got back, but considering you're only on light duty, we may as well keep him on until you're cleared for regular work. So, until that happens, you'll be staying inside with the register, and he'll take care of the carts and other strenuous jobs."

"Okay, I appreciate it, sir. See you soon."

I noticed that Hide had been relieved by one of the other cashiers when I came back out to the front of the store.

"Hi, Kaneki! How are you feeling? It's been weird not having you around here to talk to!" said Fueguchi Hinami. She was a bright and cheerful high school girl; occasionally I'd help her with her reading assignments. We both enjoyed reading Takatsuki Sen's novels, so we became friends easily. She was also friends with Touka, although I met her through work before knowing their connection to each other.

"I've been doing alright, feeling almost back to normal. I'm sorry if things have been stressful since I've been out. I'm coming back this week though!"

"That's great to hear! It wasn't that bad, just super boring. Oh, the new guy said that he wants to talk to you, he asked me to tell you to meet him in the back storeroom. Wasn't he the one that hit you? Seems a little strange that he'd want to work here, but he's been a big help."

"Okay, I guess I'll go see what he wanted. Thanks, Hinami." I took a deep breath as I walked to the back of the store. Just why would he take a job working here of all places?

I stepped through the swinging doors and saw him standing against the back wall. He looked sullen and lost in thought as I approached him.

"Have you been faking your injury all this time, Kaneki? How long have you been pretending? Why would you even do such a thing?" He looked at me, waiting for an answer with a pained expression on his face. All I could do was hang my head, the guilt I'd been feeling overwhelmed me now.

"Right after my last appointment, so nearly a week. I-I never meant to hurt you, Hide. It was just my selfishness. I believed that the only reason you were near me was because of my injuries. I thought that once they were healed, you'd leave."

I stole a glance upward and saw Hide shaking his head. Suddenly, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close.

"You idiot! I wouldn't leave you whether your wounds healed the next day or next year. I love you, dummy!"

My breath caught in my throat as he expressed his love for me, upfront and sincere. My arms that had been hanging limply at my sides embraced Hide as I started to cry.

"I-I love you too, Hide. I'm such a fool for thinking that hiding this from you was a good idea. I made your life difficult, watching you balance work, school, and time with me. Seeing you so tired made me feel so bad but thinking that I'd stop seeing you scared me more than anything!"

He brought up his hand and softly stroked the hair against the back of my head. "Shh, I understand your reasons. And I told you before that I knew my limits and hadn't reached them yet. Here," he said as he pulled out a towel from his pocket, "get yourself together and calm down. We can finish talking at your place."

* * *

I was feeling better by the time we got back to my apartment but Hide still insisted on sitting me down at the table and making some hot tea. Once it was ready, he sat down and started sipping from his cup.

"So... You were working at Mado's the whole time? Why get a job in the first place? It didn't seem like you had much need for it before."

Hide sighed, "Well, I kinda needed the job to pay the costs of the accident. I didn't want you to know because I knew you'd feel responsible. I figured I'd have it all paid off before you came back to work and would just quit before you did. When you mentioned going back to work, I avoided it because I knew if you went back you'd find out and be upset. I know I shouldn't keep things like this from you, but I was only thinking of your feelings, honest."

In comparison, his deception wasn't nearly as severe as mine was. And it wasn't as though he was wrong in his assumptions, either. I do feel guilty for all the hassle that he's had to endure because of the car accident. There was no sense in getting mad about his secret, especially since it appeared that he forgave me for mine.

"I understand. I'm not sure how much you have left to pay, but if you need it, I can help with the rest."

"See? I knew you'd react this way! Why would I want the guy I hurt to pay for his own accident?" Hide reached over the table and took my hands into his. "This is my responsibility, Kaneki. I told you I'd take care of things, and I am. Now that you're better, we can spend more of our time together _not_ doing your chores." He started to rub his thumbs against the back of my hands suggestively. His expression was seductive as he leaned in closer to kiss me.

As our lips parted, I only had one thing to ask him. "Are you still upset with me because of today?"

"Well, I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt when I realized you weren't truthful with me. But it's nothing that could make me stay mad at you. I get your reasons for doing it, and I think I've made it clear that your fears are completely unfounded. So, there's no need to keep anything from each other now, okay?"

"Yeah, I promise. I'm sorry again for earlier."

Hide stood up and took my hand, leading me up and out of my seat as well. He cradled my head with one arm and rested the other against the small of my back, pulling me close.

"Don't apologize to me so much, Kaneki. I should be the one asking for your forgiveness every day." I laid my head against his chest, sensing the beat of his heart against my cheek. His presence soothed my anxiety over the day's events. We stayed like that, holding each other close, for a while. Finally, Hide took a step back and yawned.

"You must be tired; I should let you get some sleep," I said as I started to walk away. Hide's hand wrapped around my wrist and tugged me back against him. Now behind me, he hung one arm across my chest and the other low against my stomach. He massaged his hands across my body as he dug his chin into the crook of my neck.

"I am a little sleepy, but I can think of one way to unwind after a long day." He slid his fingers down and ran them back and forth between the waistband of my pants and the sensitive skin it rested on.

I let him lead me back to my room, where we put all our energy into satisfying each other's needs and desires. By the end, we were both sleeping soundly in each other's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Hinami was a good fit here as Kaneki's friend at work. This was still during the time when I didn't intend to have Ghouls be part of the story.


	14. Chapter 14

In the weeks that followed since our secrets came out, it felt like I was getting closer to Hide. No longer worried about him leaving, I was less cautious around him. He spent more time at my place than he did at his own since I lived closer to both work and school. If there was anything to worry about, it could have been that we saw a little too much of each other now. We'd leave for school together, and our schedules were close to identical at Mado's since he was fulfilling the physically demanding work that I wasn't cleared to do yet. It was like they had split the one job up between the two of us, an interesting parallel to the way I felt about our relationship. His extroverted personality paired surprisingly well with the introvert I considered myself to be, creating one well-balanced couple, at least in my eyes.

I had another week or so before I was cleared for regular work again. Hide told me that he planned to stop working once that happened, but the other co-workers and our customers had grown to like him. It wouldn't surprise me if they asked him to stay for good.

"Hey Kaneki, have you seen my other work shirt? I could have sworn it was in with that last load of clothes, but I can't find it," Hide asked as he stuck his head out of the bathroom door. He'd just finished taking a shower; his skin still damp as he leaned further out of the doorway. Thoughts of getting him dirty again crossed my mind, but I knew we'd be late for work if I acted on them.

I slowly walked over to the couch and unearthed his shirt from between the couch cushions. My hip still gave me trouble, but since I'd been back at work, the added exercise has been helping to strengthen it. I doubt it would cure my limp, but at least it could help me keep up with others.

"You left it in the couch again," I said as I handed it to him, taking a good look at his body before he covered it up for the day.

"My hero! You always know just where everything is, that could totally be a superpower, you know," Hide said as he kissed me lightly on the cheek.

"It doesn't take a special ability to remember where you took your shirt off, especially since I was sitting in your lap when it happened."

Hide raised an eyebrow and shrugged, "I suppose, but how can you expect me to remember where I put my clothes when I had my attention on you? Or maybe I was boring you to the point you had to focus on how we were pushing this shirt further into the couch?" He pulled the shirt over his head and smoothed it down.

Even though we had shared ourselves with each other many times, I couldn't help but blush when such talk came up. I knew he was enjoying seeing me like this now. "I was far from bored, Hide. I'm just good at multitasking, that's all."

"It's a shame we have to go to work, or I'd see if that was true. Maybe later you can prove it to me." Hide pulled me close and leaned in for a kiss, which I gladly offered. I didn't think I'd grow so dependent on physical contact, but each kiss only made me crave another. To be honest, it wouldn't be the first time we were late for school or work because we couldn't break free of each other.

Hide managed the willpower to pull away, but not without letting out a deep sigh. "Ah, Kaneki. We'll finish this later."

"I'll hold you to that, Hide."

* * *

Since I was strictly forbidden from doing anything other than ringing up customers, Hide was left with more to do throughout the day, so I only saw him at random times. He never looked bothered by the work and kept a smile on his face. I still got happy whenever he was around, not much different from before the accident. Only now I didn't have to wonder who he was making dinner for, or who was lucky enough to be dating him. I knew the answers to those questions now.

Hide jogged past my register on his way to the front doors, "I'm going out for carts!"

"Grab your jacket, it's still cold outside," I said, although he was already out the door before I finished speaking. "You're so reckless, Hide! Don't expect me to baby you if you catch a cold." I said this even though I'd no doubt do just that if he were to get sick.

Several customers came through, keeping me busy with their orders. Before I knew it, Hinami had come in to relieve me for my break.

"I'm sure you're ready to go, Kaneki. Oh, tell Hide that he shouldn't be spending his work time talking to his friend."

As I put on my jacket and grabbed Hide's from the rack, I looked back at Hinami. "What do you mean? What friend?"

"He was out in the lot when I was walking in, talking to some older guy in a super crazy suit. It's not my business, but I know there were a lot of carts outside. He could have asked his friend to wait until he finished taking them in if they wanted to keep talking. Just let him know, I'd hate to see him get in trouble."

_A crazy suit? Who would he know with a..._

_Oh. Tsukiyama._

"I-I will, thanks, Hinami." My stomach sank; it had been several months since the incident with Tsukiyama in the club. The way he took advantage of my vulnerable state at the time sickened me. I hadn't forgotten what he had said to me about Hide and the car accident. But considering his actions, I didn't find it to be credible enough to worry about anymore. He obviously had a history with Hide, but I was trying to focus on the present with him, so I avoided asking about his past. Unfortunately, the man I saw talking to Hide wasn't willing to let the past go.

As I approached, their conversation had turned into a heated argument. It made me nervous to get closer to Tsukiyama, but I couldn't let Hide deal with him alone either.

"What's going on?"

The two men looked at each other, while Hide eventually looked down at the ground, Tsukiyama grinned from ear to ear.

"Well, I suppose this is a fitting place to come clean, Hide. The scene of the crime."

Puzzled by Tsukiyama's random statement, I asked, "What's he talking about, Hide?"

Hide just kept his eyes on the ground, looking shaken and upset. "I don't want to do this here, Tsukiyama. This isn't the way I wanted him to find out."

"Find out about what, Hide?" I was started to grow more nervous. I hadn't seen Hide like this since that night at the club. Hide isn't intimidated easily, but something Tsukiyama said had him scared.

"He wanted to hit you, Kaneki. He purposely waited out in this parking lot until you came outside so he could run you down!"

"What? That's ridiculous. He told me what happened. Right, Hide?"

"Didn't I tell you before that there was more to the accident than what Hide revealed to you? He planned to hit you with his car!"

His voice was irritating me now, which encouraged me to raise my own as I replied, "And how do you know?!"

"Because I was out here that night and watched him do it. Hide and I have a long history as I'm sure you guessed by our actions at the club. You see, Hide stole someone very precious to me once. I've made a point to steal or destroy anyone or anything he considers precious as a result. I found it odd that even though he doesn't live anywhere near this store that he'd stop here several times a week. It didn't take long to make the connection that it wasn't groceries he was here for, but someone. All I had to do was keep an eye on him to figure out who it was. I didn't expect him to consider vehicular assault as a way to break the ice with you though!"

"No, you're lying! Hide would never do something like that! Hide, tell him he's wrong!" His continued silence had me confused. "Why aren't you saying anything, Hide?!"

"Because it's true. I never intended to hit you as hard as I did, that really was an accident. I just planned to scare you a little bit. I just... I tried so many times to get your attention and you just never noticed! I thought that maybe if I did this stupid thing, it'd at least get a conversation going, and maybe lead to something more. I got distracted, someone was blowing their horn or something and I hit the gas instead of the brake. I've felt so guilty since then, Kaneki. My stupid attempt to get you to notice me turned into one of the worst days of your life."

I was completely speechless. My arms fell to my sides, Hide's jacket fell to the ground. My emotions were so scrambled that all I could think to do was limp away towards home.

"Kaneki! I'm sorry, but please don't go!" Hide begged, his voice trembling as he started to cry.

"I... I can't do this. Not right now. Tell Miss Akira I went home sick. Don't follow me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Domestic Kaneki and Hide are just too sweet together.
> 
> -I knew that I didn't want Hide to only just be hiding working at Mado's from Kaneki. Making his accident intentional was the way I saw damaging Kaneki's trust in Hide enough to cause a rift between them.


	15. Chapter 15

The last few days went by as a blur to me. I called out of work, using my leg as the excuse. Didn't bother going to school, either. I just wanted to avoid as much of the outside world as possible, because everything in it reminded me of Hide. I couldn't escape his presence within my apartment either, since he had been unofficially living here until recently.

When I got home that day, all I could do was curl up in bed and try to process what I'd learned. Hide intended to strike me with his car that day. How could he have gone so long keeping that secret? I believed there were no more secrets between us since I'd found him working at Mado's. We had worked through that so well; I'd come to trust him so completely. To find out that our entire relationship was built upon one lie crushed me. How could I look him in the eye and believe anything he said after this? While trying to sort through these emotions, I ignored the fact that I hadn't eaten in nearly two days. I felt weak, which lead to me spending more time in bed. I was broken, nothing more to it than that. And I wasn't sure how to fix myself, or if I even wanted to be fixed.

Hide had listened when I said not to follow me. He called and left messages and texts but respected my request to leave me be. My voicemail was full now, but I didn't bother to listen to them. Hearing his voice right now would only hurt more. His texts were repeated apologies and requests to talk in person to better explain himself. I didn't reply because I felt there was nothing left to say.

As I got up to use the bathroom, I felt the soreness in my hip deepen. As I opened the medicine cabinet to take out my pain pills, I noticed my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were red and swollen from crying, which made my face look paler in comparison.

I wondered if Hide felt as bad as I looked right now. Deep inside, I hoped it wasn't so, that he wasn't miserable without me. My mother used to tell me, "Instead of a person who hurts others, become the person who gets hurt. It is okay if you lose because of your love and kindness. Ken, a kind person only needs those things in order to be happy." Even now, I wanted to be the only one hurt by this. I was such a fool.

As I was about to take the pills, I realized that I hadn't eaten anything. I made the mistake once of taking them on an empty stomach. As shitty as I felt, having that reaction on top of it just wasn't something I wanted to experience right now. I didn't see anything worth eating when I checked my fridge. I knew I'd have to step outside eventually, may as well do it now. I resolved to treat myself to a hamburger from the closest store to my place. The pain in my hip worsened, but at least I was feeling _something_.

I ravaged the burger and took the pills before I even got back to my building. I'd bought extras for later, although it was only out of the desire to not have to leave again. As I got to my floor, I met Touka in the hallway. I kept my head down towards the ground, hoping she wouldn't notice my appearance.

"Kaneki, you look like shit, what's going on with you?"

I paused on my walk back, my head hung low, "It's nothing. See you around, Touka."

"Bullshit!" she said as she blocked my path back to my apartment. "Start talking, or I'm gonna make you look even worse."

Knowing there was no getting past her, I sighed and began explaining my situation. I told her about the last day I'd seen Hide, where Tsukiyama revealed Hide's big secret about the car accident. Touka looked shocked when I said it wasn't an accident but a deliberate plan that Hide had thought up.

"That was stupid of him, so is that why I haven't seen him coming or going lately?"

I nodded, "I told him not to follow me back here. I'm so confused; it's like everything I thought I knew and felt for Hide is nothing but lies now."

"Not really, Kaneki. Think about it. Here's this guy that wanted to know you better, but you were too damn shy or dense to see it. He doesn't want to give up on you, but he's desperate to find a way to get through to you. Men aren't always logical when it comes to stuff like romance and love. He had this silly idea to get you to notice him and completely screwed it up. Yeah, he's a moron for doing something so potentially dangerous, but that doesn't nullify the fact that he liked you from the very beginning. You're a great guy, Kaneki. He recognized that about you and did all he could to help you see it, too. You're more confident now, and I know he's the reason for that. Finding this out is understandably confusing, but it doesn't mean he's not sincere. So, don't screw up this amazing thing the two of you have because you're afraid. He loves you, genuinely, and you don't find that often."

As usual, Touka comes through with solid advice. "You're right, how is it so easy for you to see all that but not me?"

"Like I said, men suck at being perceptive about romance. So just take some time for yourself, get out and do something other than sulking in your room, then have a long talk with him. This isn't the end of the world, Kaneki, at least he didn't cheat on you."

"Well, when you put it that way, I suppose there could have been worse things to happen. Thank you, Touka. I really needed to hear what you had to say; I'm grateful to have you as a friend."

"You were my main support when I decided to move out instead of staying with my folks for school. I don't think I would have stayed as committed to my classes or found my career choice if you hadn't helped me. So, don't worry about it, you helped me get my school life in order, so helping with your love life is only fair. I know it won't be easy for you to face him but use the confidence he inspired in you to get through it. Take care and let me know how it goes, okay?"

"Sure thing, see you later."

* * *

It took me three days after my impromptu conversation with Touka to contact Hide. I had called work to tell them I'd be coming back and found out that Hide had resigned the day I walked off. My chest felt heavy with the thought that he wouldn't be there anymore, but I didn't let it shake my nerve. I sent him a message asking to meet at my apartment that night. He immediately replied saying that he'd be there. I went to work after that, taking Touka's advice to avoid hiding away in my room and get outside. I grew more nervous the closer it got to my time to go home. I spent most of my shift rehearsing in my mind just what I wanted to tell Hide tonight.

As I walked home, I noticed the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee coming from Anteiku, a small cafe halfway between the store and home. I was familiar with it since Touka had taken a part-time job there over the summer and still went in when she had spare time between classes. Looking at my phone, I saw I had time before I told Hide I'd be home, so I stepped inside. A good cup of coffee and some reading would help soothe this anxiety.

Behind the counter stood my doctor, Yoshimura, dressed not in his physician's coat and scrubs, but a pin-striped vest and apron.

"Dr. Yoshimura! I wasn't expecting to see you here, at least not behind the counter."

"Ah, Kaneki, it's good to see you well. Yes, I've been the owner of this little shop for quite some time, although until recently, my involvement was mainly behind the scenes. I've partially retired from the hospital now, so I have more time to spend in the shop. Something is satisfying about making a well-brewed cup of coffee, wouldn't you agree? Please have a seat, and I'll bring you one."

"Thank you, sir." I settled down at one of the smaller tables with two seats. I remembered the last time I was here. Hide had been sitting across from me, drinking an iced coffee with far more sugar in it than coffee. The memory triggered a smile on my face but soon faded as I stared at the empty seat. I took out the latest Takatsuki book from my bag and opened it up to where I left off. Yoshimura returned with my coffee, thanked me for visiting and excused himself so I could get back to my story.

A flash of color caught my eye and brought my focus away from the page. A young lady with long flowing violet hair had walked past me to take a seat nearby. What kept my attention on her wasn't the hue of her hair, but the fact that she had the same book that I was currently reading. Takatsuki was a well-known author, but it was rare that I saw other fans of her work. I watched her for a short time as she opened her book and began reading. Our eyes met, and I quickly looked away, hoping that I didn't come off as a creep or stalker. I buried my face in my book and tried to avoid her distraction again.

Suddenly, I felt a finger tap me on the shoulder. I looked up to see the girl staring down at me with a smile on her face.

"I'm sorry for interrupting, but I couldn't help but notice your book. Are you a fan of Takatsuki Sen?"

"U-Uh, yes, I am, she's my favorite author!"

"How delightful! I don't meet many people that share the same reading tastes as I do. My name is Kamishiro Rize. And you are?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -I didn't want to have the Anteiku setting without Yoshimura in it, so I had him "partially retire" from the hospital.
> 
> -And here's where I changed my mind about including Ghouls in this story.


	16. Chapter 16

"I'm Kaneki Ken. It's nice to meet another fan of Takatsuki's work. Are you enjoying the book, Ms. Kamishiro?"

She eyed the empty seat across from me, waiting for permission to join me at the table. I gestured for her to sit, and she did so before answering.

"You don't have to be so formal; please, call me Rize. I think it's one of her more unique stories. Don't get me wrong, I loved her earlier works, but this one speaks to me in a way the others haven't. What about you, which one is your favorite?"

"Hmm... I'd have to say her debut novel. It's hard to forget the way reading her first story made me feel. I guess she speaks to her readers in different ways, eh?" It was strange how easy it was to talk to her. I suppose having a common interest like a favorite author helped to break the ice.

"First experiences do tend to be the most memorable. Say, Kaneki. If I'm too forward, please say so, but I couldn't help but notice you as I came in. Would it be rude of me to ask why you were looking so sad earlier?"

I didn't think I was openly showing how I felt; she must be very perceptive. "Oh, no it's fine. I just... My partner and I are going through some difficult times right now, and we haven't seen each other lately."

"Do you miss them?"

"Well, yes, I do. But the situation is complicated."

Rize stared at me for a moment, then smiled. "Well if you miss them and they miss you, then the details will work themselves out eventually. What matters most is that you two care about each other. I'm guessing this is your first love?"

"Y-Yes," I replied as I shyly glanced away.

"I thought so. It seems fitting since we were speaking about first experiences before. They must have made a memorable impression on you or else you wouldn't be so upset about your separation. Talk to them; it could be a big misunderstanding."

"Oh, I'm meeting him in a little while to do that. Oh!" I can't believe I let it slip that my partner was another man. I waited for her to respond with a look of disgust, but all she did was smile.

"That's great! I hope you and he can manage to work through whatever is causing this rift between the two of you guys."

She didn't acknowledge it, but was she paying attention, or does it not matter to her? Either way, it was nice to have someone besides Touka showing their support.

"I appreciate the encouragement. I'll be sure to do all I can to work it out." She smiled again, the act was infectious and caused me to develop a slight grin myself.

"I hope you two work it out. You look better when you're smiling, Kaneki."

"Oh, well, thanks, I guess," I said, feeling awkward that the subject of our conversation shifted to my face. Despite all that, talking with Rize did lighten my mood and give me some much-needed encouragement. She glanced down at the watch on her wrist and frowned.

"I should probably get going. I'm sure I've taken up enough of your time. Good luck!"

"It's not a problem, Rize. I enjoyed talking with you. Maybe we can meet and talk about Takatsuki novels again soon."

"I'd like that, Kaneki," she said as she rose from her chair and gathered her belongings. Her expression seemed troubled even though she was smiling. "I hate to ask, especially since you've got your own issues to work out. But would you mind walking me home? My neighborhood is close to where all those Ghoul attacks have been occurring lately. It makes me nervous when I go home by myself in the evenings. I completely understand if you can't, though!" Her eyes pooled with tears as she admitted her fear to me. How could I possibly refuse to help her after hearing that?

"O-Of course I can! I'm not far from that area myself, so it's not an inconvenience at all. You've been so friendly; it's the least I can do."

She let out a sigh of relief and grinned once more. I slid my book into my bag and finished my drink before we stepped out of Anteiku together.

As we walked, we continued discussing Takatsuki's works and even made plans to meet at the coffee shop again once her new novel was released. We were getting further from the main roads, gradually meeting fewer people on the sidewalks. I can understand why she'd want someone to escort her home, it's dangerous for a young woman like her to be alone at night like this, even if Ghouls weren't a factor. During a lull in our conversation, I thought I heard something behind us and quickly turned around to look.

"What is it, Kaneki?"

Not seeing anything obviously amiss, I just shook my head, "I thought I heard a noise, like footsteps that weren't ours. Do you think someone's following us?"

"These alleys are narrow; it could have just been an echo that you heard. We should keep going, my place isn't far now."

It made sense, but I still couldn't help but feel there was someone or something watching us. I caught back up to Rize, and we continued on our way. She came to a stop near the entrance to a construction site and turned to face me.

"This is far enough. I appreciate you taking the time to help me get home safely." She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me in a light embrace, her mouth hovering above my left ear.

"You're a nice person Kaneki. I almost feel sorry for your lover. You shouldn't have waited so long to resolve your problems. Now he'll never know what became of you!"

Before I could react to her strange comment, she bit down hard on my shoulder. The pain radiated down my left arm as I felt her teeth tugging against the stringy flesh she had exposed. I fell backward as she pulled the chunk of meat off my body. Standing before me was no longer the passionate literature fan I was talking to before, but some monstrous nightmare. Her purple eyes changed to a deep black with red streaks spreading out from the iris. Her mouth dripped with blood. My blood. She used her delicate fingers to swipe it back into her mouth, savoring the flavor as she sucked it off each digit.

"Are you surprised, Kaneki? You look like you're at a loss for words right now. It's okay; there isn't a need for talking anymore. Now it's time to feed."

"Nggh ahh! What is this, no no no!" I screamed out as I fumbled back and struggled to get on my feet. Holding my right hand against my exposed shoulder, I started backing away from her. "This can't be happening!"

"Oh, it's very real, Kaneki. You should have been more concerned for your own safety over some girl you just met. Kindness is just another weakness for me to exploit."

She leaned over as four blood-red tendrils burst forth from her lower back, each of them tapered and sharp at the ends.

"I'm guessing you've never seen a Ghoul's kagune up close. They're a beautiful thing to behold, right? They make my hunting and feeding even more satisfying. Penetrating a man with them makes me feel such ecstasy. Perhaps you'll see it before you die!"

The largest kagune arm sharpened and began to hurtle towards me.

_This is it, I can't dodge this. I'll die here, alone. Hide won't even know what happened to me. All I wanted was to hold him again._

I closed my eyes and waited for the end. A piercing scream filled the night air. I opened my eyes to see that it was Hide making that guttural cry. He ran toward me and rammed his shoulder into me, knocking me clear of the kagune. I hit my head on the ground hard after stumbling backward into some nearby construction equipment. My vision doubled as I saw Rize approach Hide, who had been impaled by the kagune she had sent after me. She held him up like he was a puppet on a stick, waving him from side to side as she got a closer look at him.

"You must be Kaneki's lover. It's faint, but I still smell him on you. Such a foolish act of sacrifice for the sake of love. I suspected it was you following us. I certainly won't mind a second course tonight, especially one that came to me so willingly. At least you can have the peace of mind that you'll die together. Perhaps it'll make finding each other in your next lives a little easier."

As the pain in my head got worse, I reached a hand out towards Hide. The darkness of my own mind consumed me once again, just like the night of the accident. As everything faded to black, I heard metal clanking together. Before I passed out, I felt the ground tremble around me. Dirt and grit stung my face from whatever had just hit the ground with such a deadly impact.


	17. Chapter 17

As I regained consciousness, I found myself in a hospital room. I sat up on the bed and felt a shock of pain from my shoulder. There was a knock on the door before it opened to reveal Dr. Yoshimura.

"You know, I'd rather we see each other at Anteiku over a nice cup of coffee instead of this hospital, Kaneki. How are you feeling?"

"Hello, sir. My shoulder hurts, but other than that..."

"Yes, the bite wound wasn't too severe. Since some of the muscle is gone, you'll notice some weakness when using your left arm for any lifting, but with therapy, it won't be much of a handicap for you. You took another nasty bump to the head as well, though this concussion wasn't as serious as before. Considering the scene, you're fortunate to only have the injuries you received."

"The scene?"

"Yes, the construction site where you were found had an accident. Some steel beams that were stored on the upper levels fell. You were found clear of the wreckage, but-"

"Hide. What happened to Hide?!"

"Your friend's injuries were considerably more serious, as he was closer to where the beams fell. The new ER surgeon Dr. Kanou handled him when the two of you arrived. I heard he's in recovery now, still critical but alive. The lady that was found with you was directly hit and didn't make it. Even though he's new, Kanou was bold enough to make the call to use her organs to save your friend's life. Whether it was the ethically right choice remains to be seen. But since we've had no way of identifying her or contacting her next of kin, the hospital isn't pushing the issue just yet."

He's alive. That's all that matters to me right now. "Thank you, sir, for everything."

"Get some rest, Kaneki. Something tells me you'll need it."

He stepped out of the room and closed the door. I leaned against the hospital bed and stared up at the ceiling. Rize didn't make it through that ordeal, and Hide was barely hanging on. And here I was with hardly a scratch, all because he pushed me out of the way. I watched her run that monstrous tendril through his stomach and fling him around like a plaything. By all rights, it should have been me suffering now, not Hide. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought of our last meeting and how I walked off without giving him a chance to explain. I could lose him now, and the last thing he'd remember was me turning my back on him. I laid there and silently wept until sleep came for me once more.

* * *

"Here are some extra bandages, remember to change them at least twice a day. And no skipping the cleansing agent, Kaneki. I know it stings, but it's necessary to avoid infection," said the nurse as she prepared me for my hospital release.

"I won't, thank you for all your help."

I stepped through the doors of the ward I'd been in and immediately made my way to the Intensive Care Unit. Dr. Yoshimura said that visitors weren't allowed in the ICU but considering the situation, he'd allow an exception. My nerves had me trembling as I walked up to the counter and introduced myself and who I was there to see. Once I was given a room number, I continued on my way.

Standing at the door to his room, I grasped the handle and hesitated in opening it. Considering the way things were left between us, did I have any right to face him right now? He's in this room because of me, I should be the last person he'd want to visit him. Despite those depressing thoughts, I couldn't come this close and turn away now. I opened the door and stepped inside.

"H-Hide, it's me." My voice didn't carry well over the sounds of the machines in the room. I was unable to identify their function but just knew that they were keeping Hide alive. He was lying flat on his back in a bed surrounded by tubes and wires. A large bandage wrapped around his stomach in the area where Rize had impaled him. Bruises and cuts were scattered across his skin. He was still unconscious and didn't respond to my call. His breath was shallow and hesitant through the oxygen mask that covered most of his face.

Despite this, he was still beautiful to me. I started to cry again as I sat down at his side and took his limp hand into mine.

"It's my fault you're hurt this time. I'm sorry for all of this! But... I'll take care of you, just like you did for me. I'm sorry I hesitated so long to talk to you. This could have been avoided if I hadn't walked away from you that day. I swear that I'll make it up to you somehow, Hide."

It may have been my imagination, but I could have sworn I felt his hand grip mine at that moment. There was no other sign or response, but it brought a smile to my face to believe that he had heard me.

* * *

"I heard he woke up; can I see him now?" I said as I rushed up to the ICU counter once again. It had been over a week since I'd been discharged. I visited with Hide every day since then. Today I was woken up by a call from the nurse on duty who told me Hide had opened his eyes.

"Now isn't a good time, Kaneki. I'm sorry you came all the way here, but he needs his rest right now."

"O-Oh, yeah, it's... I understand. Could you let him know I was here to see him?"

"Certainly, dear."

And so this was how each day went since Hide came back to us. I'd go to see him only to be turned away each time. The nurses felt terrible for doing so, but I know they must honor the requests of their patients before anyone else. If Hide wasn't feeling well enough to see anyone, then I had to respect that.

I found out Hide was discharged three weeks after the accident happened. I immediately sent him texts and tried calling him as well but didn't get any replies. At first, I figured he needed time to adjust to being out of the hospital. But eventually, my thoughts drifted to him just not wanting anything to do with me anymore. Which honestly wouldn't be crazy considering this was my fault in the first place. I did swear to care for him as he did after my accident, and I wasn't going to let myself give up on that promise so quickly.

After being ignored for nearly a week, I decided it was time to face him. I gathered the courage and went to Hide's apartment. He'd brought me there a few times while we were dating. It was in a decent neighborhood, but it was further from the school and Mado's than my place, so he had been considering letting it go and moving in with me. The incident with Tsukiyama in the parking lot happened before he moved, however. I lightly knocked on his door and waited for a reply. After waiting long enough, I knocked again with more urgency this time.

"Hide? It's me; please answer me if you're in there!" I knocked more heavily now, not concerned with who else I may be annoying in the process.

"Just leave," Hide said through the door. I stopped and stared at it as if I could see him on the other side. This is the closest we'd been in weeks, and he wanted me to go?

"I'm sorry, Hide, but I can't do that. There's so much that I need to say to you. Please just give me the chance to tell you—"

"It's not necessary, but you have to leave now. Please." Despite his voice being muffled by the door, I could hear the pain in it as he spoke.

"I can't! I almost lost you, Hide, and it was all my fault!" I started sobbing as I rested my forehead against his door. "I was there, every day, while you were in the hospital. I-I held your hand just like you held mine, too. Even after you woke up and refused to see anyone I still showed up, just in case you were feeling well enough to have visitors. It should have been me! Why did you..." I couldn't keep talking, my throat choked up as I cried and softly beat my hand against the door.

"Step back." I felt vibrations through the door where Hide must have been turning the lock. I stepped away and allowed him to open it.

"H-Hide..."

Standing in front of me wasn't the Hide I recognized. He wore a white eyepatch over his left eye. His other eye looked sunken in, with a dark shadow underneath. His cheeks seemed hollow and his skin pale. He'd gotten thinner and so sickly since I last saw him in the hospital.

"What happened to you? You look so... Have you been eating well?"

Hide's brow furrowed, and he looked away, obviously upset about what I'd said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that I didn't expect—"

"You shouldn't have come to see me, Kaneki. And I shouldn't have let you in." He turned away from me, hiding tears that I didn't have to see to know were gathering in his eyes. "It's just not safe for you to be near me anymore. So, go, please."


	18. Chapter 18

I stepped into his apartment and closed the door behind me. "Danger? What danger are you talking about? If you're talking about the accident with the car, that doesn't matter to me anymore!"

"It has nothing to do with that. If you can find a way to trust me without proof, believe me when I say that you won't be safe around me." Hide tried to meet my eyes but couldn't. His tears fell as he did all he could to push me away without touching me. "If I tell you I don't love you, will you leave? Because I... I don't care for you. I don't want you anymore."

"You don't mean that! You're just trying to say whatever you think will hurt enough to make me leave you alone. And after everything I've been through, you think that would hurt me?"

"You don't understand, and I'm not sure what I could say or do to get through to you!"

"I want to understand! I don't want you to have to deal with whatever problems you're facing on your own, Hide! You can't just awaken this love I have for you and expect me to abandon you when there's trouble."

"But... You're the problem, Kaneki," Hide said as he broke down and wept. "The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you but having you this close to me is making it difficult to avoid that. At least if I send you away, I'll know you'll be safe."

"Why is it that bad for me to be near you? I can see it in your eyes that your feelings for me haven't changed. Is it because bad things keep happening with us? The car accident and the attack from that Ghoul? Don't push me away because of that. You were there for me when I needed you. I couldn't live with myself if I let you go through this alone. It's breaking my heart seeing the condition you're in now! Please let me help you, Hide. Let me help you get better." I stepped closer and cupped his face in my hands, stroking his cheeks with my thumbs.

"Kaneki..." He began to sob uncontrollably as he pulled me against him. I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back as he let out all his pain and sadness. As he started to calm down, I brushed my lips across his face until they met his and kissed him deeply. It had been so long since we'd been this close, I couldn't help myself. He hesitated at first, then gave in and ran his hands under my shirt. His fingers were soothing as they glided up my back. He encountered the bandages that covered the wound on my shoulder and stopped.

"What's this?"

"From the accident, where she bit me. It's almost healed and it doesn't hurt, so don't worry." I moved my hands to the front of his pants as he pulled off my shirt. He stared at my shoulder, then slowly peeled off the bandage.

"Hide, it's alright, you don't have to look."

"The smell, it's too tempting!" Hide started to lick the wound, lightly at first but becoming more frantic. He pushed me against the wall as he scoured his tongue against the old bite wound.

"What are you doing?!" I tried to push his face away, but he held my hands down as he continued. The wound opened again from the friction Hide was causing. I could feel the blood beading up through the open cracks. Hide had started sucking against my collarbone, his breath erratic.

"Nggh, Hide..." I whimpered as he aggressively ravaged the crease of my neck. As strange as his behavior was, it was extremely erotic.

As the blood began to trickle down, he lapped it up and started sucking it straight from the source. I tried to get away, but his strength was incredible. As he pressed himself against me, I could feel he'd become as hard as I was right now.

"Mmm, Kaneki. I need- I just need a small taste!"

He let go of my hands but pulled me away from the wall, dragging me across the room to his bed. He dropped me onto it and climbed on top of me. Light red smears streaked across his chin and mouth. I reached my hands out to keep him away from my shoulder, swiping blindly in front of me. "Please, Hide, wait!"

One of my fingers caught the band of Hide's eyepatch and pulled it off, where it dropped to the bed next to me. This brought Hide to a stop as he looked down at me in shock. The eye that had been covered up until now was deep black with a brilliant red iris. Just like Rize's eyes.

"Your eye!" I reached my hand up towards his face to touch where the red veins ran across his skin, but he jumped away before I could make contact. He rubbed his hand across his mouth, wiping away most of the blood that was there. As I sat up on the bed, he backed away until his back hit the wall.

"I-I never wanted you to see this. I told myself I'd stay away from you. That it was the only way to keep you safe. But I'm not strong enough to do that and now look what I've done!" He covered his face with his hands and started crying again. "I can't control myself near you, Kaneki. I tried my best, but it's just not going to work. I can't fight the monster I've become."

"Hide..." I stood up to get closer to him. Knowing this, he rushed to the door.

"I'm so sorry, Kaneki," was what he said as he opened the door and bolted away into the night.

Throwing my shirt back on, I followed him outside. He had the advantage since running wasn't possible for me anymore. But I couldn't just stand there and let him leave. I saw him ahead of me on the sidewalk when a car suddenly swerved over to the curb ahead of him. A large man exited the vehicle and approached Hide. I was too far away to get a good look, but he was very muscular. He grabbed Hide around his throat with one of his massive hands and used the other to open the car door. As if he weighed nothing, he casually tossed him into the car and shut the door.

"Hide!" I yelled as loud as I could as I desperately tried to move faster. The man looked my way before ducking back into the car. "No, don't leave with him!" I was close enough to make out the type of car and plate number before it took off. Pain from my hip coupled by the slow throbbing in my shoulder brought me to my knees in the middle of the deserted sidewalk. I slammed both fists against the ground as I cried out in anguish. Who would kidnap someone blindly off the street like that? I can't imagine what that person could be thinking of doing to him. Now wasn't the time for 'what ifs,' though. It was time for action. I struggled to my feet and slowly went in the direction of that car.

Limping slowly, I knew the car had long since gotten too far from me, but I refused to stop. The pain in my side had grown worse; each movement aggravated my old injury. The familiar scent of coffee drifted through the air as I realized I was passing by Anteiku. The door opened, and I saw Dr. Yoshimura step outside. He caught up to me and asked me to stop.

"Kaneki, I think you should take a rest inside. There are some things that I feel should be explained to you now."

"But sir, my friend Hide, he was just-"

"I'm aware of what happened to him; I have people following them right now. So please, join me inside."

Reluctantly I went inside and took a seat at the nearest table. The pain in my hip had grown significantly. I pulled some pain pills out of my pocket and placed them in front of me. Yoshimura returned with a glass of water and two cups of coffee and placed them on the table. I took the pills and chased them with several gulps of water. My hands were trembling as I shakily set the glass down and stared at the coffee cup.

"It's alright Kaneki; there's no need to be worried. You're among friends here. I hadn't intended to get you involved in this part of our world, but recent events seem to necessitate the need to let you in. I know you care about Hide, so I believe we can trust you with this important secret."

Yoshimura smiled at me, and in one blink, his eyes changed from their usual look to the black and red I had seen with Rize and Hide.

"Sir, what is going on with your eyes? They look like..."

"We're Ghouls, Kaneki. The change in our eyes is specific to those of us who are Ghoul by nature. Like I said before, there's no need for you to fear us. Anteiku is known as a Ghoul haven that shelters those that need assistance. And right now, I know your friend Hide needs our help."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -"And after everything I've been through, you think that would hurt me?" Reference to a quote Kaneki says during his fight with Jason in the anime/manga.


	19. Chapter 19

"A haven for Ghouls?"

"Yes, many aren't capable of attaining food on their own, so we help by providing it for them. You've only recently been hearing about Ghoul attacks, right? Our kind has existed for quite some time without bringing much attention to ourselves. But just as you humans have individuals that act out with violence, we also have rogues that don't prefer the peaceful way things have been."

This was all very overwhelming. Before now I'd only considered Ghouls to be some random thing you hear about on the news or in random conversation. We were aware of their existence, but it was nearly impossible to distinguish one from a human. I suppose they've done well to blend into society. But even so, their only source of food is human flesh. How could they blend in when they were hiding among their food supply?

"Sir, if I may ask, you said that you provide Ghouls with food. How do you do that when it requires killing people?"

"Ghouls have managed to work out several ways to survive without interrupting the human's sense of comfort. For one, there are those that volunteer to give up their bodies after death, similar to organ donation. I wanted to enter the medical field to protect life. Both human and Ghoul. I worked out a deal with the hospital to allow any amputated limbs or unidentified corpses to be released to our care. Lastly, our saddest and most unfortunate source comes from those who decide to take their own lives. Suicide victims that leave no family behind or last requests. Our organization forbids anyone in our ward from preying upon humans since there are several non-violent options available to us now."

"People willingly volunteer like that?" I asked as I rubbed the sore spot on my shoulder. Blood had seeped through my shirt earlier, but it had dried now.

Yoshimura nodded, "As the population grows, the amount of land doesn't grow with it. Many find it to be cheaper and more convenient than a normal burial. The bodies are all treated with respect and reverence, of course. We don't take for granted what is given to us. It wasn't always this peaceful; it took many years to achieve this balance between our two species. But with the rise of these random attacks, I fear that they may cause this balance to fail. And if that happens, the humans will wish to retaliate against us once more. Which is why we're going to stop the rogue Ghoul that kidnapped your friend."

"Who is he?"

"His name is Yamori. He isn't from this ward, so he isn't familiar with the way things are run here. His mind is unstable, and he has a thirst for violence and pain. I know you want to get Hide back, but this individual is not someone you can confront and expect a rational discussion."

My concern for Hide only grew as I learned more about his captor. He had a sadistic personality and enjoyed making others hurt. Hide was already hurting, he didn't need to be treated like that as well.

"There has to be something I can do, sir. I just can't sit idly by and—"

The door to the shop opened and in rushed a figure in a dark blue cloak.

"We managed to follow him to the warehouse district, sir. To avoid being noticed we — Kaneki, what the hell are you doing here?!" They pulled back the hood to reveal themselves.

"Touka?!"

She looked from me to Dr. Yoshimura. "What is he doing here, sir? I thought we weren't going to get him involved."

"Hide is an important person to Kaneki; it was the right thing to do to inform him of the situation. However, I want to be clear that we don't wish to pull you any further into the Ghoul world than this, Kaneki."

"With respect, sir, that's not possible anymore. If that's the world Hide must live in, then I'll be there too. I'm not going to lose him again."

Dr. Yoshimura smiled, "I knew it was wise to trust you. I must still insist on allowing us to go after Yamori on our own. Your presence would likely make it more difficult to retrieve your loved one successfully. Touka, Yomo and I will continue with our plans; thank you for tracking him. You and Kaneki should head home and get some rest."

"Yes, sir. Come on, let's get going," Touka said to me as she hung the cloak on the rack by the door.

The walk to our apartment building was slow and quiet. The pain medicine had barely taken the edge off the aching in my lower body. I didn't want to give up on finding Hide, but exhaustion was taking over fast. In our building's elevator, I leaned against the wall, tears silently streaming down my cheek.

"I was hoping you'd never find out. About us being Ghouls."

Touka's statement took me by surprise and grabbed my attention.

"It's okay, I... It's not like it changes how I think of you. You're still my friend, Touka."

"My family didn't want me to leave the safety of our home, you know. They felt that I'd be in more danger if I lived among the humans. I didn't want to be limited in the life I had though. With your help and advice, I dared to move out and live my own life. I have a suspicion that Ayato knew you helped me, which is why he made a habit of bullying you. He didn't want me to leave home either, so he decided to take it out on you. I'm sorry about that, but I did kick his ass like I said I did."

I laughed at that last bit. I had known that Touka's family had been concerned about her moving out, but I had assumed it was because she was a single lady on her own that caused them to worry. It was more that she was a single Ghoul surrounded by humans that could potentially turn on her if they discovered her identity.

The elevator doors opened on our floor, and we slowly made our way to our apartments.

"We'll find him and bring him back safe and sound Kaneki, I promise."

"Thank you, Touka. Good night." I held my composure long enough to close the door and be sure she'd gotten far enough down the hall. My strength gave out, and I collapsed, sobbing into my forearms as I lay sprawled out on the floor.

* * *

Several days had passed since Hide was taken, and each day I called Yoshimura and Touka to find out what was going on. All they could tell me was that Hide was safe and they were working on a plan to get him out. I trusted them, but I just couldn't stand not doing anything to help. My hip had gone back to its average level of pain, so I decided that I'd at least get out and look around. Touka had mentioned the warehouse district when she came back from following Yamori. Maybe if I could find their exact location, I could see if there could be a way to sneak him out when that Ghoul wasn't there. I promised myself that I'd call for help if I saw anything dangerous.

The area Touka had tracked them to was vast, with many different types of businesses represented by the warehouses in the area. It wouldn't be easy to find them, but if I could at least narrow down the possibilities, it could mean getting to Hide faster. It would make more sense for Yamori to want to be secluded, so I focused on the less populated areas in the district. Wooden fences separated the properties, and as I continued, their condition quickly deteriorated.

I came to a stop and pulled out my phone to reference the map I'd been using. An overwhelming scent of cologne filled the air, and a shadow grew before me. I turned around to see the man responsible for Hide's disappearance.

"Ahh, you're that little guy I saw the other day when I was out 'shopping,'" Yamori said as he leaned closer and sniffed at my collar. "And you even still have his stench on you; how intriguing. Am I guessing you've been out looking for your friend? Well, I'm about to make things a lot easier for you, kid."

A single chop to the back of my head knocked me out cold.

* * *

I felt groggy as I woke up. The base of my head and neck ached when I moved the slightest bit. I realized that my face had been covered and my mouth gagged. The fabric had grown damp with saliva and irritated the corners of my mouth with how tight it had been tied. My arms and legs were bound as well. Some light permeated the cloth covering my face, but it wasn't thin enough to make out any of my surroundings. I attempted to speak despite the gag and the muffled sound echoed, which meant the room was relatively large and open.

"It's time to take from you once again. I have to say you've been one of my favorite playthings. None of the others have lasted nearly as long as you!"

I recognized that voice as the man that had surprised me and knocked me out, Yamori. But the sound was too far for him to be speaking to me, which had to mean that he was talking to Hide.

"Do what you want, it doesn't matter anymore."

The response was low, but I knew it was Hide's voice I heard right then. I made more noise, trying to get their attention, but suddenly the room was filled with painful screams that easily drowned out my sounds.

"Hide, it's not as fun taking these pieces from you if you aren't filled with terror and fear! But I'll still take from you regardless, because as many times as I cut them off, they grow right back. You're truly a special kind of toy made just for me! Now, where did you leave off in our little countdown? Have you started over again?" I heard a thick snapping noise followed by another scream.

"Hah... s-six hundred... aggh... seventy-one. Six hundred and s-s-sixty-four..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Added additional sources of Ghoul food aside from the canon mention of suicide victims, such as donated bodies and surgically removed body parts. This made it more convincing that Ghouls were still in hiding but not being persecuted by groups like the CCG. I could see Yoshimura negotiating this kind of deal as a doctor.
> 
> -Touka's parents are still alive in this story.
> 
> -The role reversal of Hide becoming a Ghoul and going through Yamori's torture was one of those 'aha!' lightbulb moments as I was brainstorming ideas for this story. I wanted to explore how Hide would handle going through these experiences, although it was rough to do while staying with Kaneki's POV.
> 
> -Yamori's countdown from 1000 by 7 returns.


	20. Chapter 20

I silently wept as I heard Yamori torture Hide for what felt like hours. I couldn't see what was happening, but the sounds were grotesque and Hide's screams heart-wrenching. Periodically, he would calm down enough to run through more of that strange countdown that Yamori demanded of him. I caught on that he was subtracting seven each time he called out a number. I have no idea where he started, but he was nearly close to zero now.

"I'll give you some time to regenerate now. If you try to act a little more enthusiastic about this, then maybe I'll give you a little treat soon. As much as I'm taking from you, it's only fair that I give you something in return, don't you think?"

I heard footsteps getting closer, so I kept still so it wouldn't be obvious that I was awake. I was suddenly dragged by the bindings around my legs across the floor, striking the side of a door along the way. I was roughly thrown to the side, easily manipulated by the powerful Ghoul that had kidnapped us. He pulled off the hood and yanked the gag out of my mouth, splitting the delicate skin in the corners.

"Thanks for being so patient, kid. It's almost time for your role in this game. I'm assuming you heard what was going on in there between your lover and me. As fun as he is to play with, his reactions have gotten dull. But I'm sure once he gets a whiff of your scent he'll be a completely different person. I can't seem to break his body, but with you, I'm certain I can break his mind."

He ended his speech by punching me in the face, sending me sprawling to the ground. My appendages were still bound, so I was unable to brace my fall. All I could hear was his wicked laughter as he continued assaulting me with his fists. Blood gushed from my nose as my right eye swelled shut. My hip started hurting again as I was repeatedly kicked and rolled along the ground.

"Hi-de," I gasped as the air was kicked out of my stomach. My surroundings faded around me once again as that insane laughter filled my ears.

* * *

Waking up, my arms were still tied up, but I was now sitting upright against a wall; my legs were free. My eye was swollen, and my face and body ached all over. I heard footsteps approaching, and Yamori appeared before me once again.

"I think we've given him enough time to recover from his injuries. I bet you don't know this about your boyfriend, but he has an exceptional regenerative ability, unique even among us Ghouls. I'm curious if his mind is as strong as his body though, and for that, I'll need you."

He picked me up as easily as he would a bag of groceries. I didn't resist this time since he was going to bring me to Hide. I didn't care what happened to me after; I didn't want to leave this world without seeing him one more time. If we weren't meant to survive this day, at least I'd get the opportunity to tell him how I honestly felt and have a meaningful goodbye.

He walked through a large set of double doors and into an expansive room. The checkered black and white pattern of the floor tiles gave the place more depth. In the middle of the room was Hide, seated in a chair surrounded by a few tables. He was slumped over with his head hanging down, at least until we got closer. As we approached him, I noticed his hands were handcuffed behind him and his feet bound to the bottom of the chair.

"That scent..."

"Ah, so you picked up on my little surprise already? I guess I underestimated your Ghoul senses. I was hoping to play a bit of a guessing game." Yamori tossed me to the ground in front of Hide. I hadn't noticed until we'd gotten closer that Hide had streaks of white scattered through his dirty blonde locks. His face had grown pale and sullen since I'd last seen him, but his eyes were wide and attentive as he stared at me.

"Kaneki, I'm sorry for this, it's my fault you're here having to endure this. It'll be over soon, I swear it."

"Hide, don't worry about me, I just want—"

Yamori snatched me up by my hair and brought me to my feet before I could finish speaking. Hide reacted by struggling against his cuffs, the skin around the metal raw and bruised.

"I think that's enough of a reunion, boys, at least until you find each other in Hell! Now my question is just what you'd be willing to do to extend your precious Kaneki's lifespan just a little longer. Of course, the longer you make me wait, the fewer limbs he's going to have. And I have a feeling that his won't grow back."

He ripped apart the rope tying my arms back and wrenched my right arm behind me in an unnatural position, dislocating my shoulder as I cried out in pain. I looked at Hide, and he was shaking his head and mumbling to himself, tears flowing down his face.

"I... I see it now! Haha! I finally understand!" Hide was laughing now as he excitedly spoke to Yamori, who had stopped his assault on me to question what Hide meant.

"Has your mind finally shattered? Laughing like a madman, it looks like you've finally lost it!"

Hide's laughter quieted down, and he looked up and stared at Yamori with an intensity that sent shivers through me.

"This whole time I've been afraid to give into this new power because I thought it would only endanger those I care for. But you've helped me realize that its real purpose is to protect. I won't hold it back any longer. I'll accept this now, that I am a Ghoul!"

In an instant, Hide broke free of his restraints. He went straight at Yamori, who tossed me aside to prepare for his attack. I'd never seen Hide move with such force and purpose. I clutched my right arm as I struggled to get my shoulder back into place. Crying out as it finally did so, I turned back to see Hide had managed to draw blood on Yamori.

"You bit me! No one has ever made it close enough to wound me before. This will be a worthy fight after all!"

"Your taste is as foul as your looks, but I'll do what's necessary to survive and protect what's important." Hide wiped the blood from his mouth and continued his fight with Yamori, who had released a fleshy tendril from his back and was using it as a weapon against Hide. It didn't look like Rize's at all, with sharp spikes covering it. Hide was doing well to dodge his attacks and even landed a few hits himself.

"Not bad, kid. But here's where I show you how weak you are!" His weapon started to change, enveloping his arm and face as it increased his muscle mass. He advanced on Hide once again, but he wasn't backing down from this new threat either. Hide was swept aside by Yamori and slammed against the far wall, creating a cloud of dust and debris with the force of impact.

"No, Hide!" I said as I watched on in horror. As the dust settled, Hide was still standing, as if nothing happened.

"You'll have to try better than that, old man," Hide said with a smirk on his face. He leaned over slightly, and with a sudden burst, released four of the same kagune that Rize had used to impale him weeks ago.

"They... Those look just like hers..." I said as I watched him control them so naturally, whipping them all forward to point towards Yamori before charging at him once again.

"So you ended up with her kagune, how interesting! Let's see what you can do with it, boy!" Yamori swung at him with his kagune and the two traded blows once more. It was my first time seeing such an intense battle, but what amazed me was Hide's lack of hesitation and raw strength. Regarding size, he was at a disadvantage, but he was still holding his own against that sadistic monster.

Hide used his kagune to thrust himself into the air, then swung them down at Yamori, who wasn't fast enough to dodge them. Once on the ground, Hide used one of them to sever Yamori's arm and strike him down once again. Beaten, he laid on his stomach while Hide approached him. As Hide got closer, he deliberately impaled each of Yamori's limbs with his tendrils, pinning him in place. Assuming the battle was over, I started to walk over to Hide.

"You know, I would have kept playing your little game, letting you sever my fingers and toes over and over because I felt it was a deserving punishment for the sins I've committed. But you made the mistake of threatening Kaneki and being foolish enough to do so right in front of me. I must admit that I'm grateful that through this, I learned how to wield this new side of myself properly. What I can't forgive is your ridiculous countdown. Counting backward from a thousand in sevens? Do you have any idea how much I hate math?"

And at that, Hide began to devour the Ghoul known as Yamori. I wanted to stop him, but something within me said that it was necessary. If he had to be bound by a Ghoul's hunger, I wouldn't keep him from satisfying it.

"That's enough, Hide. Eating that will make you sick, young man." We both looked around for the source of the voice and found Dr. Yoshimura walking towards us. Touka was with him as well.

"We're sorry it took us so long. We didn't expect Yamori to kidnap you, Kaneki," said Touka.

Hide looked at the newcomers with hesitation. He had withdrawn his tendrils and made them disappear from his back. His fatigue was apparent now as he looked worried.

"It's okay Hide, they're here to help."

Yoshimura nodded in agreement, "You two should get going; we'll take care of Yamori. You can rest at Anteiku if you need to, Hide. Although I'm sure there's someplace else you'd rather be."

We thanked them and walked away. Hide approached me cautiously and put my arm around his neck to help me walk. I wanted to refuse, saying that he was in worse condition than I was, but being supported by him was more than I could ask for at this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -In hindsight, I would have liked to have gotten into Hide's inner monologue while he was coming to terms with his acceptance as a Ghoul to fight Yamori.
> 
> -"What I can't forgive is your ridiculous countdown. Counting backward from a thousand in sevens? Do you have any idea how much I hate math?" I dislike math and felt that Hide should share this opinion. Consider it a bit of author insertion.


	21. Chapter 21

"No more hospitals."

"Kaneki, you need to get checked out. Your face is all busted up and your shoulder's hurt. Who knows what else he did that I can't see right now..."

"I don't want to go, Hide." I'm sure I was foolish, but despite the pain, I didn't want to go to a place that would separate us, even for a short time. "Nothing feels broken, and it's all injuries I can manage on my own, anyway." I tightened my arm around his midsection to hold him closer.

"As stubborn as ever..." Hide relented and walked us back to my apartment. He helped me to the bathroom, where I sat down on the toilet lid. The light felt more intense than usual, perhaps since we'd been in darkness for so long tonight. Hide pulled off my shirt and gasped when he saw the bruises that Yamori had left on my sides and stomach.

"What were you thinking, Kaneki? You shouldn't have come looking for me. Involving yourself with Ghouls knowing how dangerous they are; you can't keep being so reckless!"

"It doesn't matter. I care for you far too much to let you go! I'll face whatever I have to if it means I can be by your side, Hide. These bruises are nothing compared to the pain I've felt being away from you. I'm sorry I never gave you a chance to talk to me about what happened. I made a mistake running away, and I don't intend to let it happen again."

Hide watched me with teary eyes, then chuckled lightly. "Wow, it's like you're a different person now, Kaneki. In a good way."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, before you would rarely make eye contact with anyone, especially me. You spoke so softly, too. Your shyness was one of the things that attracted me to you. But you're so confident with yourself now; it's a pleasant... surprise."

Hide started to wash off the blood from my face and body. He wrapped up my shoulder and put together an ice pack for my swollen eye.

"How did it happen? Your... condition?" I felt like I knew the answer, I just wanted to see if he suspected the same thing.

"I think it had something to do with the accident. I didn't want to say anything, but there are moments when I can feel that female Ghoul's presence hanging over my shoulder. They said my doctor implanted some of her organs into me to save my life. But she was a Ghoul, so if that happened, then I'm at least partially one myself now. I fought so hard to deny that it was true. I was nearly starving when you showed up at my place. That's why I told you it wasn't safe there."

I suspected it when I saw Hide develop the same kagune tendrils as Rize. That accident caused him to turn into a Ghoul. He shouldn't have even been there when she attacked me that night. I was meant to be her victim, not Hide. He sacrificed himself to save me from this fate.

"I'll take responsibility."

"What?"

"I said I'll take responsibility for you. The situation you're in now is all because you saved me. I'll take care of you, just like you did for me."

Hide shook his head, "No, it's not necessary to do that. This is for me to deal with."

"Too bad, I'm not going anywhere. Now let me take care of you, I know that you're hurt as well." I stood up carefully and walked over to Hide, pulling off his tattered shirt. Remarkably, the wounds that I knew he had sustained during his fight had already healed. Aside from dirt, the only mark on him was a scar on his lower abdomen, likely from the accident.

"I don't stay hurt for long. I learned that fast when Yamori started his game with me. No matter what he did, I just healed and regenerated whatever he cut off."

I hugged him close and told him with a calm, steady voice, "You can take from me if you need it. You must be hungry after fighting so hard."

"No, I won't do that to you!"

"I'm not going to let you starve yourself or put yourself through more pain. I'm telling you that it's okay, this is me accepting the responsibility for your life, Hide. Now take what you need." I turned my head to the side, presenting my neck and shoulder to him. He looked conflicted but licked his lips anxiously.

"Just... Just the bare minimum, okay?" He scraped his tongue against the old bite wound once again. Gently nipping at the edges with his teeth, he peeled it open. Lapping up the blood, he draped one arm over my right shoulder and placed the other against the small of my back. I felt it sting when he used his teeth once again, feeling the skin surrounding the old bite start to tear away. I winced as the last piece ripped off and felt Hide's jaw moving while he chewed and swallowed.

"I'm okay now, Kaneki. Thank you." He cleaned the fresh wound and quickly bandaged it up.

I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his chest. "I'm glad I could help you, Hide." I lifted my head and kissed his neck, enjoying the transfer of heat from his skin to my lips. He started doing the same on the other side of my neck, licking and sucking the skin near my collarbone. I ran my hands over him, reaching for the front of his pants when he paused and caught my hands with his own.

"If we keep going, I don't know if I can control myself. I've already taken from you once, I don't know for sure that I could hold back again."

"Then let me have it. I'll take control this time. I want you, Hide. I _need_ you right now."

Hide stared into my eyes, "Then take me, Ken."

* * *

It was my first time taking the lead, but I didn't feel any hesitation as I sat up on my bed with Hide in my lap. He was getting himself ready for me. Watching Hide finger himself made me want to be inside him even more. I reached towards my nightstand to get out the box of condoms we'd normally use but Hide stopped me.

"Not this time, Kaneki. I want to feel all of you."

"But Hide..."

"I'm serious; it's alright. I'm ready when you are," he said as he withdrew the fingers he'd been using on himself, still coated with lube and dripping onto the sheets.

I lined my cock up to his opening, and as Hide held onto my shoulders, he slowly eased himself down until he took in all of me.

"You okay, Hide?"

Hide smiled uneasily, "It's fine, just go slow at first."

I obliged and put my hands on his waist as I started to move. His warmth radiated out as his body squeezed tightly around me. This sensation was unlike anything I'd experienced. I wanted to feel more of it.

"Mmmh, that's it, Kaneki." Hide had gotten more comfortable and was rocking his hips in time with my thrusts. He kissed me deeply as I moved my hands from his waist to the small of his back, enjoying the soft skin as I caressed him.

"Oooh, wait Kaneki, not there!" He stiffened his back but didn't cease in his motions as he rode my cock.

"What, does it hurt? Should I pull out?"

He shook his head, "No, not _that_ area. My back. That spot is really... sensitive right now."

"Sensitive in a good way, or bad?"

"Good, I think."

"Then that means I can keep going." I drove myself in deeper as I massaged the lower part of his back. I felt him tighten up even more as he shivered against me.

"Nggh, Kaneki, it's too much, both is too much!" At the same time Hide came, he also released two small kagune from his lower back. They rippled and waved behind him as he buried his head into my shoulder and trembled.

"I... I didn't know that would happen. But they're amazing, Hide. Is it okay if I touch them?" A nod confirmed it, and I reached out to touch one of the newest parts of Hide. It reacted to my touch, winding around my forearm gently. I rubbed my hands around the base, where the tendrils met his back, and it sent chills through Hide again.

"They are really sensitive, aren't they? I like how you react to me touching them; it must feel good."

"You have no idea. I'm going to try to withdraw them though. It's distracting me from focusing on you." They slowly disappeared into his back. "That was fun, but try to avoid that area for now, okay Ken?"

It was strange to hear him call me by my first name again. I'm sure I even blushed a little. I moved my hands further up his back and held them there as he rocked against me harder. My limit was quickly approaching.

"What should I do, Hide? I'm almost there."

"Finish right where you are, Ken. I told you I wanted to feel all of you."

His pace quickened as I held him tighter, the two of us writhing together as one. His words turned me on in a way I hadn't previously thought possible, and with several quick thrusts, I gave him exactly what he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -"Wow, it's like you're a different person now, Kaneki. In a good way." I wanted Hide to bring attention to the fact that Kaneki doesn't stutter anymore (or less than usual), and shows more confidence in himself, a stark contrast to the beginning of the story.
> 
> -Oh yeah, they're a versatile couple.
> 
> -The scene with Hide triggering his kagune during the sex scene was influenced by another Kaneki/Hide fanfiction I'd read where a similar situation happens. The thought of kagune being an erogenous zone is intriguing to me.


	22. Chapter 22

The next morning, I woke up in a lot of pain. The beating I took from Yamori the day before had done a number on me. I turned over in bed to find that I was alone. It wasn't unusual for Hide to be up before me, but considering all that's happened, I worried that he'd disappear again. I sat up and saw some pain medicine and a glass of water sitting on my nightstand. I smiled as I quickly took them and limped out of the bedroom. I expected to find Hide in the kitchen or watching TV on the couch, but my breath caught in my throat as I saw him carrying a duffel bag over his shoulder as he walked to the front door.

"W-Where are you going, Hide?" My voice sounded weak despite wanting to sound confident. I didn't want to sound desperate, not yet.

"I... I'm afraid, Kaneki," Hide said as he froze in place, his hand on the doorknob. "I'm scared of what else could happen if I'm with you."

He turned to face me, his eyes were red and puffy, which meant he'd been crying for a while. I took him by the hand, led him to the couch and sat him down before seating myself next to him.

"There's nothing to worry about Hide. I get that you're feeling unsure about a lot of things, but—"

"I've done nothing but endanger you from the moment I fell for you, Kaneki. I've hurt you physically and emotionally, and it'll just keep happening if I'm near you. I don't want you to become a casualty while I'm trying to figure out just who or what I am now!"

He stood up and made his way to leave again, but I caught his wrist as he passed by.

"I've given it a lot of thought, Hide. I spent so long afraid to let you know my feelings for you. That fear kept me from seeing how you felt about me. Your actions may have been reckless and stupid, but they were brought on by my own inaction. I was unsure how things were going to go between us. But I feel it, deep within my heart, that if you were to walk out that door right now and never look back, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. And I think you would too. I love you, and I don't want to lose you."

My voice broke just as I finished my sentence, I squeezed my hand against his wrist and lightly tugged to get him to come back. He brought his free hand up towards his face, clearing away the tears that were falling now.

"You dummy... I love you too!" Hide came back to the couch and collapsed next to me, gently pulling me into his arms. "It's not that I want to leave you, I just don't want to see you get hurt anymore."

"Then don't go anywhere, that's the only way to avoid hurting me completely," I said as I completed our embrace and held him tight. The pain in my shoulder from where Hide had fed was getting worse, but I refused to loosen my hold on him. The meds would work eventually.

"Are you sure about this, Kaneki? If we're being honest here, I just... I don't feel like the same person anymore. This new side of me seems to come with a lot of excess baggage that even I'm not sure I'm willing to deal with. How can I expect you to deal with all this drama too? What if you find that you don't even feel the same way for this new me?"

"You're asking a lot of 'what if' questions that don't matter. I'm here for you just like you've always been for me, drama or no drama. You told me that I seemed like a different person just yesterday. People change as they go through life. We're both going to have times where we change, but my feelings for you are the one constant I have in my life."

Hide pulled me into his lap and leaned forward to meet my lips in a long slow kiss. His fingers lightly traced the outline of my arms before coming to a rest near my shoulders. Aware of the fresh wound, he avoided putting any pressure on that side. I could feel him getting hard as I sat on top of him. I wanted to make him feel better, to help alleviate his worries and concerns. But at this moment, I just wanted him to be mine again. I moaned softly as our kiss came to an end.

"Mmm, Hide..."

"We don't have to, Kaneki. I know you're in pain, even if you won't admit it."

"Isn't that why you left me the pain meds? I won't let a little pain get between us," I said as I pulled off his shirt and ran my hands over his chest.

"Yeah, you are definitely a different person. When did you get so aggressive? Not that I'm complaining of course..."

"I have you to thank for awakening this side of me. I would never have experienced this kind of love had it not been for you. So, if I'm too aggressive, it's because you're turning me on so much."

We started to kiss once more as our hands explored each other's bodies. I undid Hide's pants and tugged them down, his cock stood firm, covered tightly by his underwear.

"Do you need me to take things from here, Hide?"

In one fluid motion, Hide picked me up and laid me on the couch. As he freed me from the confines of my pants, he smiled once again.

"I can handle it now. Having you take the lead last night was hot though! We'll have to do that more often. But I want you all to myself this time."

* * *

We eventually made it back to the bed, and after we finished, we laid in each other's arms.

"I feel like I should cook for you now, but I'm not sure how well that would go. I can't exactly taste-test what I make anymore."

"Don't worry about it. I can't expect you to do that for me."

He was quiet for a while, his gaze further than what was directly in front of him.

"What is it, Hide?"

He shook his head as he brought his attention back to me. "I was thinking about the food situation. Will I really have to kill to survive?"

The talk with Dr. Yoshimura came back to me, and I shared that information with Hide. He was relieved to hear that there were some alternatives. We made plans to visit Anteiku later, once we showered. Hide changed my bandages, his expression staying calm even when faced with the open wound.

We took our time getting to the coffee shop, our recent experience in captivity gave us a new appreciation for the freedom we had taken for granted. Upon arriving at Anteiku, Dr. Yoshimura greeted us kindly.

"I was hoping to see the both of you. If you'd be so kind, follow me to the second floor, we can speak more comfortably there."

We followed him up the stairs and into one of the rooms, nicely furnished with several couches and tables. Dr. Yoshimura took our drink orders and excused himself from the room.

"This shop, you said it's a haven for Ghouls? It's comforting to know a place like this exists."

The doctor returned with our drinks and sat down in the chair nearest to our couch.

"I'm assuming that Kaneki has informed you about what we do here at Anteiku, besides serve coffee, of course."

"Yes. I haven't had much to eat since this started. It scared me to think of what I'd have to do to get rid of this hunger. I'd appreciate any help you could offer, sir."

Yoshimura pulled a bundle of butcher's paper from his apron and placed it on the table in front of Hide and me.

"That's what we're here for, young man. We only ask that you avoid hunting in our ward, although I doubt that will be an issue with you. Is there anything else you wish to know? This must be a very confusing time for you."

"My first question would be, why this had to happen to me, but I won't pose that question to you since you had nothing to do with it. I'm sure that my surgeon did what he felt was right at the time to save a life, so asking that would be pointless if it were just by chance I ended up with Ghoul organs and changed because of it."

Dr. Yoshimura was quiet for some time, deep in thought, before finally replying.

"As a doctor who is familiar with the anatomy of both humans and Ghouls, I've come to suspect that Dr. Kanou wasn't completely ignorant of the fact that the organs he transplanted weren't human. The hospital was criticized for allowing the transplanting of organs without the consent of next-of-kin. Kanou was placed on administrative leave while they investigate the case. However, he has since left town without notice. I can't help but find the circumstances suspicious."

"Are you saying that this... That this was done to me on purpose?"

"I'm only considering the possibility. Without asking Dr. Kanou directly, there's no way to know for sure."

Hide looked angry, "I want to find him. That operation changed my life and almost ruined it. I want to know why he did it."

"One of our duties as a Ghoul haven is to ensure the safety of all who use this place. Any outside forces that would seek to destroy the peace we've created here are dealt with quickly. If Kanou is experimenting with Ghoul-Human hybrids, he must be stopped at all costs. I know you've been through a troubling experience, but it would help us greatly if you'd assist us, Hide. From what we witnessed yesterday, you have a powerful kagune and regenerative ability. We could use someone with your strengths."

"We only came here to get Hide some food so he didn't have to go hungry," I said nervously. They wanted Hide to put himself in danger, and I didn't want that to happen. I just wanted us to get our lives back to some semblance of normal again.

"It's okay Kaneki; I want to help them. It's only fair since they're giving me what I need to survive."

"We barely survived yesterday, Hide. I know you feel obliged to help, but this would mean having to put yourself in danger and possibly get hurt or killed..."

"I want answers, and because of yesterday, I know that I need to get stronger. This is my chance to do that. I know you don't agree, and I'm sorry, but this is something I need to do."

"No, I don't agree, but I won't let you go through it alone either, so you have my support, always."

Yoshimura stood up and bowed to the both of us, "You both have my thanks for supporting Anteiku. It warms my heart to see humans and Ghouls taking care of each other. I can only hope for a time when places like Anteiku won't be necessary, and Ghouls can live without fear. But that's just an old man's dream, never mind me. Please come back whenever you need more supplies, Hide, and we'll be in touch if we need your help."

We thanked him and went back to my apartment. I gave Hide some privacy while he ate whatever was in the package that he was given. Once he finished eating, he joined me on the couch.

"You must be upset about me joining Anteiku. I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. I should have been more considerate of your feelings. It was unfair of me to make you feel guilty. I was just worried about you. But I believe in your strength, so do your best and come back to me whenever they call for you, okay?"

"I will. I always will, thank you," Hide said as he hugged me. Our exhausting day had become night, and it ended with Hide and I watching TV under our favorite blanket. He fell asleep before me, his head leaning against my shoulder.

I thought back to when I had gone to his apartment after the accident, to find him looking sick and miserable. Now he looked healthier and most importantly, he seemed happy again. I swept his messy hair off from his face and lightly kissed his forehead before getting comfortable and falling asleep. I hoped that our future would have more peaceful nights like this than nights spent apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -"I've given it a lot of thought, Hide. I spent so long afraid to let you know my feelings for you. That fear kept me from seeing how you felt about me. Your actions may have been reckless and stupid, but they were brought on by my own inaction. I was unsure how things were going to go between us. But I feel it, deep within my heart, that if you were to walk out that door right now and never look back, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. And I think you would too. I love you, and I don't want to lose you." I wrote this monologue well before I got to this part of the story. I knew that this was something Kaneki had to realize and share with Hide. 
> 
> -This is where my original outline had ended. I took a two-week break and, in that time, wrote out the continuing outline for the story. I changed more of the canon events, feeling more comfortable with doing so after what I'd done in the first part of the story.


	23. Chapter 23

Watching the rain through the window of my apartment, I couldn't help but think where Hide could be at this moment. The rain had been falling since late last night. It was admittedly soothing to hear as I tried to sleep. Water droplets were scattered across the pane of glass my head currently leaned on, distorting my vision whenever I focused my eyes through them rather than around. Over the last six months, I'd gotten used to the way things had settled. After Hide agreed to join Anteiku, they'd requested his help for a handful of missions. The first time he left had been the hardest, obviously, but Hide returned to me safe and sound just as he promised. He'd only been gone a few days, but to me, it felt like an eternity. The apartment felt less like a home without him in it. I avoided both school and work while he was gone, preferring to stay at home and wait. Sleep escaped me as well while he was away.

Upon his return, Hide wasn't amused by the way I'd handled his absence. He scolded me for missing school and work, and he was right, of course. Hide had said that ignoring my own life wasn't fair to either of us. So, when he was summoned for the second time, I didn't make the same mistake. Even though the worry and anxiety still hovered over me, I attended my classes and worked my shifts at Mado's. I didn't want to see him disappointed in me again, so I learned to keep going. My grades steadily improved as a result, which earned me a head pat from Hide when he came back, among other affection and intimate moments.

I'd taken Dr. Yoshimura up on his offer for physical therapy sessions to keep myself occupied and to work on my health. Improving my permanent limp had been my initial goal, but I managed to regain some strength and motion in my left shoulder as well. I didn't want Hide to feel like I was a burden due to my old injuries or have him feel guilty. I'd catch him looking at the scar on my left shoulder sometimes, and he'd quickly look away. I knew he felt terrible about it, even after telling him countless times that it didn't bother me. He still had insecurities, but we were managing to work through them together.

I wasn't the only one working on improving their body, either. Hide spent his free time combat training with other members of Anteiku to help him get stronger. And the results were evident; his slim figure had developed into a fit and muscular physique that would have put bodybuilders to shame. He'd catch me staring at him and jokingly call me a perv while covering himself with his arms.

The rain had gotten lighter until it was only misty outside now. I thought about leaving for today's physical therapy appointment when movement on the street below attracted my attention.

"He's back!" I proclaimed with a smile as I watched Hide approach the building. Within minutes I heard his key turning in the door and took my position on the other side.

"I'm home, Kaneki," he said as our eyes met for the first time in three weeks. No more words were spoken between us as I wrapped my arms around his rain-dampened hoodie and kissed him deeply. His overnight bag hit the floor with a dull thud as he pulled me close to him. Feeling his body's warmth against my own, I ached to get him even closer to me.

"Ugh, come on guys, at least show enough restraint to close your damn door before sexing each other up."

Surprised, we stopped and realized that we hadn't even closed the apartment door. Touka shook her head from the doorway and sauntered off to her apartment with a smirk on her face.

"S-Sorry, Touka!" I yelled as I quickly shut and locked the door. I had a feeling that this wouldn't be the last I heard about this scene.

"No you're not, you little horn-dog," Hide said as he approached me from behind, placing one hand on my crotch and the other across my chest. He casually stroked his fingers against my growing erection.

"Mmm, you're right. I'm not sorry." I turned to face Hide again, his hand still stroking my cock through my pants. I took off his hoodie and the shirt beneath it with relative ease. My hands canvassed his skin, feeling his muscles tense and relax as he moved his arms. I undid his pants next, letting them fall to the floor where he stepped out of them. His cock was eagerly waiting for attention as well, but I held off on doing so to remove the rest of my clothes. No longer hidden from each other, we pressed ourselves close until our cocks rubbed together. Hide grabbed them both and began to thrust against mine.

"Haa... H-Hide, what do you want?"

"For you to take control again," he said breathlessly into my ear. "I need to feel you inside me, Ken. It's been too long."

I nodded and regrettably broke away from his touch to lead him into our bedroom.

* * *

"Hold me tighter, Kaneki. D-Don't stop!" Hide was close to finishing as he leaned over the bed on his hands with one leg propped up. I stood behind him with my hands gripping his shoulders, using the leverage to bury myself inside him with greater urgency. His soft moans implored me to give him everything I had.

"I'm close, Hide. Where do you want it?" He still refused to let me use a condom whenever I was taking the lead. I learned that asking him where he wanted me to finish excited him more. Even though I didn't like making a mess of him, climaxing inside Hide felt amazing. I wondered how it would feel if he'd do the same to me, but he'd always turn me down.

"In-Inside, haa..."

I let go of his shoulders and reached for his hands, pulling them out and behind him. His face and chest fell onto the bed for a moment before I jerked him back up. I could go deeper in this position, and it gave me a slight feeling of dominance over Hide. I yanked his arms back towards me with each forward thrust, pulling him against my cock repeatedly.

"Yeah! Right there, Kaneki!" He cried out as he came, spilling himself onto the bedsheets. His body tightened around me as he did so, which brought on my own climax. Out of breath and exhausted, we fell onto the bed.

"You have PT on Tuesdays, don't you?" Hide asked once he'd caught his breath. He wound his arms around mine, his tired eyes gazing at me with warmth and concern.

"I think I found a much more satisfying way to exercise today."

"Smart ass. So, anything new since I've been away?"

I shook my head, "Nah, same old stuff. I aced my midterms, but they weren't difficult, to be honest." I regretted bringing up the subject of school. Hide had dropped out of his classes to deal with his issues and work with Anteiku. I knew he didn't want to give it up, so I tried to avoid talking about it to spare his feelings.

Hide smiled, "That's great! I'm proud of you, Kaneki. I'd say we should celebrate, but I think we got that out of the way already."

"Not necessary, it was just some exams. I want to hear about you, Hide. Anything new with finding Kanou?"

"Nothing yet. This last mission was mainly information gathering. We heard rumors of a faction of Ghouls gathering members throughout several wards. It turns out they are organizing as a group against humans. Yoshimura is looking over what we brought back and plans to have a meeting tomorrow to discuss our next move. I hope this doesn't go too far, but from what I've heard, it isn't good."

One of Hide's requests, when he joined Anteiku, was to allow me full access to Anteiku's meetings and plans. He didn't want me to be left in the dark about anything he was involved with. His request didn't have any opposition, so whenever they met, I was welcome to sit in and provide my own thoughts in their discussions. In every respect, I was a member, except I wasn't allowed to go out on missions. This was Hide's other request. The other members agreed to this one as well.

"I'm sure it's nothing that Anteiku can't handle."

We got under the covers and held each other close for the remainder of the afternoon. The rain had picked up again outside. The sound of it eased me into the peaceful sleep I only managed to get when Hide was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Six months have passed since the end of chapter 21.


	24. Chapter 24

"Aogiri Tree? That's what they're calling themselves?" Kimi Nishino asked.

Yoshimura nodded his head before continuing. "Yes, they're an organization that's been around for quite a few years, but recently managed to gain a following in many of the surrounding wards. According to the information we collected over the last three weeks, they're taking Ghouls into their group either by free will or by force. Those who refuse tend to disappear, but we don't know whether they're killed or simply run off."

"Just why are they gathering all these Ghouls together? It's rare to see a group this size, it attracts too much attention," said Nishiki Nishio, Kimi Nishino's boyfriend. He's human like me, even though Kimi is a Ghoul. His attitude could use some work, but he's loyal to Kimi and Anteiku and is a strong fighter. For some reason, he doesn't care much for Hide and I.

"Their current goal is to organize against humans and show that Ghouls are the superior species. They are a terrorist group, plain and simple. If their plans succeed, it will incite the humans' fear and lead to us being targeted once again. We've had nearly two decades of peace between us, with compromises made on each side. Aogiri intends to disrupt that peace, and I won't stand for it. I've seen too much bloodshed on both sides to allow it to happen again." Yoshimura took a moment to collect his thoughts and then sat down.

The door to the room opened, and a small woman entered cautiously. Her green hair was hastily tied up in a messy bun as she bowed before the group. "Apologies for being late, I lost track of time. Although I'm not quite sure why you bothered contacting _me_ for a meeting."

"No apologies needed, Eto. I asked you to come here because I know you don't involve yourself in our matters. But this can cause problems for you if left unaware. Please take a seat, and I'll catch you up on what we've already discussed," said Yoshimura as he gestured toward an open seat. She nodded and sat down quickly. As he ran through the information we'd just talked about, I couldn't help but watch her. She seemed familiar, but I couldn't place where I'd seen her before. I nudged Yomo, who had been silently observing the meeting as he always did.

"Yomo, I haven't seen her at the meetings before, who is she?" Hide leaned over me to catch Yomo's reply, eager to hear the answer as well.

"That's Yoshimura's daughter, Eto. Their relationship is rather... strained, so they tend to keep their distance from each other. To be honest, I'm surprised she showed up here today, myself. She's a strange one, usually doesn't get involved with Ghoul matters and prefers to stick to her human identity. She does some writing or something like that. I think he's almost done catching her up."

Writing? If she's a writer, that must be the connection to where I've seen her!

"Y-You're Takatsuki Sen, aren't you? The writer?" I blurted out louder than I had intended, interrupting them. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to distract you, I just—"

"Yes, that's me! Are you a fan of my work? I can't imagine any other reason for you to get so excited about my identity. And who might you be?"

"Me? I'm Kaneki, I-I am a fan of you. Of your work! Oh man, why am I so nervous, I'm sorry! I must look like such an idiot."

Hide draped his arm over my shoulder and laughed, "Don't mind him, he's a little star-struck at the moment. My name is Hideyoshi Nagachika, but you can call me Hide. And this ball of nerves is Kaneki Ken."

She smiled at me as she nodded towards us. "Pleasure meeting both of you. You can just call me Eto here."

I felt like such a tool for fanboying out in front of her. She's written many of my favorite novels, I would have never expected to meet her like this. Hide helped to calm me down at least.

"Well, if we're done playing celebrity jerk-off here, how about we get back to this meeting? Kimi and I don't have as much free time as some of you, ya know," said Nishiki, his tone flat and uncaring.

"Sorry for the interruption. Please continue," Eto said as she brought her attention back to her father.

"We need to learn more about them and what their plans are. To do this, we'll need to infiltrate them. Hide, since you're a relatively new face around here, I think this job would be best suited to you. They haven't done much recruiting in our ward, and not many people here are aware of your affiliation with Anteiku. You would need to stay undercover for an indiscriminate amount of time to gather the information we need. If you accept, we'll discuss the rest of the details after we're done here."

"Yes sir, I'll do it."

"Wait, what?" I asked. "Hide just spent three weeks following these guys around, shouldn't someone else go instead?"

"Sounds like your wife doesn't want you taking off again so soon, pretty boy. Maybe you should teach him to show more respect for those of us who have an _active_ role in Anteiku rather than an observer."

"How about you blow it out your ass, Nishiki? He has just as much of a right to express his opinion here as you do. As any of us here do," answered Touka, who regularly has it out with Nishiki. It would have surprised me more if she hadn't had anything to say to him.

Kimi spoke up next, "Okay, let's all calm down here. That was uncalled for, Nishio, let it go so we can focus on what's important here. It worries me that this many Ghouls are gathering to cause a disturbance with humanity. And when we're so close to working out a solution to the biggest problem keeping us apart."

Kimi Nishino was referring to her lab's research on creating an alternative source of food for Ghouls. She believed that it could be possible to engineer meat that could be eaten by Ghouls without any humans being harmed in the process. Most of the science to it was beyond me, but she was confident that they were close to a breakthrough.

"I'll get myself into their group, sir, and get whatever you need to bring them down," Hide said, purposely avoiding my eyes as I stared at him.

"Good, then we can focus on making sure that Kimi's research continues without any setbacks. I know you two are busy with that, so if you need to get back to it, you're free to leave."

"Yes sir, thank you for getting us all together for this meeting. Come on Nishio, let's get back to the lab," Kimi bowed to the rest of us and waved for Nishiki to hurry up. He gave Hide and I a dirty look before walking out of the room.

"I should be leaving as well, I have some meetings with my publishers I should get prepared for. It's true that I don't like getting involved with the Ghoul world. My life as the human author Takatsuki Sen has made me happier than any time I spent as a Ghoul. But I agree that if Aogiri Tree succeeds, it will lead to humans persecuting Ghouls like myself who are only trying to live peacefully in their society. I'll help in any way that I can. Good day to you all, and nice meeting you Hide and Kaneki. I'll send over a copy of my next book for you, Kaneki dear. Bye!" She left the room with as much energy as she had when she arrived.

"Ugh, there's something about that woman that just irritates me," said Touka quietly as she approached me. "Like she's trying too hard to be friendly with everyone. People like that tend to be two-faced."

"I don't know, she seemed nice to me."

"Your opinion is biased, Mr. 'I'm a Fan of You!'" Touka replied in a mocking tone.

My face felt hot as I recalled that embarrassing moment from earlier. "Ugh, can we not bring that up? I already feel like enough of a meathead for spazzing out like that. She just caught me off guard showing up suddenly."

Touka briefly laughed along with me, "Yeah, it was strange for her to show up after avoiding Anteiku all this time. You don't know their story, right?" When I nodded my head to confirm, she continued.

"Yoshimura wasn't kidding when he said that things were bad for Ghouls in the past. He had met a woman, and they fell in love, you know, the typical love story. But she was human, and he was a Ghoul. It didn't stop them though, despite the world being against them being together. And of course, from that love came a little bundle of joy, Eto. A natural born half-Ghoul is a very rare thing, and eventually, they were targeted. Yoshimura saw the woman he loved get killed while he could do nothing but escape with their child. Heartbroken and paranoid that staying with him would get her killed too, he decided the best thing to do was to leave Eto in the care of another ward, so he brought her to the 24th and then disappeared. Fast forward a few decades, Yoshimura finds his daughter, but she's mad at him for abandoning her. Their interaction today was probably the most civil I've seen them. He does care for her tremendously, which is likely why he wanted to warn her about the danger we were facing."

"Wow, I had no idea. I feel bad for them both, having the past weigh them down even in the present," I said in reply. It was a lot to take in. Hide was talking to Yoshimura, getting the details for his next mission worked out. I would go over and listen, but I just didn't want to hear them talk about him being gone again so soon. Nishiki wasn't wrong earlier, I didn't want him to leave again. He hasn't even been back 24 hours, and they're already making plans to send him away again.

Hide finished and walked back over to me. "I don't leave until Friday, what do you want to do with me until then, Kaneki?"

"Let's go home, Hide. We'll figure out the rest later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Some notable changes include the reversal of Kimi and Nishio's species. The fact that Nishio is human comes into play later in the story.
> 
> -"Kimi Nishino was referring to her lab's research on creating an alternative source of food for Ghouls. She believed that it could be possible to engineer meat that could be eaten by Ghouls without any humans being harmed in the process." I wrote this plot element a few weeks before the end of the Tokyo Ghoul:re manga. In the last chapter, there's mention of Kimi working on artificial meat for Ghouls. It was a truly surreal moment to see something I wrote weeks before become canon suddenly. 
> 
> -Aogiri isn't as extensive or complex of a group here as it is in the manga.
> 
> -I immensely enjoyed Kaneki's fanboy moment with Eto/Takatsuki. There's no doubt in my mind that it would play out any other way than it did.
> 
> -Eto and Yoshimura's past are relatively the same, although to keep with the alternate reality of the CCG not being formed, I didn't include anything involving the Owl storyline. Her motivations will be made more obvious in later chapters.
> 
> -"Let's go home, Hide." Reference to the end of Root A.


	25. Chapter 25

"Last time he called in to report, Hide said he'd become an errand boy within Aogiri. This is what we had hoped for since it puts him in a position to learn a lot about their group and its structure. He hasn't had any problems, so there's no need to worry. We'll let you know when he gets in touch with us again. I'm sorry he can't call you directly, Kaneki. It's a safety measure, for both him and you."

"I understand, thank you, sir. I'll stop by Anteiku after class. See you then." I hung up and stared at my phone screen for a moment before letting out a heavy sigh, slid it back into my pocket, and continued my walk to the campus. Hide left five days ago to join and infiltrate Aogiri Tree. Dr. Yoshimura has kept me informed as promised, so I'm not entirely clueless as to what's going on.

Just as before, I continued with my daily life, still pained by his absence. The few days we had together before he left felt strained. I knew I was to blame for that and wish I had apologized for it before he left. I realize he isn't purposely upsetting me by going on these missions. I know he has a valid reason for doing so, but still... It hurts when I come home to an empty apartment.

"So, you can step up your pace after all, weirdo," said Ayato as he walked past me on the way to the school. His voice had lost a lot of the anger, so I didn't take much offense to it. I took it as his way of acknowledging that my physical therapy was helping. He's aware that I know about his and Touka's identities as Ghouls and still seemed indifferent towards me. I took that to be a good thing.

Class dragged by as it usually did, and as soon as it was over, I headed over to Anteiku. Touka was there behind the counter serving some customers. She slightly nodded her head to acknowledge me as I walked through the door. I replied in kind and went to sit at my usual table, the two-seater that Hide and I always occupied. The cafe seemed less crowded than usual as I pulled out the latest Takatsuki novel and flipped it open to the bookmarked page.

"The usual?" Touka said as she set down a cup of coffee in front of me.

"You know it. I thought Yoshimura was going to be here?"

"He had an errand to run in the next ward. You didn't have anything to talk to him about, did you?"

"No, we spoke earlier, I just expected to see him here. Speaking of who's here, where are all your customers today? Seems a little slow for the time of day."

She shrugged her shoulders, "Eh, who knows, at least it's less work for me. So, how's her latest book? Is it as edgy and twisted as everyone is making it out to be?"

"I don't know about edgy, but there are some definite twists. I know most people don't think much of the protagonist, Sasaki Haise, but I can feel some sympathy for him. He's had a lot to deal with in this story. His choices haven't always been right, but they make sense for the position he's been put in. Knowing the identity behind who wrote it, I can see how her past experiences living as a Ghoul have influenced her writing. I feel like it's cheating to know that about her, but it makes her stories more meaningful now."

Touka nodded as she swiped her hair away from her eye, only to have it fall back into the same place. The last two people that had been sitting at the counter when I arrived stood up and walked out, thanking Touka for the service as they passed us.

"Seeing as you're my only customer now, I'm going to the back to take a short break. If anyone comes in..."

"I'll take care of them. Go ahead and relax, I've been behind the counter before, and it's not a problem."

Touka smiled and patted my shoulder before walking into the back room. The silence in the cafe distracted me from my book. You'd think that it would be the perfect environment for reading, but I'd grown accustomed to the background noise of people conversing over their drinks and the clinking of mugs and glasses behind the counter. The absence of sound made it impossible for me to focus on the page in front of me.

"Guess I'll read more of your story when I get home, Haise," I said as I put the book away and finished my coffee. As I got up to bring my mug back to the sink, the door opened, and four men walked through. They were all wearing white suits with their hair slicked back the way 60s greasers would keep their hair. I wondered if they were in some cosplay group.

"Ah, welcome to Anteiku, what can I get for you today?"

"Where's the manager?" asked the largest of the four, an angry looking man with sharp blonde hair.

"Uh, he's not in today. If you like, I can get one of the regular employees for you."

"Nah, don't bother kid. We'll take four cups of dark roast to go," the man replied as he retrieved his wallet from his back pocket. I finished his transaction and gave him his change before setting up four cups on a carryout tray. The group made small talk as I worked. I overheard one of them refer to the head person as Naki.

"Thanks for stopping in, sorry you couldn't meet the manager today. I'm sure if you come back tomorrow, he'll be available." I walked around the counter to give Naki the tray. As I handed it off, Naki suddenly froze in place, staring at me intensely. He sniffed air through his nose sharply.

"Wait. That scent, I recognize it from somewhere. You guys take a whiff and lemme know what you think." The other three men proceeded to approach and smell the air around me. A chill ran up my spine as they drew closer.

"He smells like that new guy. The runner we just brought in a few days ago."

"That's what it was! I knew I didn't imagine it. If that guy has ties to this place, then that means we got us a spy in our group."

Wait, their 'group'? 'That new guy' from a few days ago? Oh no, this can't mean what I think... Were these people a part of Aogiri? I had no way of identifying who could be a Ghoul or human, unlike Touka and Hide who could tell by their sense of smell just like these people had just done. This is bad; I have to get out of here before they make a move.

"Oh, w-well I see a lot of people between here and college, I'm sure it's just a coincidence. If that's all I'm just going to get back to work," I said as I attempted to step out of the circle they had formed around me. This only made them move closer, trapping me.

"I don't think so, kid. Coincidence or not, we can't ignore this. Grab him and let's get back. The boss is gonna want to know about this ASAP." His goons grabbed my arms, their fingers digging into my skin.

"Ahh! Let go of me! I don't want to go anywhere with you!"

Naki turned to face me again, a smirk on his face. "Heh, you think you have an option here? Don't think so highly of yourself!" He punched me in the face as he finished speaking, blood spurting from my nose as my vision blurred. My legs gave out on me, but the hands that had held me in place prevented me from hitting the floor. In a daze, I was carried out of Anteiku, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever see it again.

* * *

I woke up in an unfamiliar room. Bringing my hand up to my face, I felt the area that Naki had hit, and pain answered back. My left eye had swollen shut and I'm sure my nose was broken as well. I sat up and saw that I had been left on the floor with nothing more than some thin, worn blankets between myself and the cold concrete. Had they brought me back to Aogiri? If that's the case, maybe I'd find Hide here. But would searching for him be the best plan? No, if Naki had identified Hide's scent on me, then they'd likely suspect him of spying on the group. Right now, Hide was in more danger than I was.

A knock on the door brought my attention to the other end of the room. Light poured in as the person on the other side opened the door and stepped through. Momentarily blinded, I couldn't tell who had just walked in. Their silhouette was still dark against the bright background behind them. It was only when they spoke that I realized who it was. I'd heard that voice only a few times, but it was distinct.

"Kaneki, Kaneki, how did you manage to find yourself in yet another dangerous Ghoul situation? First, Rize's unfortunate accident, and now a prisoner of Aogiri Tree. The Ghoul world doesn't suit you. What wild ideas must have been floating in your head to think you could associate with us as equals?"

As my good eye adjusted to the light in the room, the person's image became clear. My sight confirmed who my hearing had identified immediately.

"S-Sir... Mr. Mado?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Including Sasaki Haise as a character in Takatsuki's novel was an interesting addition which comes into play later. 
> 
> -Cameo by the White Suits and Naki.


	26. Chapter 26

"Y-You're a Ghoul?!"

My boss, Mr. Mado, looked harsh as he approached me. It was rare that I saw him in the store, but he never seemed to be an intimidating figure. But he had me shrinking away from him until my back pressed against the wall behind me.

"Is that so hard to believe? Is it because I blended in so well, posing as the kind, elderly store owner? Oh, but wait," he said as he leaned in close to my face. He grabbed my chin in his hand and shoved my head against the wall, holding me still. With his other hand, he pinched his fingers against the bridge of my nose and twisted it. A hot flash of pain seared across my face as I cried out for him to stop.

"It would have been unfortunate if your broken nose healed crooked like that. I did you a favor straightening it out for you," Mado said as he hastily pushed his hand off my chin and stood back up. "Your looks may be the only thing that keep you alive here, after all. Wouldn't want you at a disadvantage from the start." Some of my blood smeared across his fingers. With a flick of his tongue, he tasted it and reacted as though he'd just sampled his favorite dish.

"My my, that is a delicious flavor. I'll have to make my rules even more clear to the other prisoners. You taste so good; they may not be able to avoid killing you."

I gingerly touched my nose as breathing had become painful, so I started to breathe through my mouth instead.

"What do you mean? Where am I?"

"Kaneki, this is a prison for Ghouls that have either betrayed Aogiri Tree or made the wrong choice when asked to join us. For the latter, we keep them here until they make a better decision on where they align themselves. My word is law here, so if I tell them that this one insignificant human isn't to be killed, they'd better take it very seriously. You'll be the lesson that Anteiku learns for inserting themselves into our affairs."

"So you're a member of Aogiri Tree too? Why run a store that caters to the humans you feel are so inferior?"

Mado let out a low chuckle at my question. I didn't see what was amusing about it. "Your favorite little coffee shop, Anteiku, does the same thing, why shouldn't I? And I'm not merely a member, Kaneki. I'm one of the leaders of Aogiri Tree. I expect that your friend Nagachika will be coming back in a week from the latest errand we sent him on. I wonder how much information he was able to steal and relay to Anteiku?"

"Hide? You know about him? If you know that he's spying on your group, why aren't you doing anything to stop it?"

"It doesn't matter, by the time they realize where you are and come here to retrieve you, we'll be long gone and whatever data he collected will be useless. The only thing they'll succeed in doing is destroying one frail human that they seem to hold dear. I wonder if you can even last a week. Perhaps you can try to prove me wrong."

All I could do was stare blankly in front of me, shivering from the coldness of the cell and the reality of the situation I was now in. Tears flooded my eyes, blinking sent them falling over the edge of my eyelids and down my cheeks.

"I'll visit you again soon, Kaneki, I've got other matters to attend to now." He turned away and walked towards the door, then stopped and turned on his heel to face me once again. "Oh, by the way... When I mentioned that the others were prohibited from killing you, that doesn't mean that you'll be safe. If it doesn't result in your death, they are free to treat you as they wish. So, I'd suggest not making any enemies in here. Good luck."

"Wait, wait, you can't be serious! Please don't do this!" My voice cracked as I strained it by screaming for him to come back. He ignored my pleas and opened the door, the light from beyond it illuminated the room and myself briefly. As he slowly closed the door, the shadows overtook the space once more. The last sliver of brightness disappeared across my face once it shut.

The door stayed unlocked after Mado left, but I couldn't will myself to move from my spot on the floor. Not after he had informed me of what to expect from the other occupants of this prison. I thought the darkness of this room would hide me from them, but I soon realized that it only gave them the advantage. Hours after Mado's visit, I heard the doorknob squeal, metal scraping metal as it turned. That sound scared me more than who was on the other side. Knowing hope was the only thing I had left to hold onto, I called out to the one that I had to put all my faith in to save me.

"Hide..."

* * *

**Nine Days Later**

_**Hide** _

"I should stop at Anteiku to update them on how things are going so far. But it's been so long since I've seen Kaneki, they'll understand if I go home first," I said as I walked down our street. I looked up the side of our apartment building, counting the floors until I found our window. Sometimes I could see Kaneki watching from it. He was always waiting for me to return. I realize how unfair that is for him, so once this mission is over, I'll let them know I need a break. It'll be best for both of us to have some time to ourselves. I didn't see him in the window this time, so it looks like I'll be able to surprise him.

As I unlocked our door and stepped in, I expected to find him standing there ready to hold me like he'd done each time before. But he wasn't, and my stomach twisted as though I'd been punched, worry set in immediately.

"Kaneki? I'm back! You in the bathroom?" I checked each room, finding them all unoccupied. I wondered if he was at work since it was too late for classes. I pulled out my phone and hit his speed dial.

"Hide?! Where the **FUCK** are you right now?!" was the answer I got when the line picked up.

"Who's this? Touka, is that you? Why are you answering Kane-"

"He's gone, Hide! They took him right out of Anteiku after your last call-in, and his phone was in the bag he left behind at the store. We've done everything we could think of, but haven't found any leads on where he was taken!"

"My last call-in? You mean he's been missing for ten days?! Where are you right now? Is everyone at Anteiku?"

"Yes, we were waiting for you to get in touch since we couldn't contact you directly while you were out there."

My legs gave out from under me as I hit the floor. "It has to be Aogiri, who else would have come after us? I'm on my way, don't do anything else until I get there." I hung up before hearing her reply and tried to will myself back on my feet. This wasn't the time to be paralyzed with fear. He's been missing for so long; I had to get moving and find him.

On my way out I looked towards the kitchen and noticed some thick black writing across the dry-erase board on our fridge. I rushed in there to see what it said.

_You're losing a little more of him with each minute that passes. Hurry. 182 W. Requiem_

I took a picture of the note and sent it to Kaneki's phone with a message. _"Change of plans, I'm going to get him now."_

I'm not sure who wrote it, but I'm not going to waste any more time. Even if it's a trap, I've got to get there and save him.

The building at 182 W. Requiem was an unassuming warehouse on the outside, but for this time of day, there should have been more activity on the outside. It didn't take much to get inside, where the space was broken up into several spacious rooms and hallways. It had the resemblance of a medical office, the scent of heavy disinfectant lingered in the air attempting to mask the rotten stench beneath it.

I quickly moved around to each room, once the others got here they could go into more detail. I was only looking for one thing, and so far, I hadn't found him. I noticed a closed door with a light shining through the bottom edge. I crept up, tried the handle and found it unlocked. I swung the door open and rushed in, my kagune ready to defend or attack whatever I saw.

"Well, Mr. Nagachika, I've been wondering how you've been doing. It appears you've adapted to your new body well; I'm quite pleased." The man that I found wore a white lab coat, his eyes watched the three kagune tendrils I had summoned.

"Dr. Kanou, after all this time, this is where I find you? Are you with Aogiri Tree?"

"Yes, we both share a similar worldview on the position Ghouls have in this society. To me, Ghouls are a part of humanity's natural evolutionary process. They see Ghouls as a superior race to us humans, and I agree. My goal is to bring the two together, a superior being with the strengths of both species."

I clenched my fists tightly, "So this wasn't some random accident... You intentionally changed me into this monster!"

Kanou nodded, "You were my first success, Nagachika. The culmination of all my years of research lies in you."

Unable to restrain myself any longer, I charged at him and punched him across the face. He dropped to the floor quickly as I leaned over him, continuing my barrage of fists.

"Success?! You call this monster you created a success?! Why did it have to be me? Things were going so well, what gave you the right to force this on me?!" I stopped hitting him, waiting for a response.

"Honestly, it didn't matter if it was you or someone else. All I needed was a body to test out my latest research. Yours just happened to arrive on my operating table that night. If that other young man had been brought to my room instead, it would have been him. I'm not picky when it comes to guinea pigs, as long as you produce the results I want to see, I could care less who you are or what you want."

I screamed out loud and started to punch him again, my fear and frustration being purged against this man's face. I would have ended up killing him if Touka hadn't shown up and pulled me back.

"This isn't the time for that; you have someone else who needs you even more than you need to do this, right? I'll take care of this guy; you go save Kaneki!"

I looked at Touka, my rage subsiding as I realized she was right. I took a deep breath and stood up as she let go of my wrist.

"Thank you," was all I could say before running off to search for Kaneki again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -The revelation of Mado as a Ghoul and the main villain was sudden but made so much sense for the story I was wanting to tell. His sanity was questionable as a Ghoul Investigator, I didn’t see it being too far out of character if he switched sides.
> 
> -This is the first time the point of view moves away from Kaneki to Hide. I would have liked to keep it to one person, but it would have been impossible to tell the story properly otherwise.
> 
> -"182 W. Requiem” Reference to the movie ‘Requiem for a Dream,’ which also has characters with happy beginnings fall on tragic times.


	27. Chapter 27

_**Hide** _

I shook my hands as I ran out of the room, trying to get as much of that bastard's blood off me as possible. I'd gotten the answers I was looking for, but I needed to put that issue aside. Kaneki required my full attention now. If Touka is here, then there should be others from Anteiku as well. I'll worry about meeting up with them later.

Suddenly, I heard a crowd of people coming towards me, and as I turned the corner, I was met by dozens of Ghouls in varying states of health.

"We're free! It doesn't matter why they let us out, keep fuckin' moving and get outside before they change their minds!" said one of the men that ran past me.

If they were all heading towards the exit, then I was going the right way to get to Kaneki. I fought through the sea of people until the hallway ended at a staircase and elevator corridor. I took the stairs down to the next level and started checking rooms again. From what that guy said, it sounded like this place was used for holding Ghouls captive. The rooms were filthy with heavy doors that locked from the outside, and little to no furniture within. I left one room and was about to walk through the doorway of the next when a voice broke the silence.

"I was wondering when you'd eventually get here, dear Hide."

I turned to see Tsukiyama Shuu watching me. "What the hell are you doing here, Tsukiyama?"

"Aogiri Tree approached me after I left the club the other night wanting to recruit me. When I told them no, they didn't take it very well and attacked me, _en masse_. I woke up here and was told to make myself comfortable while I rethink my options. I've no desire to work with their kind, so I've just been biding my time. Once I realized who else occupied this place, I knew it'd only be a matter of time before you showed up. Although I must say that I'm surprised. The last time we met, you were just an ordinary human, and yet now you have the scent of that gluttonous female Ghoul about you."

Tsukiyama was a Ghoul? I never had a reason to question who around me could be hiding as a Ghoul in plain sight. But to think someone like that was so close this whole time.

"My situation isn't your concern. Wait, does that mean you've seen Kaneki here?!" I remembered the times that Tsukiyama interfered with Kaneki and me and angrily pushed him against the wall, shoving my elbow against his throat. "Where is he?!"

"You should act more appreciative than this, Hide. He'd be in much worse shape if I didn't intervene when I found him. Do you know what they were doing to him before I got here? Some of the other prisoners didn't mind bragging about it when I showed interest in the boy. They told me that as long as he wasn't killed, they could do anything they wanted to him. I'll spare you the gruesome details they provided me, Hide, but rest assured, those so-called men are no longer drawing breath. A gentleman doesn't let filth like that continue living."

"Why should I believe any of this? You have just as much reason to hurt him to get to me, right?"

"That's true; I could have ignored the fact that they were abusing him in so many sickening ways, or even joined in myself. But I didn't. I'll go to great lengths to steal a lover from you or ruin your chance at happiness with someone. But I've never physically injured anyone you cared for to get back at you, and I won't lower myself to do that now. It's you I want to hurt, not Kaneki."

I dropped my elbow and backed away from him. My mind was a mess as I tried to avoid thinking of what they'd done to Kaneki in here over the last ten days. I kept hearing my inner voice say that I'd failed him again. My actual voice was deceptively calm. "Where can I find him?"

"If he didn't get moved or try to escape with the rest, he should be at the end of the next hallway to the left. I doubt that he'd try to leave in his... condition, however. With our past, Hide, it's no secret that I've wanted to hurt you and cause you pain. But what happened here has nothing to do with us. There's no way for me to get any enjoyment out of this situation. No point in it if he doesn't even know you."

"If who doesn't know me? What do you mean?"

Tsukiyama brushed the front of his clothes off with his hands and started walking towards the stairs. "You'll see for yourself. Good luck, Hide."

I felt even more confused than I did before I ran into him. But he sounded sincere enough for me to believe his directions to where Kaneki was, so I continued and made the left at the hallway. I saw the last door at the end of the corridor, but someone was standing in front of it.

"Nagachika, it's been a while since I've seen you. Even if you quit, you could still come by Mado's now and then. Kaneki misses you. At least I _think_ he still misses you. It's a little hard to tell now."

"Mr. Mado?" The scent in the air wasn't human, the person standing between myself and Kaneki was undeniably a Ghoul. "Why are you here?"

"To teach you a lesson in respect and authority. Did you think I wouldn't notice someone like yourself coming into my group to spy on us?"

"Your group? So, you're a member of Aogiri Tree?"

"Not just a mere member, I'm its current leader. I suppose you didn't get very far in your investigation if you didn't learn that yet."

Putting aside the fact that he posed as a human and our boss, he was the reason Kaneki was here. I released my kagune and got prepared to fight. Mado laughed as he watched me get ready.

"Ahh, so you want to handle this with force then? I'll play for a little while, but I have prior engagements, so I'll only indulge you for a moment." He let out his kagune, which looked like a replica of my own.

"How is that possible?"

"You truly are a novice, aren't you? I can alter my kagune to take on the appearance of any that I've seen before. The only limit is my imagination! I consider myself a collector of kagune and only add the ones I find most impressive to my arsenal, so you'll really have to wow me with yours if you want me to keep this one for myself."

I charged ahead and lashed my tendrils out at Mado, who parried them easily with his own. I was letting my anger get the better of me and not putting any thought into my attacks. He picked up on it and countered everything I sent at him.

"This is going far worse than I expected. Did you learn anything from your Ghoul friends at Anteiku? Some of them are quite gifted, giving credit where it's due. I suppose they aren't the best teachers, however."

He knew how to feed my frustration, and with a sharp yell, I ran head-on towards him and body-checked him with enough force to break through the wall behind us. As we both stood up in the new room, I shook off the debris that had gathered on me and prepared to attack again.

"Careful, Nagachika. You wouldn't want to accidentally harm any innocent bystanders. That'd be a real tragedy for you. Killing the one you came here to save."

His words brought my attention to the room. I noticed something in the far corner, and as I got closer, it took on a human shape. Cowering in the corner, in a tattered black shirt and dirt-smeared white shorts, was Kaneki.

"Kaneki!" I ignored Mado entirely and fell to my knees by his side. He faced the wall with his arms over his head in a protective gesture. As I looked closer, his arms were riddled with bite marks, bruises, and filthy bandages. Several of the wounds had grown red with infection. They'd been taking small bites from him. Enough to get a taste but not enough to kill. I put my hand on his shoulder and felt him tremble under my touch. The most shocking change had to be his hair. It had gone from flat black to a stark white. When I was tortured by Yamori, my hair had streaks of white for a short time. I learned it was a reaction to the trauma I had endured. Tears filled my eyes as I realized that Kaneki was in much worse shape than I could imagine.

Mado approached and lingered over me as I looked at Kaneki. "We'll have to play again soon, Nagachika. I'd suggest you take him and go. It would seem that someone tipped off the local authorities about this place. Consider this your only warning, to you and your group of coffee drinking pacifists: Let every day you see this scarred, broken human remind you not to shake the Tree again."

I heard his footsteps fade as I turned Kaneki gently to face me. Aside from some bruising, his face was dirty but untouched. He avoided eye contact and shook uncontrollably when I touched him.

"Kaneki, I'm here! It's going to be okay! We have to leave, so I'm going to need you to stand up. Kaneki, did you hear me?"

A hushed and cracked voice answered, "I-I don't know who that is. I'm S-Sasaki Haise. Who are you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -I wanted to include more of Hide's past involving Tsukiyama but couldn't find the right place to add it to the story, so I’ll share it here. Tsukiyama had been seeing a man that he was slowly preparing as a gourmet meal. The man met Hide and left Tsukiyama for him soon after, even though Hide never showed interest in him or accepted his confession. Tsukiyama took offense to Hide stealing his man and meal and swore to ruin any of Hide's future relationships as a result. This is why he has such a grudge against Hide throughout the story.
> 
> -I wanted to have a parallel to Mado's obsession with Quinque weapons and found it with the way he tends to 'collect' kagune styles.


	28. Chapter 28

_**Hide** _

"N-No, that's not who you are! You're Kaneki Ken, okay? We have to go now, so please stand up!" When he finally did look at me, his eyes reflected no sign of recognition. When he looked at me, he saw a stranger.

"I-I can't." I was so preoccupied with the condition of his arms that I didn't notice his legs. They attacked him more viciously there, likely to keep him from running away.

I bent down and put my back towards him. "Here, wrap your arms around my neck, I'll carry you." I didn't want to scare him more, but if Mado was telling the truth, we didn't have much longer before the police arrived. "Please Sasaki, trust me and let me help you get out of here!"

His arms weakly wrapped around my shoulders as he leaned against my back. Picking him up took little effort. He'd lost weight since I'd last seen him. Once I had him securely held, I rushed out the door and back the way I came. One of the closed doors I'd passed earlier was now open. Glancing in to make sure there weren't any other Aogiri Ghouls that could attack us on the way out, I saw another person on the ground. They were human, judging by the smell, although there was a strong Ghoul scent surrounding them. Knowing I should be prioritizing our escape above all else, I couldn't help but feel for any other humans that were kept here like Kaneki.

"Hey, this is your chance to get out. I can't carry you, but if you can walk you can follow me," I said from the doorway.

"Mama told me to be a good boy and stay here. I don't want to make Mama mad again." They also had white hair, though it wasn't a result of trauma. When I saw his sharp, crimson eyes, I realized he was albino. He didn't have wounds like Kaneki had either, but instead red stitches sewn into his skin in random patterns.

"C'mon kid, Mama will understand if you leave. She wouldn't be mad at you for going somewhere safe, right? Just follow me, and we'll get out of here!" I reached out my free hand to show him I wanted to help, my eyes pleading for him to get up and move.

He shook his head once more, "I promised Mama I'd wait for her."

Just as I was about to grab his wrist and drag him behind me, Touka appeared in the doorway.

"We gotta leave, the police are almost here!" She looked at Kaneki briefly, "He passed out, that should make it easier to get away. Put your damn mask on and keep his face covered as well. We can't let them identify any of us!" She ran off before noticing the boy I was trying to save.

I looked at the pale teenager one more time, my eyes stinging with hot tears. "Please..."

"I'll be okay, Mama will make sure no one hurts me, just like she always does. I'm Suzuya; maybe we'll meet again soon."

I withdrew my hand and used it to wipe my eyes dry. I released my kagune and used them to hold Kaneki against my back while I put my mask on. After that, I spread them out to shield him from sight. Suzuya watched in awe but still didn't make a move to escape.

"I can only hope, kid. Stay safe." My frustration overwhelmed me as I started running for the exit again. I know I didn't owe him anything, but what kind of person could I say I am if I didn't try to save him? I already questioned my humanity on a daily basis. I didn't need another reason to feel like a monster.

* * *

"I treated his bite wounds and leg injuries and got him cleaned up. I gave him some sedatives to help him rest more comfortably. His physical state aside, there isn't much I can do for the psychological trauma he's endured. It'll take time for him to feel safe enough to emerge from this other personality he created to cope with his situation."

"So he made this 'Sasaki Haise' person up as a defense mechanism? Is there anything I can do to help Kaneki come back?"

Yoshimura only shook his head, "He'll need time to recover, but I think it would be good for him to see that he has support and security. It'll be a while until he can walk on his own again. Perhaps you can use that as an opportunity to bond with him and slowly show him glimpses of Kaneki's life. It's not guaranteed to bring him back, but it could help him to eventually remember. Just take it slow with him. He's been through a tremendous ordeal; more stress could regress him even further."

"He's using the name of the main character in Eto's latest book," Touka said as she approached us. "He was reading it the day he was taken. Since that story was fresh in his mind, that may be why he chose that name. He said he sympathized with the character, so he must have felt they had something in common to adopt his persona."

I wasn't familiar with the book or the character. I'd been away so much lately I wasn't sure of anything about Kaneki's daily life anymore. Thankfully, I have no reason to leave now that I got my answers from Kanou. But the cost of resolving that was too high, and I wasn't even the one who paid for it.

"I... Can I see him? I won't wake him, but could I sit with him for a while?"

"Certainly, take all the time you need. We'll be downstairs in the cafe if you need anything." Yoshimura and Touka left as I advanced to Kaneki's room. I quietly stepped in and shut the door. Kaneki had an IV drip attached to deliver nutrients and medicine to his body, as well as treat him for severe dehydration. Despite his condition, he appeared to be resting comfortably. I took a seat next to his bed and reached for his hand. It was cold, his skin felt dry and rough, the nails ragged and cracked. I couldn't hold my feelings in any longer and lurched forward out of the chair and went down on my knees beside his bed.

"I'm... I'm so sorry, Kaneki," I sobbed as I held his damaged hand up against my cheek. "You didn't deserve any of this. It should have been me. Why are you the only one to carry all of our scars?"

I kneeled there and cried until my eyes dried up and I exhausted myself. He was the only one that ever saw me at my weakest moments. It was a relief to cry, and I felt like I could approach this with a more level mind now.

"Y-You must miss him."

Surprised, I jumped to my feet to see that Kaneki was awake, his sleepy eyes watching me warily.

"Kan... Err, Sasaki. I'm glad to see you're awake. How are you feeling?"

"I'm still tired, and a lot of me is aching. I don't recall your name, even though you rescued me. I-I'm sorry for that."

"No, don't say you're sorry. My name is Nagachika Hideyoshi, but you can call me Hide."

He nodded in response, "It's nice to meet you, Hide. I don't think I thanked you for your help either. Thank you for saving me. I'm not sure why I was being kept there, but it didn't seem to be a nice place."

"It wasn't, Sasaki. You don't have to worry about it anymore; you're safe here."

"Where is 'here,' if you don't mind me asking?"

"You're at Anteiku. It's a coffee shop that helps people that... are in need of assistance sometimes. Just like you were before. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but it's better if you rest for now. There'll be plenty of time to talk later. I'll be close if you need anything, Sasaki." I started to walk away, then felt a hand grab my sleeve.

"P-Please, call me Haise. And, would you mind just sitting here with me for a while? If you have things to do then don't worry, but..."

"No, I'll stay if that's what you want, Haise." I returned to the chair and watched him get comfortable in bed again. He broke the silence once more after he'd settled in and closed his eyes.

"Why did you save me, Hide? Was it because I look like the one you were searching for?"

I wasn't expecting that question from him so soon. I wasn't sure how to approach it. Should I tell him directly about Kaneki and who he really is? I should have discussed this with Yoshimura more thoroughly. He did say that any more stress could make it worse.

"In a way, yes. I'm not sure how much you remember about what happened there, but Kaneki was the reason I went in there in the first place. But I found and saved you. When you're feeling better, I'll explain things in more detail, but for now, it's best that you save your strength."

Haise nodded and pulled the covers up to his chin, something I never saw Kaneki do in all the times we slept together. He hated being completely covered and spent most nights with at least one arm and leg hanging out of the sheets. Just how much of him changed when he became Haise?

"I hope you find him, your friend Kaneki. You must care about him a lot," Haise said as his eyes grew heavy and he drifted off to sleep once again.

Tears flooded my eyes once again, and I was relieved that he had fallen asleep before seeing them. "More than you'll ever know, Haise. Far more than you can imagine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Here's where the mention of Sasaki Haise comes back into play as Kaneki's alternate personality. I wanted to include his duality of personalities and the struggle he faced over which one he should accept, even though he wasn't a Ghoul.
> 
> -I had considered having Kaneki be turned into a half-Ghoul by Kanou while he was in the Aogiri prison, but later decided against it.
> 
> -"Why are you the only one to carry all of our scars?" This line was one that weighed heavily on me after I wrote it.


	29. Chapter 29

_A black and white checkered floor. Shadows surrounded the edge of an expansive room. A single chair left in the middle with a single person sitting there. Their identity concealed within those shadows. Approaching them, I'm halted by a barrier I can't see but can feel when I push my hands out in front of me. They know that I'm here now, standing up from their seat as they walk towards me. As they get closer, there are brief moments when a light strong enough to keep the shadows at bay can be seen. In those moments I see a young man, his hair dark and neatly trimmed. He keeps his eyes focused on the ground and stops several feet away from the invisible border._

_As he slowly raises his face to look at me, I see his cheeks are wet with tears. He finally speaks with a tremble in his voice as I try my hardest to recognize him._

_"Don't forget me."_

_Suddenly, his face twists in a horrifying display of pain and a flash of light makes everything change. I'm in a different room, and even though I know I'm not physically there, I can still feel the chill in the air. I'm back in the place where I was found. Only I'm not alone, there are several men near me, reaching towards me with evil intent on their minds. Their hands are pulling me towards them as I cry out for help. One of them slaps their hand over my mouth, muffling my voice as the rest of them continue their assault. All I see is their faces closing in over me, pushing me down and holding me captive. There's pain, shame, and despair in that room with me now. The light that I saw has gone dim. My fear of the dark was born here. It wasn't specifically the dark that I feared, but those who lurked within it._

Drenched in sweat, I sat up in bed with my chest heaving. My eyes were wet with tears that I wiped away with my pajama sleeve.

"Not again. Why is it the same nightmare over and over?" Since I was rescued from what I learned was a Ghoul prison by Hide, I've had this recurring dream several times a week. I never find out the identity of the black-haired boy or why he doesn't want to be forgotten. Those same cruel men have their way with me every time as well.

The real terror is trying to figure out if these scenes are real or fake. My memories don't go beyond that prison, and that scares me as much as the nightmares. I know I had a life before that point, but I can't remember any of it. It's like a part of me was broken away, and I'm struggling to find the pieces. But even if I find them, what will happen when I try to piece them back together again?

"Haise, it's me, are you up? We'll be leaving for your PT appointment soon," said Hide as he knocked gently on the door before entering. He saw my appearance and realized what happened. "You had that dream again, didn't you? Here, let's get you cleaned up, you can't be comfortable soaked in sweat like that."

"I wish I knew why it was the same thing every time, Hide. Or how I could stop them." I moved closer to the edge of the bed while Hide positioned the wheelchair next to it. This was our routine each morning since I left Anteiku and started staying with him three weeks ago. I was slowly regaining my ability to walk thanks to Hide taking me to my physical therapy sessions and working with me.

"I'm sure if you give it time, those dreams will eventually fade away. And up we go!" Hide said as he lifted me from the bed and transferred me to the chair. The brief moments when he holds me bring me this odd feeling of happiness. It's something I looked forward to whenever it was time for me to get up for the day. His strong arms and the warmth of his body were comforting after waking up in terror so many times.

Hide pushed me to the bathroom, where he helped me bathe before getting me dressed to go out. I enjoyed those moments too, although I felt guilty for Hide having to go through so much trouble for me. But he never complained or looked inconvenienced, so I didn't want to say something that would ruin our little routine. But even though he had told me that he'd explain things in bigger detail when I first woke up, whenever I ask, he avoids the subject. I suppose he doesn't want to say anything to spoil the current situation, either.

"Okay, everything should be good to go, let's get you back on your feet again!"

"You are far too cheerful over this. But I do appreciate the motivation. It's been tough, but you make it easier to handle."

"Anything I can do to help, you know that," Hide replied as he pushed me out the door and locked up.

"Hide, can we make a deal this time? If I finish all my exercises today without falling, will you answer my questions about what happened at the prison?"

He stopped the chair, and I didn't need to look back to know that he had that sad, serious expression he gets when I bring this subject up.

"Yeah, I will." He started moving again, but was unusually silent as we made our way to the therapy building. I wondered if I had made a mistake asking that. But once we started my exercises, he was back to normal again.

The parallel bars were my last routine for the day, and my hardest one to do. I had only made it halfway during the previous visits before my legs gave out. I did my best to focus on the end, where Hide was standing and shouting cheesy yet inspiring things to me. I made it past the middle, and even though my muscles were burning, I pushed forward, taking small and awkward steps until I was nearly at the end.

"You're doing great, Haise! Just a little further," Hide said as he clapped for me. I couldn't help but smile as I took the final steps and reached the end of the bars. I celebrated a little too soon, lost my grip on the bar and started to fall towards him. Hide dove forward and caught me in his arms well before I got close to the floor. Being held by him and staring into his eyes made my heart beat harder in my chest. For a moment it looked like he didn't want to let me go. We lingered in this awkward embrace a little longer, then he picked me up and carried me to the wheelchair.

"Uhh, oops. But that doesn't count, right? I did finish everything before I fell."

He gave a short laugh as he sat me back in my chair. "Yeah, I suppose you win. It's about time we talk about that stuff anyway. I just didn't want to say anything before you were ready. Let's get something to eat and then we'll talk at home."

"Yeah, sounds good." I knew that he wouldn't be able to join me for a real meal. One thing he didn't keep from me was the fact that he was a Ghoul. I knew what Anteiku was and that him getting something to eat meant stopping there for his own 'food.'

"Hello, Hide, and welcome back Haise, you look better every time I see you." The older man that owned the coffee shop, Dr. Yoshimura, took care of my injuries after I was found and set up my physical therapy sessions.

"Thank you, sir. I made it across the parallel bars today."

"Wonderful! Here, let me get you a cup of coffee, sounds like you could use an energy boost."

Hide interrupted him, "Sorry, we'll have to take a raincheck. We have a lot to discuss when we get home. I'm going to tell him what he wants to know."

Yoshimura set the cup back down and nodded his head, "I see. Are you sure you're prepared to tell him? Or that he's ready to hear it?"

"Yes, I think we're both ready. I just need to pick up some supplies from you."

The two of them retreated to the back room. The shop was busier today than the last time we stopped in. I suppose it was because the college classes had finished for the day. The girl at the counter kept her eye on me even while dealing with her influx of customers. She had introduced herself as Kirishima Touka shortly after I woke up. Her expression then was the same as it was now, concern mixed with sadness. A lot of the people at Anteiku give off that same feeling when they see me. They must be involved with my past, but I'm not sure what they expect when I can't remember any of it.

Hide and Yoshimura reappeared, and we quickly said our goodbyes and headed home. We stopped at an intersection and waited for the pedestrian light to turn.

"Did you want to get the bento from that corner shop again? You must have worked up an appetite after all that activity today. You should celebrate with something tasty."

"It's not necessary to go out of the way, Hide, I'm not that hungry right now," I said as I scratched the edge of my chin lightly.

"You can't fool me, Haise, I know that isn't true," he replied as he watched me move my hand away from my face, "My treat today, what do you want?"

"Well, if you're insisting, a hamburger meal sounds good."

"I thought so, that was always your fav... Erm, yeah, n-not a bad choice. I know where to find the best one in this part of town too!" He got us moving again and continued to talk nervously until we got to the shop and picked up my dinner.

Once we got back to his apartment, he set up the food and wheeled me up to the table. He sat across from me with nothing but a cup of coffee in front of him. I knew he had once been human, capable of eating this same food. But now it was impossible for him to stomach it, and it made me feel bad to eat it in front of him. As hungry as I was, my mind wanted to be sated before my body.

"Hide, why was I in the Ghoul prison?"

He took in a deep breath and sighed. "Straight to the point, that's another difference that's easy to pick up between the two of you. I'll give you your answers, but you should eat first. It's going to take a while, and some of what I say may not sit well on an empty stomach."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -And here we return to Kaneki/Haise's POV.
> 
> -"Those same cruel men have their way with me every time as well." Although it's never directly stated, it's heavily implied that Kaneki/Haise was sexually assaulted/raped while in the Ghoul prison.
> 
> -"I thought so, that was always your fav... Erm, yeah, n-not a bad choice." Hide almost slipping up by saying that he knew hamburger was his favorite meal was such a sweet yet sad moment for me. He wants to believe that Kaneki is still there but doesn't want to upset Haise.


	30. Chapter 30

Hide explained that he had been working with Anteiku to get information about the group Aogiri Tree and that I had been kidnapped when they found out that he was spying on them.

"I told you the truth when I said I had gone there looking for Kaneki. What I didn't say was that I did find him."

"Really?! If you found him, why were you so upset after you rescued me? You were crying your eyes out right next to my..." The words trailed off as I began to piece together the story. Knowing that I had it figured out, Hide continued.

"Haise, your real identity is Kaneki Ken. Because of the trauma you experienced at Aogiri's prison, your mind created this new personality to cope with your situation. You lost all your memories as Kaneki when that happened. Yoshimura is unsure whether they'll return. All we can do for you now is give you time to heal, both physically and mentally."

As fast as my mind was racing, I couldn't put any of it into words to respond. I have no reason to doubt him, but I have no recollection of this person he claims that I am.

"Y-You found him, yet still lost him. You must have been so disappointed when it was only me there."

"Hey, hey! Not at all! I admit it was a shock to find out what happened, but I don't regret anything I did for you, Haise."

"What was he to you? Ever since you found me, I've only seen you sad and miserable because of his absence. What kind of friendship did you have with him to be affected so much?"

Hide paused in thought, "He was my closest friend, my lover, my whole world. Before I met him, I didn't believe in unconditional love. Without knowing much about me, he loved me without hesitation or doubt. I hurt him in so many ways, but he still cared about me. Even after I became a Ghoul, his love didn't waver. He was the strength I needed to get through those hard times. Kaneki made me feel complete, and not having him with me has left such a void in my heart. I try to keep a smile on my face because I know that's what he'd do for me. But I'm not as strong as he is. I never was, even before I changed."

His words were sweet yet painful, speaking of a person I didn't know. "All this time I've been staying here with you... Seeing me every day walking around with his face. Just how cruel can you be to yourself?! Why would you put yourself through that kind of heartache, seeing some stranger in your lover's body?! I've been the source of your sadness all this time!" I grabbed the handles on the wheelchair and started pushing myself away from the table, intent on leaving.

"No! Please don't go!" Hide jumped up from the table and stood in front of me. "You have no reason to feel bad about this, Haise. You aren't responsible for my happiness, okay? So just calm down and we'll finish our conversation. I'm sure there's more you want to know."

My head started to ache as tears began to flow down my face. I whimpered as I clutched my head in my hands and shut my eyes tight. Hide's voice started to trail off, like a fading echo.

_I'm back in that cavernous room again. This time I'm already facing the black-haired young man. He isn't crying, just watching me silently._

_"I see he's told you. Will you let me go now?"_

_"Let you go? What makes you think I'm the one keeping you here? I don't even know who you are!"_

_The young man stepped away and pointed to me. "You're a tourist, spending time in my place. All tourists eventually go back where they came from. Haise, don't forget me. I don't want to disappear. He needs me."_

_"A-Are you..."_

_Before I can finish speaking, my eyes start to blur again as everything goes black. Hide's voice is echoing still, growing louder this time._

"Haise! Hey, snap out of it! Goddammit, I wouldn't have told you if I knew this would happen!"

I must have fallen out of my chair, because when I came to, I was laying on the floor near the table, with Hide holding my upper body up against him.

"Haise?! Hold on; I'm going to call Dr. Yoshimu-"

"Don't." I interrupted as he pulled his phone from his pocket. "It's not necessary, I only fainted. I'm okay now."

"Like Hell you're okay! This is what we were afraid would happen if we told you anything about your past."

I pushed away from him and dragged myself towards my chair. My arms were healed and stronger than my legs, so it wasn't difficult to get myself seated in it again. "I want to know more about him, this person I'm supposed to be."

Hide stared at me as he sat on the floor, then stood up and walked over to me. "I can show you parts of his life, if you'll let me. I need to ask you this though. Do you want to get those memories back?"

He made a good point. The person I am now would cease to exist if Kaneki came back. "Would you hold it against me if I said no? What if it's better for me to leave that person behind? If terrible things happened to him, enough to forget everything, would it be good for me to remember it at all?"

I was hurting him again, and I knew it. But I don't want to disappear any more than the boy in the room does. There's no way I could be Kaneki. The person Hide described wouldn't cause him this much pain. I'm Sasaki Haise, and for now, I want to stay Haise even if it is selfish of me.

"Whatever you think is best, Haise. I-I'm gonna get a shower before I eat," Hide said quietly as he walked away, defeated.

There was an ache in my heart as I watched him go. It wasn't fair to be caught in the middle like this. Not fair at all for me to have these feelings grow for someone who's in love with someone else.

"Hey, Hide," I called out before he closed the bathroom door.

"Yes?"

"I'm not sure if it's for the best, but will you show me who Kaneki was anyway? It may end up hurting, but I feel it's still important to know. He may have left a void in your life, but I have no past and barely anything in the present. Maybe if I see those parts of his life, then I'll feel less empty with my own."

"I can. Good night, Haise."

* * *

Hide waited a couple of weeks before taking me on his first 'Kaneki field trip.' He wanted me to go through more physical therapy and get checked out by Yoshimura before going anywhere. I obliged him and improved enough to walk with a crutch. Yoshimura didn't find anything wrong to prevent this either, so here we were, walking into the local movie theater.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" I asked Hide as he finished buying our tickets.

"Yeah. This is where I first admitted my feelings to Kaneki. If there are any memories to find, I'm sure they'd be here." We went into the theater where I followed Hide up to the very top row of seats. I took it slow with my crutch. As always, Hide waited patiently for me to catch up. The room was nearly empty as we sat in the middle two seats.

As the movie began, I spent less time watching the screen and more of it watching Hide. If this is where they first realized their feelings for each other, then something other than the movie was the key to unlocking that memory. I'm sure he knew I was watching him, but he kept his eyes forward and his left arm on the rest between us. I looked at his hand, gripping the end of the armrest nervously. It's like he was restless and wanted to put his hand somewhere else.

_A flash of an image went through my mind. I saw his hand move over to my thigh. He slowly ran his fingers up my leg, the sensation they left behind sent chills through me._

Was this something I experienced as Kaneki? My breath caught in my chest as the flashback continued.

_Just before Hide reaches his destination, his hand distorts, the colors surrounding it bleed away until only black, white, and gray are left. The hand is now gnarled and crooked, sliding up the leg of my shorts. It's no longer Hide I'm seeing next to me, but a faceless man with rough hands slipping into my underwear. I feel another hand against my mouth, preventing me from calling for help. That happy memory in the theater had devolved into the horrifying ordeal from my recurring nightmare. I fight against those hands, but it's a useless struggle. I scream against the palm sealing my voice and making it hard to take in air. The image starts to fade until I see light again._

I realized I was silently crying and shaking once I noticed I was back in the theater.

"Haise, what is it? Why are you crying?"

"I-I, the hands were real. The nightmare is real, it all happened!" I started to hyperventilate as Hide pulled me close.

"Shh, shh, calm down! It's not real; you're safe with me now. Come on; we're going back." He collected me into his arms and walked us out of the theater. It was hard to concentrate on what was going on, but eventually we were back at the apartment and Hide set me down on the couch and sat down next to me.

"I saw it, Hide. The hand you put on Kaneki's leg that night. Going there did bring back a memory."

"Maybe so, but you ended up having a panic attack with whatever you remembered afterwards. It's not worth it if you're going to suffer like this, Haise."

It wasn't like I could deny my reaction to seeing what had happened to me while I was held captive. This was one memory out of a ten-day span of time. Who knows what else could be unlocked with other attempts to learn more about Kaneki's life.

"You're trembling. Hold on, let me get you a blanket." I grabbed his arm before he could get up.

"P-Please don't go. Stay here with me for a little while. I'll be okay soon. Just don't leave me alone right now."

"Okay, I'm not going anywhere." Hide slipped out of my grip and slid his fingers around my own, holding my hand firmly as he pulled me against him. I squeezed his hand now and then to make sure he was still there as I dared to close my eyes once more. His presence calmed me enough to drift off to sleep. I fell asleep holding his hand, and as far as I know, he stayed true to his word and didn't leave my side that night.

It's so unfair, falling for someone I can never have.


	31. Chapter 31

Hide didn't feel comfortable helping me remember more of Kaneki's memories for a while after that night at the movies. I was doing better with my recovery physically, but I was still having flashbacks to scenes that didn't make any sense to me.

"Did he stay here with you? It doesn't look like you had anyone else living here before me."

"No, he had a apartment closer to the university. I spent most of my time there since it was convenient to school and... work." He'd told me that the former boss of he and Kaneki had turned out to be the leader of the group that Anteiku was investigating. Any mention of that job left a sour taste in his mouth.

I hoped that enough time had passed that my next question wouldn't get immediately shot down. "Would it be possible for us to go to his place?"

"I don't think that's a good idea, Haise. Who knows how you'd react to going there. Plus, we don't know if they have anyone watching that apartment to see if we go back."

"But they've made their point, right? Why would they waste time attacking again if they feel they succeeded in their warning? I just want to know more about the person I was. As much as I appreciate hearing the stories you tell about Kaneki; I feel this is something I need to see for myself." I clenched my hands and waited for his reply, expecting to appeal another denial. Hide just let out a sigh and dropped his shoulders.

"Okay, we'll go there. But as soon as you start having any problems, I'm getting you the hell out of there, you got that?"

Surprised by his sudden change of heart, I looked at him in shock. "Oh, yeah I understand. Thank you, Hide."

* * *

"I come by to clean it up and air it out once a week or so. I haven't moved anything around, so everything should be right where yo... eh, he left it," said Touka as she opened the door to Kaneki's apartment. She'd been keeping an eye on the place since she lived a few doors down.

"Thanks, Touka. Did you want to stay for a while?" Hide offered.

"Nah, I've got to get back to Anteiku for a shift. Just lock it up when you leave." She patted the two of us on the shoulder and walked out, closing the door behind her.

I started looking around the living room, paying attention to anything that could give me some insight to the young man that had lived here. There was a surprising lack of photos. I wondered if Kaneki wasn't the type to put his family or life on display or if there wasn't anything to show.

"Was he a secretive person, Hide?"

"In a way, yes. He guarded his feelings and his heart well. But if you managed to get past his defenses, he'd laugh and smile so easily and honestly." Hide grinned slightly as he reminisced on his past with Kaneki. His smile couldn't clear away the sadness in his eyes though.

I walked over to the bookshelf and started looking at the books he owned. It was an impressive collection, although dust had begun settling on them. There were quite a few by the same author that looked well-worn.

"Takatsuki Sen. He must have liked this author a lot," I said as I picked up the last book in the row and flipped it open.

"Yeah, she was his favorite. He was so nervous when he got to meet her for the first time."

"Was that when he got this signed? Was it at some bookstore event?"

Hide walked over and looked at the book I held open, showing him the signature on the inner cover. His brow furrowed, and his expression got more serious as he took the book from my hands and looked at the written words more closely.

"What the hell..." He walked off towards the kitchen and stopped in front of the refrigerator. I followed him and saw he was holding the book up to a dry erase board that was attached to the fridge.

"It's the same handwriting," I remarked as I compared the two. There was no mistaking it; the same person had written both messages. "But what does that mean, Hide? Why would his favorite author write a message like that here?"

"It means I have to speak to Yoshimura and the rest of Anteiku. Let's go."

* * *

After arriving at Anteiku, Hide and the owner went in the back to talk and had been there quite a while. I stayed up front with Touka and sipped on coffee while they handled their business. The door opened, and a short young woman with messy green hair walked in. She saw me and immediately began smiling.

"Ah! So good to see you again! I hope you enjoyed the latest story. You'll have to let me know your thoughts on it."

"I think it'd be better if we got to hear your story right now, Eto," said Hide as he reappeared from the back of the shop. He didn't look happy to see her at all.

"Let's go upstairs then; I don't want to make a scene here. You come too, dear," Eto said as she looked my way, "since I'm sure the reason I was summoned here again involves you."

I nodded and stood up, following them up to the second floor as we got situated in one of the sitting rooms. Hide sat next to me, his eyes staring down Eto.

"So I'm assuming you pieced together that I was the one that left the note in Kaneki's apartment? I'm surprised you didn't figure it out sooner, to be honest. So, what do you want to know?"

Hide grew angry, "What do we want to know?! How can you sit there and ask that so casually?! You knew that he was being held prisoner and tortured and all you did was leave a cryptic note? You knew and did nothing to save him! Are you a part of their group? Aogiri Tree?"

If Eto was affected by Hide's berating comments, she wasn't letting it show. "Part of them? Oh no, dear boy, I created the Tree. It was a long time ago, back when I was still just a Ghoul with no future in this world. Our kind was so strong, and yet we were treated with such cruelty and hate! I wanted an outlet for my frustration and rage. Creating Aogiri Tree gave me the opportunity to do that. But then I was given the opportunity to create a new life for myself. The life of a human writer. I was given a unique position to pour out all those emotions and feelings and turn them into stories that the world could relate to and understand. In my writing, I was able to tell the world how our kind struggled while still being able to maintain my freedom."

"Then what are you doing still working with them?"

"I haven't been involved with the current Aogiri Tree at all. It had grown well under my leadership and had amassed many who agreed with my past motivations. Once I realized that my human identity was special to me, I grew less involved with the group. Eventually, I left control of it to Mado, believing him to be capable of running it wisely. Recently, through Anteiku, I learned that I was wrong and that their current motives no longer aligned with my original reason for creating Aogiri Tree. Not wanting to jeopardize my human life, I avoided inserting myself into the situation directly. You may see that as selfish and cowardly, but if you knew how Ghouls really lived, you'd see that it's just a matter of survival."

Hide rested his head in his hands, his fingers rubbing at his temples. "Why not help us to stop them? You put yourself out there by leaving the note, why not do more? You know they're no good for anyone!"

"I know that, and if it doesn't endanger the life I've built, I'll assist you when needed. My only goal here is to ensure that the world doesn't return to targeting and criminalizing Ghouls just for living. If Anteiku is the best way to prevent that, then I'll support it when I can. I don't want you to think I'm heartless. It did trouble me greatly to find out what they'd done to you, Kaneki, but life can be cruel as much as it can be beautiful."

"That's not who I am, Miss Eto. I'm Sasaki Haise, not Kaneki."

Hide spoke up before Eto could, "He adopted the name of a character you created, Eto. The trauma that he suffered made him lose his original self and create a new life where he couldn't remember what they did to him."

Eto only stared at me; her previously calm expression seemed pained now. "I wasn't aware of that detail. I knew you'd been abused but didn't hear about this. I'm sorry, Haise."

I didn't know what to say back to her. If she had been in a position to keep me from becoming like this, then I should hate her, right? But how can I judge her actions or inactions when I don't even remember them? In the end, I just nodded and looked away.

"We have another issue to discuss," said Yoshimura, who hadn't said a word during this conversation until now. "Thanks to Aogiri's increased activity, it appears that the government has implemented a new division to the policing and investigation of Ghouls. The Commission of Counter Ghoul, or CCG. They've only just started actively working throughout the wards, so we don't know much about them. But they're investigating suspected Ghouls and what they call 'Ghoul Crimes.' This has the potential to start the same inhumane treatment we suffered in the past all over again. I'm suspicious of whether this was Aogiri's motive, to shake the human's world up to the point where they'd start fighting us. Maybe they wanted this to become a war. What do you think, Eto?"

"I'd say that it's a reasonable assumption. Mado doesn't mind spilling blood if it gets his point across. I used to believe that we were the superior species, so I understand his way of thinking. But that mindset is only going to destroy us all, and I've worked too hard to build a life where I'm happy. I won't let him take that away from me so easily. I'll do what I can from my side. Just don't do anything rash in the meantime." Eto stood up from her seat and walked to the door. "Haise, have you read the book that you adopted your name from yet?"

"No, I only just learned that he was a fan of your stories."

Eto nodded, "I see. Well, if you do read it, perhaps you'll notice the similarities that Sasaki and I share. We're both prone to making bad choices that affect those around us. Maybe that's the reason you chose that name. If you come to a point in time where a difficult choice must be made, keep in mind that one choice can cause a ripple that eventually becomes a tidal wave."


	32. Chapter 32

I found it challenging to read Eto's book after discovering the main character and I shared a name. Had Kaneki's mind created me because of this story? Despite her encouraging me to do so, I decided not to find out who the fictional Haise was. Doing so would just make me feel even more artificial. I was only a tourist in this body after all, a placeholder for someone else's life.

_Once again, I was brought before the dark-haired boy. I waited for him to speak, but he never did. He only watched me from behind his invisible barrier, sitting in that same wooden chair._

_"You're Kaneki, aren't you?"_

_"Yes. And you are my creation, Haise. You were born from my desperate attempt at survival to shield me from the abuse I faced in the Aogiri prison until I was rescued. But here I am, still confined and hidden away while you get to enjoy my life."_

_"You think I'm enjoying this?! I have no idea who any of these people around me are! Whenever someone approaches me, I don't know whether they're seeing me for the first time or if they've known this face for years. Do you know how awful it is not to have a past to look back on? No memories to share with other people? I only know as much as I'm_ _told, and not everyone is as forthcoming as Hide has been." Kaneki looked away at the mention of his name._

_"Did you want to see my past? How about the last ten days of my life before you took over? Your current situation is a sweet dream compared to that reality! There's a reason I broke myself apart, Haise, but I didn't intend for it to be permanent, I want this to be fixed so I can go back to him. Even though it's through your eyes, I can still see him. He's doing the best he can, but I know the pain he endures every day. If you could just let me go, I could make that go away."_

_"I'm not the one keeping you here! But I realize that for you to go back, I'd have to disappear. And I'm not... I'm not ready for that to happen."_

_Kaneki looked grim as he rested his hand against his forehead. "If you forget me, there'll be no chance of my return. We both want to live, but co-existing is impossible. Two minds can't exist within one body. I care about him too much for you to let me disappear, Haise. Whatever your reasons for lingering in my place, find a way to get them settled. Your time as a tourist is nearing its end."_

"Haise, you okay? You look like something's bothering you." Hide was sitting at the other end of the couch watching TV but at some point, my expression distracted him.

"It's nothing, just have a lot on my mind now. The last few days have been a bit hectic," I said as I dropped Eto's book to the floor.

"I know, and I'm sorry you were dragged into it. Hearing what Eto had to say must have been confusing. If you want to talk about it, you know I'm—" His phone rang before he finished speaking. He made an apologetic face as he answered the call. I took the chance to get up from the couch and go to the bathroom. I finished relieving my bladder when I heard Hide's voice grow louder in the next room. I limped back to the living room to find out what was going on.

"But are they safe?! Good, at least that's fortunate. I wasn't planning to but if you're insisting... Okay, yeah, we'll be there shortly." He hung up his phone and held it tightly in his fist.

"What happened?"

Hide looked my way and calmed the frustrated expression on his face. "There was an attack at Kimi's lab. Nishio was able to get them out of there safely, but a lot of their research has been destroyed. We're meeting at Anteiku to figure out what to do about it. I said we'd go, but if you're not feeling up to it, I'll let them know we're out of this one."

"No, it's okay, I'll go with you." We got ready to leave in silence, and it wasn't until we got outside that our conversation picked back up.

"I know you had mentioned their research before, but what were they working on again?"

"One of the main problems for Ghouls is the fact that we can only survive on human flesh. Kimi is working on developing an alternative to that. They're experimenting with different types of raw animal meat, treating it with enzymes normally found in the human body, and seeing if Ghouls could digest it. Their progress has been good, and they were nearing the end of their trials when this attack happened."

I nodded my head, realizing how important this could be for Ghouls like Hide and the people at Anteiku. "That could change everything if it works out."

"Yeah, it would make a lot of things easier," said Hide as we approached Anteiku. He opened the door and held it open for me, my crutch clicking against the ground as I stepped into the cafe. Everyone involved with Anteiku had gathered in the main room. I took a seat at the nearest table, Hide joined me a moment later.

Yoshimura stood up and began to speak, "We've all been filled in on the events that happened at Kimi's lab. Everyone that was in there at the time of the attack made it out to safety thanks to Nishio's quick thinking."

"Yeah, I even managed to take one of those bastards hostage. It was Aogiri that attacked us. It seems they've taken offense to the work that we're doing. The guy I caught said that creating artificial meat is disrespectful to Ghouls and further strengthens the human's oppression of them. Killing Kimi and destroying the research was their goal."

"I'm glad they didn't hurt or kill anyone, but what about the research?" asked Hide.

"They destroyed a lot of our test trials, but nothing that will set us back for long. They caused us a minor inconvenience at most, we're still in good shape to make a breakthrough at any time," Kimi replied with an optimistic tone to her voice. She had a pleasant attitude, unlike her boyfriend, who for some reason kept a sour look on his face whenever he looked at Hide or me.

"Which means that we need to protect Kimi and her research until that happens," Yoshimura said. "Aogiri Tree is no small force, and unfortunately we don't have the numbers to take them on if they should decide to make a serious attempt on us. So, I'd like to open this discussion up to the rest of Anteiku to find a solution to this issue."

Multiple sets of eyes wandered the room looking for someone to offer up a suggestion, but no one had anything to share. I looked over to Hide, who seemed to be giving the matter serious thought. Once he looked around to see if anyone else had anything, he began to speak.

"You mentioned the other day that the government had an agency that was dealing with Ghoul Crimes. What if we approached them with the information we have on Aogiri Tree? We can leave out any details about Anteiku or Kimi's identity, and just point them in Aogiri's direction and see what happens. We could even negotiate a truce to deal with a common enemy."

Nishio was the first to respond to Hide. "What are you, stupid? You want to get the attention of the same group that just wants an excuse to kill any Ghoul they meet? Even if they did do something about Aogiri, they'd be sniffing around us not long after."

"I have to agree with Nishio; the risk is too great to take at this time. It was a good idea though, Hide," said Yoshimura.

"I'm out of ideas then, but Haise and I need to get going. He hasn't been feeling well and should get some rest. C'mon, let's go," he said abruptly as he stood up and offered me a hand. Surprised by his sudden desire to leave, I only watched him with a puzzled look.

"Sorry to inconvenience you with our problems, pretty boy, don't let the door- oww! That hurt Kimi!" Nishio cried out behind us as I heard a hearty slap strike skin. Even though I didn't know the reason why Nishio disliked us, I couldn't help but smile at him being put in his place by his girlfriend.

Once we got outside, I saw Hide take a few deep breaths.

"What is it?"

"They're too cautious, which after our last incident with Aogiri is understandable. But we're not going to be able to protect anything if we don't take a chance. The CCG is a new agency, so I think they'd be more willing to negotiate than an older, more stable group would. I'm not sure what to do, though. I told myself I'd stop getting involved after... Well, once I got my answers from Dr. Kanou. I don't owe them anything, but I know that letting Aogiri continue to grow is only going to make life as a Ghoul harder." He slightly laughed to himself as he shook his head. "I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you so suddenly."

"It's good that you're getting it off your chest. You've helped me so much, it's good to be there for you for a change. So, keep venting if you need to, I'll listen." I gave him my most genuine smile because it was true, I did like that he felt comfortable confiding in me. I wondered if this was how Kaneki felt whenever Hide needed him.

As we continued our walk home, Hide grew silent, and in a subtle motion, grabbed my free arm and pulled me closer.

"We're being followed, don't stop or look around. Just stay close to me."

I did as he asked, but just before we got close to his apartment, our pursuer decided to make their move. A tall, dark-haired man carrying a briefcase stepped in front of us, forcing us to stop.

"Excuse the interruption, but my partner and I would like to have a word with the two of you. We're with the CCG. My name is Amon, and this is my partner," he gestured to his right, and a small fair-skinned boy appeared before us. His albino appearance was unique enough, but his skin was accented with red stitching that made him stand out even more.

"You... You're from the prison. The one that wouldn't leave," said Hide, a look of shocked recognition on his face.

"Yep, that's me, Juuzou Suzuya! I saw you on the street and figured now would be a good time to get an answer to a question I've had since we met that first time. Why would a Ghoul want to save a human?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -"Your current situation is a sweet dream compared to that reality!" The 'sweet dream' part is a reference to a line Haise/Kaneki says in Tokyo Ghoul:re.


	33. Chapter 33

"How did a member of the CCG end up in that prison? Were you undercover or something?" Hide asked Juuzou with caution. I didn't remember seeing the boy there, but of course, I don't know much of what happened during that time anyway.

"Oh, I wasn't a part of the CCG then. I was with Mama when they tried to get her to join their group. She refused them, so they took me as collateral until she changed her mind. I was waiting for her to come back for me when they let everyone go. Mama told me to be good and stay put, so that's what I was going to do. After you tried to get me to leave, the CCG showed up, and they made me go with them."

Hide looked even more confused now. "But, you were introduced as his partner, do they hire people for the CCG so freely?"

Investigator Amon answered, "Not typically. With Juuzou's situation, his knowledge of Ghoul activities, and capability to fight, he was accepted into the program on a trial basis. My previous partner was killed during a recent investigation, so they partnered Juuzou up with me for the time being. The fact that he knows you from that prison and recognizes you as a Ghoul is a very concerning issue for me. By all rights, I should take you both in for questioning."

"But you're not going to do that, because this guy hasn't answered my question. I've lived around Ghouls for most of my life. As long as I behaved the way they wanted, I was treated well. I saw what Ghouls did to humans, and they had no regard for their lives at all. What makes you so different, that you would try to save me?" Juuzou waited for Hide's answer with a goofy expression on his face.

"Because I used to be human once. I didn't want to see anyone else suffer, human or Ghoul. Not all Ghouls are cruel like the ones you knew. A lot of them want to have the chance to live free of the fear of being persecuted for what they are. I was changed into this against my will; I didn't ask to become like this. But what I can do now is prevent any more tragedies from happening. And to do that, we're going to need your help."

The two investigators listened while Hide explained the situation with Aogiri and Kimi's research, leaving out the fact that Kimi herself was a Ghoul. As he finished his story, the two investigators looked at each other, with Juuzou nodding his approval to Amon.

"We've both suffered casualties from that group. My former partner and mentor lost his life to them not long ago. Our organization is new, but has some strong backing in the Japanese government. If we can show that the CCG is here to handle the true criminal Ghouls like Aogiri, and not all Ghouls in general, that would be beneficial to everyone. I don't want to see Ghouls persecuted unfairly due to groups like Aogiri causing fear and panic to spread," said Amon.

Hide nodded in appreciation. "Someone I care for deeply was taken and tortured by Aogiri. They beat him, fed on him, and abused him in ways that are unthinkable. They broke his body and his mind. He had to forget everything to survive in that hellish place. He lost his memories, the good as well as the bad. Aogiri stole his life from him, as well as our happiness. I won't let that go unanswered. You were there, Juuzou. I won't assume that your experience was any better or worse, but you must agree that we both have a common enemy as well as a common goal, right? We are so close to making it possible for Ghouls and humans to coexist without fear or hate."

_"Haise... Haise... Let me go! He needs me now, more than he ever has," Kaneki pleaded with me once more in the empty room within the confines of our mind. I'd heard what Hide had to say, that he genuinely felt Kaneki's loss within him so deep._

"Shut up! I know that!" I looked around to see that I hadn't yelled that to the figment of Kaneki within my mind, but to Hide and the CCG investigators he was trying to commit to a truce.

Hide focused his attention back to me, "Hey, hey what's happening, Haise? You're not looking well. What were you shouting about?" He put his hands against my face, gently framing it as he checked on me. It was too much for me to take.

"I-It's nothing, I just needed to... to..." I started to hyperventilate again as Hide pulled me over to a nearby bench and sat me down.

"He's having a panic attack. He's the one you were just talking about, isn't he?" said Amon as he stood over us.

"Yeah, he is. Maybe it'll be best if we stop for today. Can we depend on your support to go against Aogiri?"

Amon nodded his head, "Yeah, we'll work out the details with our department head. We'll withhold our source so it won't be traced back to you or Anteiku. That's a promise. I'll get in touch with you when we're ready to make our move."

"Okay, thanks again."

Juuzou chimed in as they started to walk away, "No problem! Just take care of that guy, looks like he needs you. See ya!"

_Face-to-face with Kaneki once again, I struggled to back away but found myself unable to move._

_"I know you can let me go at any time, Haise. What's holding you back? You know that there is no real Sasaki Haise now, so why delay this any longer?"_

_His eyes peered into mine, waiting for an answer. We could both hear Hide's voice echoing in the real world, telling us to hold on and that he was going to get us home soon. I bit my lip and avoided Kaneki's gaze, which gave me away completely._

_"You... You love him too, don't you? You've fallen in love with_ _Hide."_

_I nodded my head, admitting what I'd been trying to deny for so long. I knew that Hide's heart belonged to the person in front of me, but that didn't matter to my own._

_"It'll never work, Haise. You know that, right?"_

_"I-I do. But that doesn't make it any easier for me to stop feeling like this."_

Suddenly I was back to reality again, being held in Hide's arms as he rushed into his apartment building. How could I possibly stop feeling this way for him when he's showing so much concern for me? I felt emotionally and physically exhausted and ended up falling asleep before he could even get through his door.

* * *

Warm and comfortable, I woke up in my room. It was after midnight, going by the clock on my nightstand. Feeling rested and calm again, I left my room in search of Hide, although I expected him to be asleep by now. The rest of the apartment was dark, though I saw a light shining from the kitchen. He must have left the light on before he went to bed. I walked into the kitchen and saw Hide's blood-smeared face as he froze in place with a raw piece of flesh against his lips. I cried out in shock before stumbling backward against the wall.

"Haise!"

_Red, so much red everywhere. Trickling down my arms like little streams, I watched it flow towards the floor._

_"Don't bite too deep, I don't want it on our heads if the guy dies," a voice near me said as they licked away the crimson lines as they got closer to my wrists. The wetness of their tongue spreading over my skin made me cringe. Any energy I'd had to try to fight them away had been depleted a while ago. They weren't the first, nor would they be the last to take from me._

_"I know the deal, but you gotta admit that this little piece of meat has amazing flavor. If the boss weren't such a crazy fuck, I'd say it'd almost be worth the risk to get a full meal off him. Everyone's taken too much from his arms, but his legs have some good parts as well. Hold him still."_

_More hands were touching me again, keeping me from moving, even though I'd lost the will to flee already. A searing pain erupted from my right thigh as I saw more red spread across their face, their jaw circling as they chewed me up and swallowed me down. The blood ran down his chin, dripping onto my legs as if it could get back inside me. Even when I closed my eyes, the red still lingered._

"The red, it won't go away! They won't stop..." Coming back to reality was sudden, and it wasn't the cell surrounded by hungry Ghouls anymore, but only Hide holding me once again with a guilty look on his face.

"I'm sorry, Haise. I should have been more careful of where I ate. That triggered another bad memory, didn't it..." It wasn't a question, so much as a statement he didn't need to be confirmed.

I told him of the scene I saw this time, still in a dream-like state as I did so. This was the first time I told him what I saw in a flashback. I didn't want him to know just how bad these flashes were getting, but there was no concealing them now. The barrier between myself and Kaneki must be growing weaker if these episodes are becoming more frequent.

I'm going to have to make a choice soon. This must be what Eto was referring to the last time we met. Whether I choose to stay or go, the effects of either choice will be significant.

"No one is ever going to hurt you like that again. You're safe now," Hide said as he held me close. My trembling body wouldn't stop shaking even with his arms around me.

"Am I?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -If it isn't obvious by now, Haise/Kaneki is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which can include panic attacks.


	34. Chapter 34

The next day, Hide and I returned to Anteiku to tell them about our encounter with the CCG investigators. Yoshimura didn't seem as upset as we'd expected and said that it couldn't be helped now. Nishio, on the other hand, was livid.

"Are you out of your _fucking_ mind?! What didn't you understand about the danger of involving them? I knew we shouldn't have trusted you. You just put targets over all our heads!"

"The targets were already there, okay?! It doesn't matter whether it's the CCG or Aogiri aiming, because we're in the crosshairs of both! I don't know why you've had this bad attitude towards Kaneki and I, but all I've wanted to do is protect what's important to me. The only way I saw to keep everyone safe, was to put some trust in the CCG. If they're both considered our enemy, then I made a deal with the lesser of the two evils."

Hide stepped closer to Nishio, staring him down, "I don't believe I made a wrong choice, so if you still want to hassle me, then go ahead, what's done is done."

Nishio shoved Hide backward onto the floor, "My attitude with you and Kaneki?! You want to know what my problem is with you? You don't deserve the trust that you're getting here! It took me a very long time to earn the trust of not just Kimi, but everyone here at Anteiku. Just because you became a One-Eyed Ghoul through some bad luck doesn't give you a free pass into our world. We didn't have all these problems until you walked in here. Our lives were quiet before the new guy and his 'pet' showed up!"

"Enough Nishio! You have no right to talk to them like that!" yelled Touka.

"No, he wanted to know, so I'm telling him! You think it's going to bother me if it hurts him or his little boyfriend's feelings? Oh wait, I forgot, that's not even your boyfriend in there anymore, is it? You talk a big game about protecting everyone, but so far you've been doing a shit job of keeping your loved ones out of harm's way!"

Hide just sat on the floor, taking Nishio's verbal beating without appeal. His eyes were glossing over, whether it was from anger or sadness I couldn't be sure. Nishio hovered over him, waiting for Hide to make a move so he could lash out at him more. I couldn't give him that chance. Leaving my crutch behind, I awkwardly limped across the floor and positioned myself between the two of them, stretching out my arms in a protective gesture.

"Leave him alone! He only did what he thought was best for everybody here. Don't use this as an excuse to use him as an emotional punching bag just because you think he got accepted so easily. You forget that we're not Ghouls. Even though we're involved with their lives, we'll never know what it's like to live as one. Imagine that it was you who ended up as a One-Eyed Ghoul and all the hardships you'd have to suffer through. I can't remember anything from the time Hide was turned, but I'm sure he didn't have it as easy as you think. So, if you want to continue this jealous grudge against him, that's on you. But don't think that he didn't have his own hardships to get to where he is now."

My stamina was starting to fade but I maintained my stance. Nishio stared at me, then backed away from the two of us and left the room.

"Haise..." Hide's voice trembled as he stood up and wrapped his arms around me. My legs gave out but Hide kept me from falling as he held me so closely. "You didn't have to put yourself out there like that. I didn't need defending; he wasn't wrong. I've failed so many times..." His voice cracked as he began to sob against my shoulder.

"We should give them some time, everyone," said Yoshimura as he gestured for the others to leave the room. I was grateful for his thoughtfulness. Once we were alone, I maneuvered us over to the nearest couch and sat down. He still held me as he cried, and I patted him gently on his back until he had gotten it all out of his system.

"Thank you, Haise. I'm not sure what I did for you to put so much faith in me, but I hope I won't disappoint you like this again."

"I'm not disappointed at all. He said some cruel things, and I couldn't stand to see him hurt you any longer. You've taken care of me, I just want you to know that I'm here for you too. You don't have to be alone in this."

Hide and I stared at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do next. I wanted him to hold me close again, but I wasn't sure if he wanted the same. He glanced away eventually, clearing his throat before standing up and retrieving my crutch from the other side of the room.

"I should go, there's still a lot of planning to do. I-If you want to rest, I'll be in the next room. Thanks again, Haise, I feel a lot better now thanks to you."

"It's no problem; I just need a minute, I'll be there with you shortly."

He smiled as he walked out of the room. His tears still stained the edges of my shirt. The once warm fluid now a cold dampness against my skin. I could still feel the impression of his face on my chest and the texture of his shirt against my palms as I held him.

_"Thank you for comforting him, Haise. Your fierceness in defending him was surprising. These feelings of yours must run deep," Kaneki said as he appeared before me._

_"They do. And because of that, I feel it is time to make my choice. When you created me, you wanted me to guarantee your security, right? I need to ensure that you'll be safe before I decide. That's only fair, right?"_

_Kaneki nodded, "Yes. I'll abide by whatever you decide. Just know that time is growing short. Our mind can't handle this much longer. I'm sure you've noticed the strain it has put on you. If you wait too long, we both may disappear."_

_"I don't think it'll take that long. Just... wait a little longer."_

When I rejoined the group, they were working out their plans based on the information Hide had learned when he infiltrated Aogiri. Hide's phone rang as they were finishing up, and he stepped off to the side to take it. After a few minutes, he returned to the group.

"That was Amon; he said that the CCG is ready to mobilize tomorrow afternoon. We'll rendezvous with them here at 3pm to go over the final details of our strategy."

The group nodded and decided to call it a night. Hide and I walked home in silence, the knowledge that tomorrow would bring either success or ruin to Anteiku weighed heavily on us both. When we got into the apartment, Hide took a bath while I got something to eat.

"The bath's still hot if you want to get in, Haise," said Hide as he emerged from the bathroom with his sleep pants on, his chest bare as he rubbed a towel against his wet hair.

"Okay, thanks." I relaxed in the bath for a little while, soaking in the heat while I thought of how to handle my situation. I decided that nothing short of being straight-forward with him would work. So, when I finished my bath, I quickly dressed before going back into the living room, where I found Hide laying on the couch. I sat down next to him and draped my hand over his to get his attention.

"I know there's going to be a lot happening tomorrow, and I don't want to be a distraction. But I... I can't stop myself anymore. My heart, which is shared with the Kaneki you love, aches for you. I keep hearing him inside my head, asking me to let him go. I never sent him away in the first place!" Tears fell from my eyes; the words weren't as hard to say as I expected. "Both of us love you, Hide. I'm not sure what I can do about it. He's in pain while I exist, but if I give into him, I'll be the one to perish. Please, tell me how I can stop this!"

Surprised by the sudden outflow of my emotions, Hide hesitated a moment before wrapping his arms around me. It was unfair to overwhelm him like this, but it was the best I could do.

"I-I don't have an answer for you, Haise. I'm sorry you've felt so conflicted, and I wish I knew of a way for everyone to be happy. You're a good person, Haise. I care about you, too."

I lifted my head up from his chest to look at him, and we stared at each other before Hide leaned in and kissed me. He pulled away, a look of concern in his eyes as we considered whether we should leave it at this or keep going. A few moments were all we needed before we kissed again, the passion that had been building inside of me burst forth. I ran my fingers through his hair as he rubbed my neck and back with his hands.

He pulled me into his lap and ran his hands down into my pajama bottoms, cupping them against my ass and squeezing softly.

_A scene flashed in front of me, where I was on top of Hide, but the room was different. It looked like the apartment where Kaneki lived. If that was the case, then this was another one of Kaneki's memories._

I came back to reality almost immediately to Hide reaching down the front of my pants and stroking my cock as he pulled out his own. He moved me closer to him until they touched. The heat of his melted into my own as he wrapped his hand around both and started rubbing them together. I let out a soft moan as he brought his free hand around and started playing with my ass again.

"Hold on to me, we need to move," Hide said breathlessly as he moved his hands under my thighs. I draped my arms around his shoulders as he slowly stood up. My added weight didn't slow him down as he carried me into his bedroom. He laid me down gently on the bed and slid off my bottoms while shimmying out of his own. He opened the drawer of his nightstand, retrieving a condom and a small bottle of lubricant.

"I don't want to hurt you, Haise, so this is necessary," Hide said as he tore the condom packaging open.

_"...it's important to get your muscles in this area ready before anything else can happen." I was now watching as Hide prepared Kaneki just as he was about to do for me. He took the time to explain to Kaneki just what he was doing and took great care to keep him comfortable. As I looked away, I could see the other Kaneki sitting in his chair, watching everything happen. I could sense the barrier between us growing weaker._

"Hide, I need you so much right now!" He'd been massaging my insides, stretching me for what was to come next.

His voice answered me softly, "Are you sure?"

I nodded to confirm I was ready, and he withdrew his fingers and positioned himself on top of me. With slow, gentle pressure, he slid inside, kissing me as he pushed himself in completely.

"I'm going to move now, Haise, tell me if it hurts and I'll stop." He started to thrust against me as he rested his forehead against my collarbone.

_"He's a very passionate lover, isn't he, Haise? He makes sure his partner is taken care of completely." With nothing keeping us separate anymore, Kaneki and I sat together as we watched his memory of their first time unfold._

_"Yes, that's why I had to do this. If Hide can treat me with just as much care as he would you, then I can be assured that he'd never waver in keeping you safe and secure, Kaneki."_

_"I suspected as much. Go on, then. Finish it. And thank you, Haise."_

As I came back once more, Hide was stroking my cock as he pushed himself against my sensitive prostate. Suddenly he paused and looked at me with concern.

"Haise, why are you crying? Does it hurt?" He started to pull out, but I wrapped my legs around him to prevent him from doing so.

"No, it's nothing like that. I'm just... just so happy right now. Please, don't stop."

He carefully wiped away my tears with his thumbs, then kissed me as he continued to make love to me. He turned me onto my side and entered me again, holding one of my legs in the air and using it as leverage to drive himself deeper inside. This position afforded him full contact with my prostate, and it didn't take long for me to come after that. I clung to him as I shuddered through my orgasm.

"Haise!" He finished with several deep thrusts as he held my leg against his body. He withdrew and disposed of the used condom before laying back down behind me, resting his hands around my waist. I felt myself being pulled back to Kaneki's room and knew it would be for the last time. The tears started to flow again, and I felt some guilt for lying to Hide earlier. These weren't happy tears at all. I didn't have to wait long for him to fall asleep, it had been an exhausting day. I turned around to face him, admiring how peaceful he looked as he slept. I kissed him one more time, then hugged him close.

"Goodbye, sweet Hide," I said with a shaky voice as I closed my eyes for the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Nishio's dislike towards Hide and Kaneki/Haise stems from the fact that he's a human that had to work so hard to be accepted into the Ghoul's world. Something that Hide and Kaneki did in far less time, something he feels is unfair. Changing him from a Ghoul to a human made this plot element possible.
> 
> -The final position that Hide and Haise are in as they finish having sex was taken from my favorite scene in the yaoi OVA 'Sensitive Pornograph.' In that, a couple have sex, one with brown hair and the other white-haired. The similarities between them and Hide/Kaneki were too good to not include. 
> 
> -Haise lying about the nature of his tears was significant because it was the first time he was shown to lie without Kaneki's chin-touching habit. This could be interpreted as Haise being a truly independent entity from Kaneki at this point.


	35. Chapter 35

The morning light crept into the room. It was the first time in two months that I awoke as my true self. I sat up quickly and surveyed the room. Even though I'd been a witness to the events of last night, it still felt strange not having to take a back seat in my own mind anymore. I'd grown used to playing the spectator, so it overwhelmed me to be in control now. I retained all my memories, including those of Sasaki Haise. When I thought about him, I started to cry. Hide shifted in the bed and opened his eyes to look at me.

"Haise, you're crying again. What's wrong?"

I faintly smiled through my tears, "I-It's me, Hide. I'm back, but Haise's gone. He's gone..." I said as I curled myself up in the bed and sobbed harder. Hide blanketed me in his arms, stroking the back of my head and neck with his fingers.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm so glad that you've returned, Kaneki. I've missed you so much!"

"I know you did. I was aware of everything but had no control. Haise had so much to struggle with, but he did the best he could. In the end, he didn't want to go. He loved you, and that made it difficult for him to decide what to do. His last moments were happy, though. He felt loved and accepted, and you showed him that it was safe to allow me to come back. He was assured that you'd never allow me to come to harm again. I didn't want him to go, but..."

Hide hugged me tighter than before, "I know, Kaneki. Haise was a kind and gentle person. I'm sure that he's still there somewhere as a part of you. I did care for him the same as I do the real you. I didn't want him to feel as though he was a substitute. I'm just sorry for getting you involved in all of this."

"I told you from the start that if this was the world you lived in, that I'd be right there with you. I know the risks, and I don't regret anything. What happened to me in that place, it's going to take time to deal with it, but I know I'm safe with you now. Just... Thank you for not giving up on me while I was gone."

Hide opened his mouth to respond, but when no words came out, he began to cry instead. We spent our morning holding each other, content that this was all we needed for the moment.

* * *

"Welcome back, Kaneki! We're all relieved to see that you've returned to us," said Yoshimura as we walked through the doors of Anteiku. Hide had called them ahead of time to share the news of my return. The attention made me nervous but Hide held my hand through it all. Even though it had been two months since my rescue from the Aogiri prison, my reawakening brought along with it all the trauma that had been lying dormant while Haise was in control.

"T-Thank you, sir, it's still a lot to take in, but I'm doing my best." Walking to the shop was a challenge. The crowds of people made me anxious to the point of a panic attack. Hide wanted to take me back home, but I insisted that we keep going. Even among friends, this feeling of unease still hung heavily over me. What I endured at the prison won't be forgotten or healed in any short amount of time. But I can't let that distract Hide from what they must do today. I have to show him my support and be strong for him like he's doing for all of us.

"That's understandable; you went through a truly terrible ordeal. I know a psychologist that can be trusted with our secrets. I think it would be good for you to talk to him once today's business is settled."

"Yes, I'd appreciate that very much, sir." I knew better than to think I was okay. Hide helped me realize that I had a bad habit of trying to handle my problems alone. He showed me that it was okay to ask for assistance to make things better. So, once they finished dealing with the Aogiri threat, I planned to seek help for the trauma I experienced.

The door to Anteiku opened, and to our surprise, my former boss' daughter Akira Mado walked through it.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here?!" Hide yelled as he charged towards her, his kagune bursting forth from his back as he ran. She manifested her kagune as well, a white and gold mass that covered her left arm like a shield. Holding it up in front of her, she took up a defensive pose.

"I'm not here to fight! Please give me the chance to speak!"

Hide stood in front of her, his kagune lashing out around him, waiting to be directed to strike the woman before them. "Why should we believe anything you have to say? Your father is a monster, why should his daughter be any different?"

"Are we all condemned to be prisoners to our family's sins? Do you not believe that there can be one person willing to fight against the wrongs of their kin? If so, then strike me down now, because I don't want to stay in a world where I can't live outside of my father's wicked shadow."

Her words hit me deep. During my time working at Mado's, she'd never shown me any sign of anger or disdain. I knew she was sincere right now. This was her true heart speaking to us and pleading for a chance to be heard.

"Hide, I believe her! Please, we should at least listen to what she has to say!"

Hearing my words, Hide relaxed his position and withdrew his kagune. "Alright, let's hear what's so important."

Akira withdrew her defensive shield and followed Hide to a nearby table. Yoshimura and Touka joined them as I watched from my seat.

"I've always had a difficult relationship with my father. I tend to disagree with him on many of his opinions and beliefs. I took that as a normal occurrence when children become adults. But I've reached my limit on how much of my father's actions I can ignore before I feel it necessary to intervene. So, I'm here to provide you with the information you'll need to stop him."

Hide crossed his arms defensively as he listened, "What changed to make you want to take action now? Why not stay blissfully ignorant in your little grocery store?" I shot a glance in his direction, making him aware that I disapproved of his unnecessarily hurtful remark.

"My father isn't in his right mind. I'm starting to realize that I don't think he ever was. I helped him open that grocery store because I believed he wanted to bridge the gap between Ghouls and humanity. But he fooled me," she paused and looked at me directly, "and hurt people I cared for who had never done anything wrong to Ghouls. When I found out what he'd done to Kaneki, I was disgusted with him. He can't be allowed to continue like this. I'm aware of what must be done and accept it. This is all I can do for you, so please take this information and use it to put an end to his hatred and bigotry."

She produced several papers from her jacket pocket which revealed Mado's current location, his plans for the day, as well as the most efficient ways to get through his defenses to catch him off-guard. With this, they had a clear plan of attack that would result in fewer casualties.

"We'll have to report this information to the CCG and get their insight on how to make the best use of this knowledge. The two investigators we've been in contact with should be here any time now," said Yoshimura. Almost as if his words summoned them, the CCG stepped into the coffee shop cautiously.

"Wow, didn't think we'd have this much of a crowd in here!" A young man with albino features said excitedly as he started to wander around the shop. He spotted me and started to wave. "I remember you! You're the panic attack guy. I guess your friend Nagachika took care of you after all, good!"

Hide stepped in before he got much closer, sensing my anxiety. "He's still recovering, so forgive me for asking you to give him some space, Juuzou."

The taller man approached as well, "Don't crowd him, Juuzou. I hope that you're doing well, young man. Nagachika, are we ready to start planning our attack?"

"Yes, we just recently got some updated intel on the leader's location and other information that should prove useful to our mission." From there, the group began to strategize on how to approach the area and which teams would be responsible for disabling the defenses surrounding the Aogiri base. It was a relief to see that the people from the CCG were treating the people of Anteiku with respect. There was hope to avoid the dismal future that Yoshimura feared for Ghouls after all.

As their meeting ended, the newly formed teams were each given their orders and sent out to fulfill them. Hide was one of the last to leave the huddle at the table.

"Kaneki, this is where we'll have to part for now. The CCG said that they'd leave some guards to protect you and the others that will be taking shelter here."

I nodded, "I understand."

The serious expression he fought to maintain disappeared to reveal his insecurities. "Ahh, dammit... I don't want to do this! I just got you back; it's so unfair that I have to leave you now!" He grasped my hands and squeezed them gently.

"Shh, I'm not going anywhere. Just do what needs to be done and come back home to me." I brought his right hand up to my face and kissed his knuckles.

"I will, Kaneki. I swear I'll come back to you. Don't miss me too much while I'm gone, okay?"

I chuckled softly, remembering when I'd heard him say this once before. Recalling how much of an impossible task it truly was, I could only pull him close for a tight embrace. "I can't promise that, Hide."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -"Don't miss me too much while I'm gone, okay?" Callback to chapter 11 when Hide says the same thing to Kaneki before leaving for work.


	36. Chapter 36

_** Hide ** _

_"Both of us love you, Hide. I'm not sure what I can do about it. He's in pain while I exist, but if I give in to him, I'll be the one to perish. Please, tell me how I can stop this!"_

Haise's words kept running through my head from the night before. I couldn't give him an answer that would make everyone happy. And yet, he still chose to sacrifice himself to allow Kaneki to come back. Over the last two months, I'd grown comfortable around Haise, and even a little affectionate for him. But I never wanted to cross any lines. I didn't want him to feel like he was a replacement for Kaneki. So, when he confessed his feelings to me, I was at a loss. We both knew that my heart belonged to Kaneki, but at that moment we needed each other.

While I didn't regret anything I'd done for him, there was this small sense of guilt in my heart. Seeing his scars and knowing that he'd been violated so cruelly, I shouldn't have pushed for anything sexual, even if he was identifying as Haise. I felt Kaneki tremble as we held each other in bed this morning, and realized that he was nervous about being touched, even though he had no reason to fear me.

Amon broke the silence in the car, "Do you think Mado's daughter can be trusted, Hide?"

Grateful to have something else to consider other than my issues, I thought for a moment. From the brief time I spent working for her at the store, Akira had never given me any reason to believe she could be manipulative or deceiving.

"I'd like to think so, Amon. The risk she took to bring us that information was huge. For now, it's the best option we have. Most of her intel coincided with your findings, so that brought some legitimacy to it." The unmarked CCG car we were in sped through the city streets towards our destination. Amon and I sat on either end of the backseat while Juuzou kept himself occupied between us by reading through Akira's notes.

"She looked sincere. Though it must be a tough position, knowing that her assistance will result in us either arresting her father or killing him. That kind of resolve is admirable," Amon said as he stared out the window. She had apparently made an impression on him.

"I can't tell whether you're thinking of recruiting her or asking her out," I said as I noted his interest in Akira. The somber mood in the car seemed to lighten up as even Juuzou stopped reading the papers to get a look at Amon's surprised expression.

"That was purely a professional statement, nothing more. Although it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider, the recruitment part. Her notes represent a keen sense of rationality and observational skill."

"Whatever you want to call it, man," I nodded and went back to looking out the window. The sun was close to the horizon now, casting an orange-red tone over the buildings and roads. Sunsets had always been an interest of mine. I wished Kaneki and I were sitting on the roof of our building watching this one, like we used to before all this madness began. I silently swore to myself that we'd watch the next one together.

"We're here. Let's go over our plan once more before we move out," said Amon. I'd be sneaking in through the roof since I could scale the outer walls with my kagune. A team would be dropped onto the roof to accompany me. Amon and Juuzou were meeting a team led by someone named Takizawa to begin a floor-by-floor sweep. The building had five floors, with minimal security during this time of day. Other squads were nearby preventing any reinforcements from arriving. Most of the Anteiku members were with those squads, to help identify approaching Ghouls.

Akira predicted that her father would be on the third floor most of the day, so the sweep would be timed to where the rooftop team and ground team would converge on the third floor and check it together. We were all given communication devices to keep the teams informed of any necessary information.

"You'll be okay on your own until you meet with the rooftop team, right Hide?" Amon asked as he leaned his head back and viewed the height of the building I was about to climb.

"Don't make me second-guess myself now, fellas. I'll see you inside. Don't start the party without me!"

I tried my best to keep the confidence in my voice as I walked away. I didn't want to be here, not after finally having Kaneki come back to me. But this was necessary for us to be safe again. I swore I'd protect him and finishing this will ensure that these bastards will never be able to hurt him again. This is the last time he'll have to wait for me. Once I get back to him, we're going to get our lives back to normal again. We can both get back into our college classes, find new part-time jobs if need be, and just enjoy life together. One man stands in the way of that future, and I won't back down until he's no longer a threat.

Using my kagune had become second nature to me after training with Anteiku over the last few months. Climbing the building took little effort, and before I knew it, I had made it to the roof. I walked over to the door into the building and waited for the team. They should have made contact by now, so I paced the area quietly. Then, the small radio crackled to life in my ear.

"Hide, this is Amon. I just got word that the rooftop team has been delayed, so hold your position."

"How long of a delay?"

Amon didn't reply immediately, which got my nerves worked up. It made me wonder if we had walked into a trap. "I haven't been given a time frame yet."

"We only have one shot at this, Amon! If everyone else is in position, we should just move on."

"No, that would leave you on your own to sweep two floors. That's too much for one person to manage themselves!"

My head was telling me that waiting for help was the smart thing to do. But my impatient heart got my feet moving faster than my brain could keep them still.

"I can handle it. I'll see you on the third floor." I pulled the tiny communication piece from my ear and tossed it aside before entering the building. The longer we hesitate, the less our chances of maintaining our element of surprise. Our intel showed little resistance from the top two floors, so there should be no reason to freak out. I followed the stairs down to the fifth floor and began to check rooms. As expected, this floor was unoccupied. Now that I had calmed down, I realized that getting rid of my radio wasn't a smart move. But there was only one floor left to check before I re-joined the rest of the teams.

Now on the fourth floor, I went through the same search pattern as the previous one. There was still no one around, and I hoped that Amon and the others had the same amount of luck. As I reached the end of the main corridor, I went in the direction of the stairs that led to the third floor. Before I could open the door to the stairwell, I heard the engines of the elevator next to me begin to activate. No one on the team would dare to use the elevator, so it had to be someone that was already in the building. I stayed frozen in place, waiting to see on which floor the elevator was going to stop. It ground to a halt on this floor.

If we still had the element of surprise on our side, I decided that the best move was to position myself just outside the elevator doors and ambush whoever had used it. If it was some low-level goon, then the risk would be worth it to reduce the number of hostiles in the building. The doors slowly opened to reveal none other than Mado himself. I sprang into action as I shoulder-checked him against the back of the elevator and pushed the button for the third floor while he was down. Keeping him in a small, enclosed space would be smart now. Getting us back down to the level where the others should be was also a priority.

"Ahh, so it's you, Nagachika," he said as he struggled to catch his breath after I'd knocked the wind out of him. "Did your broken human die? I can't imagine you'd be stupid enough to do this while he was still alive."

"That's none of your concern, Mado. This is going to stop today! You won't be able to hurt anyone ever again!" While he was still incapacitated, I pulled him toward the middle of the elevator and pinned him face down to the ground. My kagune worked as leverage to keep him from moving as I pushed them against the ceiling. We came to a stop on the third floor, and as the doors opened I expected to see the CCG on the other side, but surprisingly no one was there. Mado caught on to my hesitation and scoffed.

"Hah, were you expecting there to be someone here to help you? The fact that you chose this time to try to attack makes it painfully obvious that my daughter has finally had enough of me. That ungrateful child just doesn't see that I'm trying to make this world better for our own kind! I never should have trusted her, and now she's sold me out. Who knows what she's exposed about me to you. Shame on me for holding out false hope that she'd eventually come around."

At that, the doors to the stairwell opened, and the CCG began to file into the corridor. The elevator doors attempted to close, but I slid one of my kagune tendrils out to prevent them from doing so.

"Hide, you damned fool! What were you thinking moving on by yourself?! At least keep your radio with you. This depended on timing, you know!" Amon angrily lectured me as he forced his way to the front of the group. He saw who I had caught and paused his ranting.

"It appears my daughter wanted to make sure that I didn't get out of this scenario alive, too bad she was too much of a coward to face me herself."

His disrespectful words towards Akira angered me. "Your daughter has shown more honor and courage than any one of us here! She wanted peace between humanity and Ghouls, and you refused to consider it as a possibility. Look at us, Mado. There are Ghouls and humans here working together to stop you. Peace is something we can achieve, but not while you're still free to spread your hate and fear."

"Well, I suppose if this is the end for me, I'd better make this last fight count, right?" At that, his kagune burst towards the ceiling of the elevator, its sharp silvery point severed the lines holding the elevator in place. The CCG quickly disappeared as the elevator plummeted down to the ground floor, the impact shattered the walls and caused structural damage to the surrounding area. Considering the stairs ran parallel to the elevator shaft, I was sure they were now blocked with debris, essentially trapping the CCG on the third floor.

Crawling out of the wreckage of the elevator, I pulled myself to my feet and looked around. Dust still hung in the air making it hard to see. My body had taken some damage, but I felt the wounds healing as I limped toward a more secure spot. I hadn't found Mado yet, but I was sure he wasn't caught in the elevator. He was desperate now, knowing that his end was close made him even more dangerous.

"That's better; I'd rather have some privacy for this. Hope you didn't mind, Nagachika. I get a little shy when I bring out the strongest of my collection. I know you aren't a Ghoul by birth, so you probably aren't aware. We can attain more power if we cannibalize our own kind. A kakuja can be our most powerful defense, but if you can't even bring yourself to feed off of humanity, you'd never even consider Ghoul flesh as a possibility. You'll soon realize the mistake you've made in challenging me!"

The kagune that Mado manifested began to surround his arms and upper body, coating him like armor. Sharp spines lined his forearms while several kagune tendrils spread out behind him. His size increased considerably as he completed his transformation. A devilish grin manifested on the reddish-gray mask that now covered his face.

What he didn't know was that I knew of the concept of kakujas and cannibalism. After he'd seen me start to eat Yamori after our fight, Yoshimura explained it to me. Insanity and other side effects prevented many Ghouls from taking part in it. However, during the weeks that I was working undercover with Aogiri, I couldn't get my food through Anteiku. So instead of feeding off humans like the other members did, I would quietly pick off the Ghouls that wouldn't be missed. To me, it was a necessary evil to keep the charade going and increase my strength.

I'd never attempted to form a kakuja from it, but as I saw Mado with his, I realized that it may be the only way I can defeat him. Risking my sanity to put an end to him was a gamble. But I had resolved to finish this through whatever means necessary. So if I had to become a monster, then that's what I'd do. I had someone waiting for me to come home, after all. At least he wouldn't have to see the means by which I reached that end.


	37. Chapter 37

_**Hide** _

Remembering how ill-prepared I had been the last time I fought against Mado, I decided to keep the training with Touka and Yomo from Anteiku in mind as I began my attack. Keeping myself grounded and using my kagune as a distance weapon seemed the smart way to approach him. He had me beat in size, but not in speed, so I used that to my advantage as well. The air had cleared more from where the broken elevator had kicked up dust and debris. Constantly moving, I would move in for a quick attack then jump out of the way before he could connect with his defenses. This method wasn't doing much damage and took a toll on my stamina. I needed a way to take him down quickly before he could make use of that kakuja.

"Are you just going to keep hopping around like a little rabbit? This is growing tiresome, Nagachika. Maybe I should have given the CCG a chance to get down here. At least then I'd feel like this was a challenge!"

As he lashed his kagune tendrils out, I narrowly missed the first two, but the third and fourth connected hard. The edges of his kagune were sharp and left several gashes along my left side. I quickly got back to my feet and out of the way of his next strike, moving further away. With this injury, it'll be more difficult to avoid his advances while trying to hit him with my own. I couldn't say when the rest of the teams would be able to get down here, so it was all on me to keep him here. Should I try to manifest a kakuja though? I wasn't even sure if I'd eaten enough Ghoul flesh for it to be possible.

Mado charged at me suddenly, taking advantage of my momentary distraction, and slammed me into the wall. Blood sprayed from my mouth as I felt all the air in my lungs leave me at once. I slid down to the floor, unable to catch my next breath right away. Mado stood over me, his kakuja mask exhibiting that creepy smile as he leaned in closer.

"Kanou wanted me to leave you alone so he could observe more of his research at work. But now that he's out of the way, there's no reason why you should be allowed to play in our world anymore. You may have made an impressive half-Ghoul, but you'll never beat the real thing!"

He brought his massive arm up and swung down, intent on crushing me into the ground. Timing it just right, I managed to jump out of the way, biting into and tearing away a large piece of his kakuja as I got clear of him. I needed to eat to regain my strength after that last hit. Chewing frantically, I swallowed the flesh and felt it burn like coal in the pit of my stomach. Licking the blood from my lips, the only thing that came to my mind now was that I needed more.

"Aha! You get yourself a good taste? I suppose after bringing up cannibalism you'd be curious to give it a try. But if you can bring yourself to take from me, why not just feed from humans like we were born to do? You may even find that you like it, Nagachika."

"I'm only doing what needs to be done to stop you," I said as I wiped his blood from my mouth and approached him again. The wounds he had inflicted had closed, and I felt I could move freely once again. So, with my speed, I'd get close, take bites from Mado's thick outer kakuja, and quickly evade him. As I fed off him, the burning in my stomach grew hotter, and my hunger increased as well.

"Hah! You're nothing more than a lowly biting fly! You think this is going to help you defeat me?!" Mado laughed as I continued my assault, hardly swatting at me as I continued to tear off bits of his flesh and consume them. I started to get sloppy as my desire to feed overwhelmed me. As I made another pass, Mado sliced through one of my kagune, throwing off my balance. Frantically devouring his flesh, I fought to replenish the energy I was burning up. I was barely taking in enough to maintain my current state. I'd have to take in more if I wanted to form a kakuja. My mind raced with thoughts of rushing forward unrestrained, but I knew that was only the effects of consuming Ghoul flesh. It was the insanity that threatened to take over if I gave it a chance.

"Are you seriously trying to develop a cannibal's kakuja like this? Sorry, young man, but taking little pieces of me won't get you very far with that. Good on you for taking the initiative, but even with a kakuja, you'll never be at my level."

"I'm not trying to be at your level; I'm shooting far higher than that!" I charged him, then dodged his frontal defense to get behind him. His kakuja had a lot of frontal attack power but was open to attack from anything directly behind him. I launched my three remaining kagune tendrils ahead of me and speared one into his lower back and wound the other two around his shoulders. Pulling myself towards them, I latched onto his back and quickly began consuming more of Mado's body.

Unable to reach where I was perched, he resorted to ramming his back into the closest wall. My kagune shielded me from any significant damage and allowed me to continue feeding. That hot feeling in my stomach grew, sickening and addicting all at once. Mado was growing more irritated and desperate to stop me. I was pulling not just the kakuja meat from him now, but his actual flesh as well.

"Enough of this fool's errand, there's no way you can develop a kakuja like this! Unless... This isn't the first time you've fed on a Ghoul, is it? Is that how you managed to blend in with Aogiri for so long? Does Kaneki know of the monster you've become? Or perhaps he's always known the darkness within you?"

He threw himself back into the wall repeatedly. My kagune couldn't withstand the added assault and broke away, dropping me from Mado's back. My face coated in Mado's blood and gore, I rolled out of the way of his oncoming kick and stood up to face him. This was my last chance. If I couldn't manifest anything now, then there was nothing else I could do.

I let the madness consume me. What I'd been holding back so long was starting to seep through every part of me. The pain that accompanied this was sharp, doubling me over in front of my enemy. I glanced at Mado as I struggled for breath, expecting him to use this opportunity to attack, but he only watched in awe.

I heard laughter next, distant at first but then growing in volume. My body hurt everywhere, but that laughter kept my mind occupied as my kagune changed. It surrounded my arms and legs tightly, augmenting my muscles with stronger material. This toughened shell armored my torso and back, clinging to me like a second skin. As my metamorphosis came to an end, half of my face was shielded by a dense kagune mask, my Ghoul eye remaining uncovered. It was only then that I realized that I was the one laughing. I could feel my sanity being eaten away by this new raw power.

"To develop such a kakuja with such limited resources... You are a special one, aren't you? It'd be a shame to have to kill you now!"

We rushed each other again, slashing and ripping one another. My kakuja was standing strong against his. I could feel the damage being done to him as he desperately struggled to push me away.

"What would your dear little Kaneki think if he saw you now, I wonder?" he said through winded breath.

Losing control of myself, I lashed out at him, "I'll rip your lips straight off your face for saying his name! I can't let you get away with what you've done to us! I'll become a monster. Yes, I will if it means killing you!" My mind started to go blank. Letting this madness take over would surely mean victory. All I had to do was give in to it!

_"Just do what needs to be done and come back home to me."_

Kaneki's words as we said our goodbyes flooded my mind, helping me hold onto the last remaining shred of my sanity. His words grounded and saved me from becoming what I feared most. As I came back to myself, I realized I had Mado pinned beneath me. The large gash in his neck told me all I needed to know about what happened as I lost control. The moment I hesitated gave him the opportunity to escape and gather his strength at the other end of the room.

"That's... That's a hell of a bite you have there, Nagachika. Damn near took out my entire throat... But I saw it in your eyes; your human side came back in time to prevent you from making the kill. This is where we draw the line, Nagachika. This next attack will be someone's last, and I've played this game a lot longer than you, kid."

Worn out, I knew he was right. I only had enough left in me for one more attack. I kept Kaneki in my head as I advanced on Mado one last time, forming my remaining kagune into one sharpened tendril. Mado created a more extended version of his own, and as we collided together, each of us was impaled by the other. Mado caught me just below my ribcage, while I stabbed him through the right side of his chest. With one last motion, I curved my kagune and sent it back through him again, puncturing the back of his neck and nearly severing his head from his body. I stared into his eyes as the burning hatred in them withered out.

"It... It's done. You're safe now, Kaneki. I'm just so-sorry," I mumbled to myself as I started to cry, "I wanted to go back home to you. I-I'm not sure I can now." My kagune had crumbled away from lack of energy. Mado's had disappeared from lack of life force to maintain it. I fell to the ground once it had, the wound far worse than anything I had sustained before. I didn't even have the energy to feed on his corpse to help myself to heal.

"Well now, I thought I said not to do anything rash in the meantime?"

I heard the voice but couldn't see from where it was coming. I knew who it was, though.

"Eto..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -"It was only then that I realized that I was the one laughing." Reference to the Tokyo Ghoul manga while Jason was torturing Kaneki as his sanity started to fade.


	38. Chapter 38

**_ Hide _ **

_She stood before me, her long violet hair cascading down her shoulders as she cast her eyes down at the ground. It wasn't often, but Rize would invade my mind to beg for the freedom to feed as she had before the accident. She was still a slave to her hunger and wanted to fulfill it through me. I didn't expect to see her now, at the end of my life, although I suppose it isn't a surprise since she had become a part of it._

_"You were so close to the power you needed, why did you pull back at the last moment? All you had to do was accept me, and you could have beaten him without sacrificing so much."_

_"You know that I won't give you that kind of power over me. It'd be foolish to let you have complete control. To be honest, I nearly did lose myself in those last moments. But remembering Kaneki's words brought me back."_

_Rize nodded, "So your humanity is so sacred that you'd give yourself a disadvantage to preserve it? Just look at yourself now, bleeding out on this dirty floor alone. Was it worth it?"_

_We both looked over at the scene next to us. My body trembled as I writhed in pain from my wounds. Seeing myself from this perspective was surreal. This must be what an out of body experience is like._

_"Yes. I still accomplished what I intended to do, which was keep Kaneki safe. And I didn't have to destroy my humanity to do it. I've been struggling to find a balance between my Ghoul and human selves all this time. This world shouldn't have to be so divided. Ensuring Kaneki's survival as well as tearing down one of the foundations keeping our two species apart is worth everything I've suffered through and died for today."_

_"Very well, Hide. You seem confident enough in yourself. In the future, I'll lend you my strength when it's needed. I hope you don't come to regret your choices."_

_I looked to Rize, my eyes squinting in confusion. "Regret? What's left to regret when I'm already dead?"_

_She laughed and covered her lips with the tips of her fingers. "Silly boy, this isn't yet your time. Besides, you've got a promise to fulfill."_

Opening my eyes, I found myself in one of Anteiku's spare bedrooms. Touching my stomach, I got my fingers tangled in the bandages that covered it. I didn't feel much discomfort as I sat up in bed, just a dull ache from being still for a while. To my left, Kaneki was sleeping at the side of the bed. His hand stretched towards me from where he must have been holding mine. His brilliant white hair framed the gentle features of his face as he slept soundly. I could only imagine how he must have felt after what happened with the raid, letting him rest would be best. While I wasn't sure how long I'd been unconscious, I felt like I could easily sleep longer. So I laid down, this time joining my hand with Kaneki's, and smiled as I closed my eyes.

* * *

A knock on the door woke both Kaneki and myself up as Yoshimura stepped into the room.

"Oh, it's good to see you awake, Hide; we hoped you'd come back to us soon."

Squeezing my hand gently, Kaneki nodded in agreement, though he seemed hesitant to speak. I sat up in the bed and felt the area where Mado had stabbed me, but found no sign of injury other than the wrappings around my chest.

"How long was I out? This wound couldn't have healed that quickly, unless..."

"You've been asleep for two weeks," Kaneki said, his hand slightly trembling.

Yoshimura walked closer and put his hand on Kaneki's shoulder, "Kaneki, could you please bring some water and coffee? Let the others know that Hide is awake as well."

"Yes, sir." He looked reluctant to let go of my hand but quickly left the room while Yoshimura claimed the seat that had just been vacated.

"How did I get back here? With the damage that Mado had done, I didn't expect to survive. Was it Eto that brought me here? I thought I heard her voice before I passed out."

"Yes, she did. Although she refused to let the CCG see her, so there was quite a bit of confusion at the scene when they couldn't find you. She got you back here just in time. Any longer and you would have been beyond our help."

I felt a slight twinge of guilt for the mistrust and harsh words I'd said to her the last time we saw each other. I didn't understand her point of view, and it clouded my judgment of her. She had no obligation to save me but did so anyway. I owed her my thanks and apologies next time we meet.

"Aogiri?"

"Eto is handling the remains of the organization. With Mado gone, she must tie up the remaining loose ends to disband them for good. She said that even though she had founded it, their interests no longer suited her, so rather than hand it over to someone else that could twist it to their own will, she'd bring it to an end. Rest assured, they won't be a threat anymore."

"Glad to hear it. I'm sorry for all the trouble."

"No apologies necessary, Hide. Although it concerns me that even after warning you about the nature of cannibalism and kakujas, you still took part in it anyway. Eto told me of the kakuja you created during your fight with Mado. I can't stress how fortunate you were not to be taken by the insanity that comes from feeding on Ghouls. Was it something you did while working with Aogiri?"

"Yes, I didn't want to raise suspicion for not eating around the others, so I'd pick off the Ghouls that no one would miss and pass them off as human if anyone approached while I ate. The potential to grow stronger appealed to me too; I won't lie. I hoped that no one would find out, but there's no point in hiding it. I came so close to losing everything about myself for that hunger. You're right about me being lucky, sir. I apologize for not heeding your warnings."

"Well, there's no point in dwelling on it now, young man. It did end up serving a purpose, so we can leave it at that."

Kaneki returned with a tray of coffee mugs and water glasses. He set it down just as Amon and Juuzou followed him in.

"It's nice to see you finally rejoin the land of the living, Hide," Amon said as he offered his right hand.

I took it and firmly shook his hand, "Well, I couldn't leave you all in suspense for too long, right?"

"Suspense? You don't even know how crazy it got after you and Mado crashed down to the first floor!"

Juuzou chimed in, "By the time we got there, all we found was Mado's body and a pool of blo— Hey!" Amon elbowed Juuzou in the side before he could finish talking. They looked toward Kaneki, who had a worried look on his face. Juuzou realized his error, "Well, we couldn't find you, so it was very confusing. It must have been an amazing fight, it's a shame we couldn't have been a part of it."

"Even though it was irresponsible of you to disregard our plans and strike off on your own, I have to say that you showed a great deal of strength and character. It was an honor working with you, Hide."

"Likewise, Amon. So, what does the CCG think about all of this?"

"I think we're going to be out of a job!" Juuzou pouted slightly as he replied for Amon, who gave his partner a sideways glance before answering Hide's question himself.

"More specifically, the CCG is narrowing its focus to only those Ghouls that are criminally active or repeat offenders. With this joint mission, we were able to show that our two sides were capable of working together for the common good. They're even considering allowing Ghoul recruits to join us."

"Which means that work is gonna get bo-ring," said Juuzou emphatically.

"Well, just like there are idiot humans, I'm sure there will be idiot Ghouls out there for you to catch," I said to cheer Juuzou up. He nodded in agreement and smiled.

The two said their farewells and bowed out to give me more time to rest. Yoshimura did the same shortly after. Alone with Kaneki, I held his hand once again.

"You've been pretty quiet, Kaneki. Is there something on your mind?" The tears he'd been holding back started to fall as he wiped them with his sleeve. "I-I didn't mean to upset you Kaneki, please don't cry!"

"I-I'm okay. I am now at least. I was just so afraid of all the things that could have happened. When they brought you back, you were hurt so bad. Worse than I'd ever seen you get. All everyone kept telling me was that you'd be fine. They kept repeating that, not just to me, but to themselves. Like, if they said it enough times, then it just had to be true. You were hanging on by a narrow thread, and every day I watched over you, waiting. But you kept your promise. You came back to me," he smiled through his tears and rested my hand against his cheek.

I smiled back at him as my own eyes became glassy, "Always, Kaneki. I always will. I don't have a reason to leave anymore, so you won't have to spend any more time waiting."

He stood up and threw his arms around me, kneeling on the bed with his head resting against my shoulder. "Thank you."

Feeling his warmth comforted me in a way I hadn't felt in what seemed like ages. I slid over to give him more room to get comfortable and held him close. I noticed the light around the edges of the window blinds take on a reddish hue.

"What time is it, Kaneki?"

"It's just after six, why?"

"Would you mind opening the blinds? I'd like it if we could watch the sunset together. Remember when we'd go up to the roof and sit there until it got dark?"

He nodded, "Yeah, those were some of my favorite memories with you. I'm not so sure this room has a good view of it, though. Why don't we get out of here? Your wounds are nearly healed, and it'd be good for you to get on your feet."

"Yeah, let's go home, Kaneki," I managed to say as my throat seized up with emotion.

* * *

"Do you have enough pillows, Hide?" Kaneki had managed to haul every pillow and blanket in his apartment up to the roof after we got back.

"I think there's an overabundance, but it's comfortable. Come and sit down before you miss it."

Kaneki sat down next to me, leaning against my left side and took my hand into his.

"I've missed this, Hide. The simpler times when things weren't so complicated. Just the two of us spending time together." He stared off towards the setting sun with a dreamy expression that told me he was reminiscing on those past moments he cherished. He caught my eyes and got flustered, the blush on his cheeks blending well with the reddish-orange light. "You wanted to watch the sunset, didn't you? You're missing it watching me."

"I know, and that's okay because I'm looking at something far more splendid."

"Hide..." He leaned in and met me with a kiss. Slow and sweet, it had been too long since I'd tasted his lips. The passion built slowly, and as things started heating up, I turned over and rolled on top of him. Sliding my hands under his shirt while we made out, I felt him start to tremble. Believing it to be from anticipation, I pressed forward, when suddenly he pushed me away. He whimpered slightly as he started to shake. I had realized too late that it was a panic attack. I should have known better! He was still recovering from what happened to him in the Aogiri prison.

"I-I'm sorry, Hide. I thought I was ready, but—" He was short of breath, making it hard for him to speak clearly.

"No, don't you ever apologize for this! Don't push yourself to do anything you're not comfortable with for my sake. I'll wait for you, as long as it takes."

I sat down next to him, giving him space and held his hand reassuringly. Once his breathing slowed down, he looked exhausted as he lay there against the side of the building, pillows at his back.

"Can... Can you just hold me for a while?"

"Of course, Kaneki. I'm here for you," I answered as I slid closer and gently rested my left arm across his shoulders. He laid his head against my chest. I was glad he couldn't see the tears in my eyes. I discreetly wiped them away with my free hand, watching the last rays of the evening sun disappear over the Tokyo skyline. I looked toward Kaneki once it was gone entirely and saw he had covered himself entirely with the blankets. A bittersweet smile crept across my face as I thought of Haise and how he had done the same when we first met.

"You're still with us, after all."

As I held him close, I looked out at the city and watched as the night took over. I hoped that even with the sad and tragic moments we've lived through, we'd be able to heal by replacing them with new, positive ones. The simple joys really did make the best memories. I couldn't ask for more than to share them with the person next to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -Due to the lack of Hide's POV during the time when he first became a Ghoul, I couldn’t establish that Rize was appearing in Hide's mind similar to how she did with Kaneki in Tokyo Ghoul. I hinted at it before his fight with Yamori, when he talks to himself about accepting his Ghoul side.


	39. Epilogue

**_ One Year Later _ **

"Hide, what's the big rush? If anything, we're going to be getting there too early!"

"I'm just excited about this, Kaneki. It's not every day my handsome boyfriend gets a publishing award, you know!" He held my hand as we cut through the crowd on our way to the local bookstore. One of my recent novels was nominated and won the Best New Author award, and the store had organized a book signing to celebrate.

It started after I began seeing someone for my panic attacks and the trauma resulting from my experience in the Aogiri prison. My therapist had suggested finding a creative outlet for my anxiety. When I had mentioned that I liked to read, they suggested I try writing. Creating stories helped to calm my mind whenever I felt overwhelmed. I was at Anteiku working on a story when Eto visited. She asked to read one of them and was impressed with it. Enough so that she offered to show it to her publisher for their critique. They found it fascinating and offered me a contract on the spot. Since then I've released two novels with a third nearing completion.

"Wow, I wasn't expecting a crowd this big!" I said as I saw the line in front of the bookstore. My anxiety started to get to me but Hide squeezed my hand and offered a reassuring smile. Taking a deep breath, we walked into the building. The manager of the store approached us and bowed.

"Ahh, Mr. Sasaki, it's so good to have you with us today. Congratulations again on your award, we hope you enjoy our celebration in your honor!"

"Thank you very much. I appreciate all you've done to help promote the books. I always enjoyed coming here as a reader, so it's a little surreal to be on the other side of the page now."

"Yes, I imagine so. Well, we have your signing first, then we'll be having a small party afterward. Please let us know if there's anything you need!"

I bowed and gave them my thanks before getting seated behind a table with a stack of my books on either side. I'd decided that I didn't want to use my real name once my writing had reached the publishing stage. With permission from Eto, I adopted Sasaki Haise as my pen name. I felt that without him, I wouldn't have been able to write at all. This was my way of keeping him and his memories alive.

"Okay, are we ready to do this, Haise?" Hide seemed more eager to participate in this than I did. Once we started, he got to work getting each guest a book and readying them to meet me. He made it less stressful than if I tried interacting with each person on my own. He has been incredibly patient with me as I've worked through my issues and supported me as I began my career as an author.

It was a pleasant surprise to see Hinami next in line, and I welcomed her warmly with a hug. "It's great to see a familiar face today, Hinami. How have you been?"

"I've been great! I'm about to graduate and applied for the same college you both attended. I miss being able to sit around with you at work and talk about the latest books and stuff. But Hide manages to keep things interesting there, right boss?"

"Hey, as long as you make sure the place doesn't burn down or scare away the customers, we're good!"

After the fight ended in Mado's death, his daughter Akira closed the store briefly to decide what to do with it. Amon and Juuzou had approached her with an offer of recruitment for the CCG, which she eventually accepted. Still unsure of what to do with the store, she decided to ask us if we'd like to take over as its owners. I had already begun focusing on my writing but Hide took her up on the offer. He had said that it'd be a shame to let the place we met disappear. The store kept him busy, but he still made time for me whenever I needed him for anything.

I thanked her again and wished her well as I signed her book and handed it back to her. The rest of the signing went by quickly, with many readers complimenting me on being able to write about Ghouls with such a feeling of familiarity. Not many authors had tackled the subject before, or if they did, they always portrayed them as the villain. My stories featured a Ghoul as the protagonist, and some of the guests said that it was like a breath of fresh air to see them in a favorable light. The world was gradually becoming less divided, and that was a welcome change for all of us.

Stretching out as the last person left, I was met by the manager once again, who directed us to where the after party was held. I wasn't as interested in the party as I was the signing. It was interesting to engage with my readers, but I expected the party to be a bunch of introductions to people in the industry that I'd likely not remember or meet again. Still, it was my party, so I did have to make an appearance.

"Haise, I'll be right back, wait here for a moment, okay?" Hide said as he rushed off. I was sure the restrooms were in the other direction but figured I'd let him work that out on his own. He returned quickly, and as we walked into the event room, I was surprised to see not only guests of the publisher and bookstore but also many of our friends as well.

"Are you surprised? I thought it'd be a good idea to invite a lot of our friends to this thing, although we had to make some accommodations with the caterer."

"You planned this, Hide?"

"Well, yeah. You think I'm going to let this special day go by without giving everyone a chance to celebrate it with you?" He leaned in and whispered, "Besides, I didn't want us to be stuck with just a bunch of bookworms all day!"

"Congratulations!" Akira approached us with Amon and Juuzou in tow. "I've been enjoying your work; this award is well deserved."

"Thank you, Miss Akira, it's definitely been an experience," I replied as I bowed to show my appreciation. "Have you been doing well with the CCG?"

She looked to Amon and nodded, "It's been an experience as well. There's a lot of satisfaction in seeing the positive changes you can make to society when you actively work to make things better. I'm glad that the CCG has given me this opportunity."

"Yo Kaneki, we're here." Nishio walked over to us with Touka and Dr. Yoshimura following closely behind.

"Shh, idiot, we're supposed to be using his pen name here! Sorry for his lack of manners, you know how Nishio can be," said Touka as she walked up and offered a brief hug.

"Don't call me an idiot, Touka! You were calling him Kaneki the entire way here. It just got stuck in my head, thanks to you."

"Whatever. So how was the signing?"

"Good, good. I saw Hinami earlier. If I knew you'd be here, I would have asked her to stay. I'm glad you all could make it. I didn't know Hide invited everyone from Anteiku."

"Yeah, the guy was really gung-ho about making this a special day for you. Aww, are you blushing? That's so cute, just make sure you close the door when you two get home." My face already felt hot and only burned more after she mentioned catching us making out with our door open that one time. I knew she wouldn't let that go.

Yoshimura spoke up then, "We're all very proud of you and the progress you've made, young man. I'm sure your successes will only continue to grow from here. I hope you'll still find the time to join us at Anteiku for some coffee and conversation."

"Of course, sir. I wouldn't be in the position I am now if not for you and everyone's support. I'm very grateful to all of you," I said with a bow.

Touka spoke up again, "Well, I'm sure you have other people to greet, so we'll be around. I heard that Kimi and Nishio collaborated with the caterer for the party, so it looks like we won't have to stand around sipping only coffee."

"Really? That's amazing! I'm happy her work is taking off and got approved for use. It's made meals at our home better."

"Yeah, same. See ya!"

It really did make me happy to hear what she said about the food. For so long, Hide would have to eat alone or sit at the table watching me eat foods he couldn't stomach any more. But since Kimi's research into creating artificial Ghoul food was made public and proven to satisfy their needs, we've been able to sit together to eat again. The meat looks like normal human food, although a little more on the rare side. Still, it's made it possible for us to bridge more of the gaps between our two worlds and bring some understanding to each other.

The rest of the party went by smoothly and before I knew it we were on our way back home. The air was warm with a slight hint of a chill as the time grew later, comfortable autumn weather.

"You know Kaneki, there was another secret reason for today's party, do you want to know what it is?"

"Yes, I mean I already think it was great of you to get everyone to come because of the book thing, but if there's a secondary purpose to it, I'd love to hear it."

"Well, it wasn't a good time to celebrate it last year, but I knew for the second anniversary I had to try to do something special. Today is the day that I first met you at the store. It was the first time we interacted, and you had me thinking of you well after I'd left the building. I don't remember why I ended up going to that store, since it was out of the way. But after that day, I'd take the extra time to go there rather than the one closest to me, just for the chance that you'd be there. It's probably a silly thing to celebrate, but it's a memory I cherish, and I wanted you to know about it."

It took me by surprise, Hide admitting that he'd been enamored by me from our very first meeting. I thought back to those times two years ago when I believed that I'd never have the love I felt returned. To think that I was so blind not to see how he felt from the very start. But rather than dwell on what could have been, I focused on the present and the person I loved more than anything.

"I think that's a wonderful thing to celebrate, Hide. Though, since you chose to tell me after the party ended, I feel like we should continue the celebration when we get home."

We picked up our pace to the apartment and managed to get in and lock the door before throwing ourselves at each other. It had taken time, but having sex again wasn't a painful experience anymore. It was made a lot easier with someone like Hide as my partner, who was amazing at attending to my needs when we made love.

"This was a great day, Hide," I said as I pulled him close for a kiss. "But I know it wouldn't have been possible without you. I love you so much; you know that?"

"Of course I know, silly. I love you too."

I smiled as we started making out again. It amused me to realize that I'd gone from never wanting to let him know how I felt, to continually telling him each day.

"Good, because I'll never let you forget it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia:  
> -"That's so cute, just make sure you close the door when you two get home." I had to get that reference from chapter 22 in before the end of this story.
> 
> -"It amused me to realize that I'd gone from never wanting to let him know how I felt, to continually telling him each day." This line explains the title of the story by showing Kaneki's initial fear of telling him his feelings to his eventual progression to telling him constantly. Keeping the ‘Never’ in parentheses shows that where he at one point couldn't tell him, now he was capable of doing so.
> 
>  
> 
> I'd like to take this chance to thank you all for reading this story and for showing your support as it was being written. It meant the world to me to see your reactions and comments as the story unfolded! It's sad to see it reach an end, but everything has to at some point. I've been working on this story for 10 months, and I can't tell you how much it's meant to me. It's hard to think about playing favorites with your works, but I have to say this has to be the one I've enjoyed working on most since I started writing five years ago. Kaneki and Hide's relationship was a beautiful thing to see develop before our eyes.
> 
> I've included a bonus chapter that features a timeline of the events in the story. If you have any questions about the story or just want to leave your thoughts on the ending, please do. I may use your questions to make a Q&A bonus chapter.
> 
> Thank you again for reading and commenting, I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.


	40. Bonus Material: Timeline (Spoilers)

** (Never) Let Him Know- Timeline of Events **

_For those of us who crave all the little details.  I worked out exactly which days the events of the story occurred.  There are obvious spoilers here so if you haven’t read NLHK yet, then please do so before looking at this timeline.  Thanks again for reading and hope you enjoy!_

September 21 XXXX

-Kaneki first meets Hide in Mado's store

November 10 XXXX (Sunday)

-Kaneki's Accident

November 12 XXXX (Tuesday)

-Kaneki first talks to Dr. Yoshimura in hospital

November 13 XXXX (Wednesday)

-(Early Morning)Kaneki wakes to find Hide at his bedside, learns he was the one to hit him. Hide swears to help him as he recovers.  Kaneki cries, then lies about why, while touching his hand to his chin.

November 15 XXXX (Friday)

-Kaneki discharged from hospital

-Hide helps Kaneki bathe, mutual masturbation occurs

November 22 XXXX (Friday)

-(Morning)Kaneki and Hide go to school. Incident with Ayato occurs.

-(Evening)Club incident occurs with Tsukiyama.

November 23 XXXX (Saturday)

-(Morning)Kaneki wakes with headache, discovers the hickey on his neck.

-(Morning)Kaneki has a talk with Touka after Hide leaves.

-(Evening)Hide suspiciously avoids the subject of Kaneki returning to work.  Hide cooks dinner and then they fall asleep on the couch together.

November 26 XXXX (Tuesday)

-(Morning)Kaneki is told he no longer needs his arm sling. Decides to keep it on around Hide so he won't lose his company.

-(Evening)Kaneki tells Hide he still has several weeks left with the sling.  Hide invites Kaneki to the movies Friday.

November 29 XXXX (Friday)

-Hide brings Kaneki to the movies and confesses to him.

-They confirm their feelings for each other and have sex for the first time.

November 30 XXXX (Saturday)

-(Morning)Kaneki wakes up to find Hide making breakfast before leaving for work.

-(Afternoon)Kaneki goes to Mado's to fill out paperwork with Kureo Mado, discovers Hide is working there.  Hide discovers Kaneki isn't using his arm sling.

December 12 XXXX (Thursday)

-Tsukiyama reveals that Hide intentionally hit Kaneki with his car.  Kaneki walks away from Hide in shock.

December 14 XXXX (Saturday)

-A depressed Kaneki leaves his apartment to get food and runs into Touka, she encourages him to talk to Hide.

December 17 XXXX (Tuesday)

-(Morning)Kaneki contacts Hide to say he wants to talk.

-Kaneki meets Rize for the first time in Anteiku. She asks him to walk her home and he obliges.

-(Evening)Rize attacks Kaneki, biting his left shoulder. Hide saves Kaneki and gets impaled.  Steel beams fall.

December 18 XXXX (Wednesday)

-Kaneki wakes up after the accident, talks to Yoshimura.

December 19 XXXX (Thursday)

-(Morning)Kaneki is discharged, immediately goes to Hide's room.

December 26 XXXX (Thursday)

-Kaneki is told Hide is awake but is turned away from seeing him.

January 8 XXX1 (Tuesday)

-Hide is discharged from hospital, ignores Kaneki's attempts to contact him.

January 15 (Tuesday)

-Kaneki goes to Hide's apartment to confront him.  Hide tells Kaneki he isn't safe around him anymore.

-They start to make out, but Hide's hunger takes control and reopens Kaneki's shoulder wound.

-Kaneki discovers that Hide is a Ghoul.  Hide gets upset over his actions and runs off. He is kidnapped by Yamori as Kaneki watches.

-In his attempt to pursue them, Kaneki is met by Yoshimura, who reveals he is a Ghoul and will help Hide.

-Kaneki discovers Touka's identity as a Ghoul.

January 18 XXX1 (Friday)

-Kaneki attempts to search for Hide, is abducted by Yamori.

-Kaneki wakes up to hear Yamori torturing Hide.

January 19 XXX1 (Saturday)

-(Morning/Afternoon) Yamori attempts to use Kaneki to mentally break Hide.  Hide accepts his Ghoul nature and attacks Yamori, defeating him.

-(Afternoon)Returning home, Kaneki accepts responsibility for Hide's condition, offers himself to Hide, who takes a small bite.

-(Afternoon)Kaneki takes the lead for the first time as they have sex.

January 20 XXX1 (Sunday)

-Kaneki wakes up and catches Hide about to leave. After a heartfelt talk, they have sex again.

-Hide and Kaneki go to Anteiku to get Hide food.  Hide decides to work with Anteiku to find Kanou and learn about the circumstances that made him into a Ghoul.

** Six Month Time Skip **

July 7 XXX1 (Sunday)

-(Afternoon)Hide returns from his latest mission, they have sex.

July 8 XXX1 (Monday)

-Meeting at Anteiku to discuss the Aogiri threat.  Eto is introduced.

July 12 XXX1 (Friday)

-Hide leaves on Aogiri undercover assignment (mentioned)

July 17 XXX1 (Wednesday)

-(Morning)Hide calls in with report, Yoshimura lets Kaneki know all is going well.

-(Afternoon)Kaneki goes to Anteiku, briefly talks to Touka about Takatsuki Sen/Eto's latest book.

-Naki and his group kidnap Kaneki from Anteiku after recognizing Hide's scent on him.

-(Evening)Kaneki wakes up, meets Kureo Mado and discovers he's a Ghoul and the leader of Aogiri.

** Nine Day Time Skip **

July 26 XXX1 (Friday)

-Hide goes home and discovers Kaneki is missing.  Rushes to the prison.

-Meets Kanou who reveals he intentionally turned Hide into a Ghoul.

-Hide meets Tsukiyama, who confirms that Kaneki is there, but something isn't right.

-Hide briefly fights Mado before discovering Kaneki in one of the rooms.

-It's revealed that Kaneki is now identifying as Sasaki Haise, Hide rescues him from the prison.

-Hide meets Juuzou Suzuya as they leave, attempts to save him but the boy refuses to leave.

July 27 XXX1 (Saturday)

-(Morning)Yoshimura treats Kaneki/Haise's wounds but informs Hide that it'll take time for Kaneki's true self to return.

-Hide goes to his bedside and cries. He has his first talk with Haise.  Notices he stays under the covers completely, an obvious difference from Kaneki’s behavior.

August 19 XXX1 (Monday)

-(Morning)Haise wakes up to the recurring nightmare.

-(Morning)Hide takes him to his PT appt. He finishes his exercises and earns the answers to his questions about the prison.

-(Afternoon)They stop in Anteiku for Hide's food, then pick up a hamburger meal for Haise.

-(Evening)Hide reveals Haise's identity as Kaneki. Haise has an episode where he has an inner monologue with Kaneki.

-(Evening)Haise asks Hide to show him who Kaneki was so he can learn about his past.

August 30 XXX1 (Friday)

-Hide takes Haise to the movies to see if it'll help bring back any memories.

-Several memories are triggered, resulting in Haise having a panic attack, Hide carries him home.

-Haise asks Hide to stay with him, they fall asleep on the couch together. Haise acknowledges his feelings towards Hide for the first time.

Sept 8 XXX1 (Sunday)

-Haise asks Hide to take him to Kaneki's apartment. Hide obliges reluctantly.

-They discover that Eto left the note revealing Kaneki's location at the prison.

-Confrontation with Eto at Anteiku

Sept 10 XXX1 (Tuesday)

-Hide gets call about the attack on Kimi's lab.

-Yoshimura calls a meeting to discuss how to handle the attack. Hide suggests joining forces with CCG but is turned down.

-Hide runs into Juuzou and Amon on the way home. He tells them about Aogiri and requests their help despite Anteiku not wishing to do so.

-Haise has another episode during their meeting.

Sept 11 XXX1 (Wednesday)

-(Early Morning)Haise discovers Hide eating human flesh, which triggers an episode/flashback.

-Hide and Haise return to Anteiku to tell them about Amon and Juuzou, argument with Nishio occurs.

-Plans are finalized to raid Aogiri as a joint mission with CCG the next day at 3pm.

-(Evening)Haise confesses his feelings to Hide, they have sex. As it happens, flashes of Kaneki's first time are revealed to Haise.

-(Evening)Haise makes his choice to disappear to allow Kaneki to return.

Sept 12 XXX1 (Thursday)

-(Morning)Kaneki wakes up with all his memories, including Haise's.

-(Afternoon)Kaneki and Hide go to Anteiku to wait for CCG/Amon.

-(Afternoon)Akira Mado shows up, Hide goes on the offensive while she swears she's there to help stop her father.

-Akira shares vital information on her father's location.  They decide to use it and work their plan around the new info.

-Amon arrives and they go over their plans again.

-Kaneki is left at Anteiku under CCG guard, they say their goodbyes.

-(Late Afternoon)Raid begins, Hide locates Mado first, ends up trapped on the first floor fighting him on his own.

-Hide develops kakuja and defeats Mado but is seriously wounded.

Sept 27 XXX1 (Friday)

-Hide awakens after fight.

-(Evening)Hide and Kaneki watch the sun set from their apartment roof. They start to get intimate, but Kaneki has a panic attack. Hide comforts and holds Kaneki while hoping that they'll be able to replace their sad moments with new happy ones together.

** One Year Time Skip **

Sept 21 XXX2

-Kaneki attends his book signing as Haise with Hide.

-A small party is held after the signing.  Hide invited all their friends to join them.

-Hide reveals that the party was also a secret anniversary party to celebrate two years since he first met Kaneki.

-Kaneki reveals that he’s able to have sex without any problems, the two start to get intimate as the story ends with Kaneki telling Hide he’ll never let him forget how much he loves him.


End file.
